A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. I love him very much, and I can tell that he loves me. Unfortunately I think he is still in love with his ex.During our first 2 years she was never mentioned, although i knew he had dated her for little over a year. I knew she ment alot to him and she left him out of the blue. Since he nore anyone else ever said or hinted at the fact, when he left me for her around August of our second year was a complete shock. He was gone for 3 months, she left him and he came back to me. He wanted to wait a week befor we got back together, so he took a trip to California to see one of his guy friends. When he came back we pushed the fact that he was with her to the side. Never brought it up. Pretended like it never happened. Of course in time it ate away at me so we started to talk about it. He told me that he hated her, he never wanted to see her agien. Another 2 years have gone by and every time i bring it up(it isnt often for this reason) he gets angry or he cries. I always learn something new. He tells me he cries because he hurt me. But I have gut feeling thats not the reason. I often wonder if he still loves her. Im afraid if she ever came back i would lose him agien. He said long ago ( not to me) that he would marry that girl. Now he tells me he dosnt believe in marriage. Im not sure if hes with me because he loves me or if he doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't speak to her, she lives in another state. He tells me that our love is so much more. I desperately want to believe this. Im not sure if im being paranoid or if he still loves her. Resents her for hurting him. He shows and tells me that he loves me but i cant help but feel that something is wrong.
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female
reader, keepitreal03  +, writes (10 April 2009):
That's really good I'm glad it worked out
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke with him this morning. He was very calm. We talked about his feeling about me and her. He tells me he loves and if he had the choice to go back in time he would have skipped both of them and go together with me. He pleaded with me to believe him that he does not care for her anymore. That i mean the world to him. I suggested to him that we take a break and he refused. He didnt want to even think about losing me. He wants to kick out our roommate and get another place. Just the two of us. Yes he is very sensitive. He has had a very tramatic\life. He tells me he cant help but get emotionalthat remembering how lost he felt when she did it, he still cant believe he did it to me. As i said i want to believe him. Maybe it really is me, just scared.Thank you so much for listening!
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (9 April 2009):
 He may very well love you, I am not going to say he doesnt. But, yes, I do think he is pining over his lost love and may be with you only because she doesnt want him. My opinion may be quite colored on this though, because I went through something similar. I was with a boy many years ago and we had started dating right after this girl left him, told him he wasnt good enough and stomped on his heart. But he always pined for her, she was the perfect 'true love' he had lost. After over a year and a half of dating, and telling me he loved me, she came back into his life, indicated she wanted him and he dropped me like a hot potato for her. It still hurts. I will say that he did end up marrying her and having 2 kids with her, so I guess it really was meant to be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I dont mean to sound harsh but cry baby is yearning his lost love. He might love you but not yet the way he loves the ex.
If I was in your shoes, and to put my mind at rest, I would call for time apart and rebuild the love and trust. During the time apart if he does not do all the chasing and trying to make things work; you will then know how much/little you mean. Remember he suppose to be bending over backwards to convince you that he will not leave you again for the ex. He should stop feeling sorry for himself but show you love and how much you mean to him.
Dont we all pine for what we could have had once we lose the person we took for granted. As long as you are there he will take it for granted and cry for the ex. Let him miss and chase after you. A challenge never hurts if anything creates and excitement in the anticipation.
You also have to be strong and be prepared for the consequences - he might decide he does not want to be with you atleast you will know where you stand and would not have wasted your energy into making things work when he really wants the ex. You will also be proptected from the fact that if his ex does want to get back that he does not leave you. No one is worth settling for second best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Ahh poppet-you love him and I think what you just summed up is you can't live without him. Tell him how you feel, tell him how worthless his ex was who keeps ridiculing him making him feel ashamed.
Also, stay strong, don't cave in-if he wants your love then he needs to show you and move on.
All the best
Again izi
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the feedback. I really appreciate it. It helps to know that im not just crazy. But at the same time is hurts. Im glad to know people out there are willing to help and care. I cant tell you how much this means to me.
No she wasnt his first love she was his second. He had a sexual encounter with another guy in high school. She ridiculed him for it and left on a camping trip and told him she had found some one else and wanted to see other people. ( from what i understood anyway) To be honest i dont know why he was so deeply in love with her. They had nothing in common, she made him feel ashamed of himself. My b/f and i's mutual friend tells more about this than he will.
Yes when he left i didnt eat or sleep. I failed my highschool english class becuase i never showed up, over it. He is my first love. He means everything to me and i dont consider breaking up an option. Unless he dosnt want to be together anymore.
I try to talk to him and be strict but I end up caving, and trying to make up for it. I dont think he know how much it really hurts me. But i dont want to hurt him,then agien im afriad he dosnt really care.
I do feel second best to him. Its hard not to. I dont want to be a last resort.
Thank you so much for listening to my whining haha
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): ahh.
Unfortunately yes, he might be holding out in his heart of hearts, amidst all the pain, sadness and anger, for this other girl. I have done similar, without being fully conscious of it, to a past gf of mine...
There is very little you can do..Though, I would suggest never bringing her up. But I realize also this must be tough for you especially seeing as he left you for her and then only returned to you when he was rejected.
Well, there is one thing you can do. Oftentimes guys take what they have for granted.. you could make him realize how special you are by presenting him with the possibility of you being gone out of his life, just like his ex. Its sort of a hardball solution, but if he really loves you [and judging from how sensitive he sounds] he will either mend his ways quick, or beg you to reconsider. At which time, you can accept him back.
You sort of need to replace the triggers in his mind that he has associated with his ex.. Get me? Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I have learned too many times: if you suspect it, it's pretty much happened. Whatever idea you have about what he's up do, and it's that strong conscience in the back of your mind, you're right.
Sounds like Cry Boy is defining what love is to him. He hasn't finished his college level What Is Love Course
Once you've realized what love is, you naturally close down all the love distractions, you get focused, you are happy and proud of the partner you have and only look back with gratitude for having learned. Cry Boy isn't fitting this profile. I wonder if you are going to help him through this. So I wonder if the good lad is just still putting love pieces of the puzzle together.
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reader, keepitreal03 +, writes (9 April 2009):
I think she did something to him that he hasn't gotten over. I think at one point he wanted to marry her and because of her actions he's against it because he lost trust in women. He needs to deal with his feelings and maybe talking to u will help. Good luck but I feel he's hurt inside
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Oh honey-that's quite a situation and I'm not sure if I have the answer.
My gut feeling is that he loves you-he doesn't need to be with you but he has for four years. What worries me however is that he is keeping things from you. Do you truly trust him, because I get a sense of doubt from your message.
Understand why this ex is so important to him-she still must be if he breaks down crying when you mention her. Was it his first love? I think he may still be hung up on his ex but did you state why,(if you did I totally missed that-sorry) but you need to talk to him about your worries, you are not paranoid, you have reasons to think that his ex is still imporant to him.
BUT, does the ex feel the same way? Has she moved on? Does he know and is he still in contact with her?
I just reread your thing and you side he left you for her! I totally missed that-right, I would be very annoyed that he left you out of the blue for her, if you want this to work, you need to get him confessing all of his and her past to you. You've managed to get over that two years ago, but honey during those three months, did you miss him? Could you live without him? If he is that special to you, tell him how you feel and that you should have no secrets between you.
Ask him truthfully if he loves her more than you-forget the tears(probs crocodile) but you need to know if he is worth staying around for-after that 3month diappearing act I don't know if I would be able to forgive him.
Talk to him honey, that's all you can do to truly find out the answers.
Much love and let me know how it goes
Izi
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female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (9 April 2009):
 hunny he's obviously still cut up over the way she just left him out of the blue he probably is questioning why she did this and was it something he did?
so maybe when you mention her he's upset because he feels why did it happen when he thought it would last forever.
he probably has feelings for her probably loves her but not in the same way he loves you she's probably a lost love so to speak the one he thought would be the one but turned out she wasn't he's just still finding it hard to get over i suppose.
but he clearly loves you.
if you're afraid about whether she would return and he would go back to her then ask him just say you feel scared of losing him again.
but honestly he's probably still just hating her for what she did and that's why it upsets him he'll always have feelings for her as he thought they would last forever.
but his feelings will fade with time and his feelings are obviously strong for you.
never feel like you're second best show him that you guys have got the real meaning of love.
the other girl ruined that and he's just broken wanting to be mended he just wants to be loved.
:)
Hope this helps hun.
message me if you need anything else :)
chin up!
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