A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am 21 years old, and my boyfriend is 22. I have been in a relationship with him for a year now, and everything seemed perfect until two weeks ago.He has always treated me good, always told me he loved me and has never shown me otherwise. He's a sweet guy, shy and quiet, nice to everyone, etc. I was friends with him before we started dating and the way he was when we were friends vs. when we are together had never changed.We fight, like all normal couples, but it was never anything that could not be fixed.We did not live together for the first 7 months we were together. We were in different cities, about an hour drive away from each other. We always saw each other every weekend for the whole weekend, and usually once or twice during the week. I had applied to University in another town (About an hour and a half away from both our towns) and decided I wanted to live in Residence. After a while of planning this (Around 4 months into the relationship) he asked me if we could move in together, because he wanted to be with me, and wanted a life with me. At first I was not for the idea, but he convinced me otherwise.Two weeks ago, he went home twice without me to work, and stayed the night. The first time, he had to stay the night because it was storming out. He tried driving regardless of me telling him to stay put, but he was already too far from home, and got stuck. He told me he had to spend the night at his friends' house (two of his friends live there, and it's kind of the "Hang out" house) because it was close to where he was. This was around 8 o'clock. He told me he would make it up there in about 30 minutes. After an hour of waiting for him, I called his friend's house, and they told me he was stuck, so they had to go and get him. He only called me at 10:30. He then told me he didn't want to talk on the phone because he wanted time with his friends, and I only talked to him the day after.When he got home, he told me he wanted time apart, because we were always together, 24/7 and he just needed a breather. Long story short, the second time he went to his friend’s place, he told me he’d be home around noon, and only called me around supper time. I got aggravated, because to me, It doesn’t matter who he hangs out with or how long, but I hate waiting for him to show up. I feel it is disrespectful to not have the courtesy to at least call. I later found out that when his friends found all of this out, they started telling him to break up with me, and become a “bachelor” with them.Basically, that whole week, we fought, and never got chances to breath between fights before one pissed the other off again. Two days ago, he told me that because we were always together, and he didn’t have time to breath, his attraction for me was less than it used to. I broke up with him then, and left for the day. When we saw each other again that night, he kissed me, told me he loved me and didn’t want to be with anyone else but me, and that he was still attracted to me (and winked) but that he just needed “him” time to breath, which I understand. I told him I was going to my parent’s house for 3 or 4 days, and we then went our separate ways.I didn’t talk to him until yesterday night to tell him I was at my parent’s house, finally, and that I missed and loved him. He texted me back with “I love and miss you too 3 mom says hi” and I told him to have fun with his friends, and didn’t talk to him until later that night. Around midnight last night, I started having a panic attack, so I called him. He told me he was busy with his friends, and couldn’t talk, and hung up. He didn’t try to make me feel better or anything. Knowing how his friends tease him all the time, and what happened last week, people are telling me that he just did not want to talk to me in front of his friends, because they would get on his case again. That’s the last time I talked to him.I don’t know what to think or do. He’s never been this way, and I am wondering if it is really because he needs time to himself, or because he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But why would he not just let me break up with him two days ago?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): "I later found out that when his friends found all of this out, they started telling him to break up with me, and become a “bachelor” with them."
Know much about his friends? Assuming that this wasn't just them giving him a bit of banter over having to call home, it would seem that they are doing this for one of two reasons. Either (i) they are self-interested and just trying to convince him to be more involved in their lifestyle because it'll make things better for them (paying no regard to the implications for him) or (ii) they genuinely feel that the relationship is unhealthy for him and are trying to convince him to end it for his own good. I guess it's down to you to make the inference about what sort of mates they are and what their motivations would be. Remember of course that they will only have an outside perspective on things. If he's frustrated with aspects of the relationship (even those that are repairable) they'll be hearing his complaints and making their judgements about things based on that biased information.
"I got aggravated, because to me, It doesn’t matter who he hangs out with or how long, but I hate waiting for him to show up."
If you are forming expectations about when he should be back from nights out or time with friends then you're creating opportunities for conflict. It's so easy to be drinking and playing cards and saying to yourself "ach, i'll call after this hand" for five hours and then bravado-ing up with the drink and the thought that "she'll be pissed now whatever I do" and just not bothering to call at all.
Without specific reasons to enforce contact at certain times (i.e. having special plans or dependents) it's probably better to just leave him to it. Does it matter if he's not home when he said he'd be? Does it matter if he didn't call before he started driving over? If you trust him, then all he's doing is having fun with his mates and not wanting it to end just yet.
Also, why are you waiting for him to show up? Pursue your independent goals/hobbies/whatever if he's not around. Seems healthy for you both to appreciate your time apart as well as your time together. No reason he should be out having fun and you sitting stewing in front of a clock.
"I am wondering if it is really because he needs time to himself, or because he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But why would he not just let me break up with him two days ago?"
Firstly, you are rattling off days and times and delays between when he was supposed to call and when he did call. To me this implies that you two do spend a lot of time together. It's not unreasonable to need a decent amount of time apart, especially given that you are both in your early 20s. Really up to your personal preferences what ratio of time together/apart is acceptable. Might also be worth considering how much quality time you spent together versus how much total time you spend together.
As for the latter point, he's obviously conflicted. Maybe he is feeling the pinch of commitment, half-admiring the freedom his friends enjoy, being a little worn down by their encouragements to leave you, genuinely feeling he doesn't have enough independence and this is causing issues. If your reaction to these issues is to panic and try to control his actions more tightly then you're just increasing the variables that cause his unease. Like that old cliche about trying to hold onto sand. Your relationship should be a precious thing for both of you, if that's not the current state of affairs then you're not going to make it so by having arguments with each other. In fact, you'll just give his mates fuel. Try to address things to an extent that is reasonable for you both.
If his mates are decent guys then you'll find that they'll support a relationship if he clearly has feelings for you and they don't perceive the dynamic between you as unhealthy. Further, if he starts taking the piss and never coming home and your interactions remain negative then you'll have resolved that "does he really just need space?" question.
If he is missing you and thinking about you then there are still emotions there and my opinion is that if there are emotions then there's the possibility of repairing things. You've got to decide for yourself whether it is something you want to try and fix or not. If you want things to work then pursue that. Try to make changes to the relationship that allow you both to be happy and get on. If it works, great, if not at least you tried. Either way, there's no sense sitting around second guessing why he didn't end things immediately.
Could be wrong, but something to ponder.
-Irv
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt sucks because now I'm stuck in an apartment that reminds me of him all over, in a town without any of my close friends or family ):
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A
female
reader, anonymous39 +, writes (21 January 2011):
OMG!! I'm sorry, but if you love someone you WANT to be with them. Move on my friend he's just not that into you.
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