A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I spilt up from my boyfriend of three and a half years almost 7 months ago. There has been a lot of hurt and pain caused, and a lot of things said and done and as a results we have found it really difficult to get back together. However, we still love each other. The problem is we are both seeing other people, and the reason we are, is so that we can try and move on. I saw him yesterday and told him exactly how I feel and that I think we are meant to be together. When we are together it just feels right. I asked him if he still loves me and he said yes. He then also said that he wishes none of this had ever happened and that we could just go back.He has now asked me for time to think about what he want and to make a decision. This is the hardest thing I have ever been asked and to relinquish control is definately not one of my strong points.Do I wait or do I give him an ultimatum? Does he really love me if he is questioning himself?
View related questions:
get back together, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear KC100
Thank you so much for your honest and insightful answer. The two week wait is ideal and if he decided to come back to me, I will definately take your advice on board.
I received an email from him last night asking me to respect the fact that he needs time to think and clear his head. I keep asking myself and mulling over the fact that it has already been so long and shouldn't love conquer all? Okay, Im not that naive but I honestly we do love each other.
So now, I just have to wait. I have to be strong. I will keep this wall updated.
Love is so precious!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 November 2009):
 Well before I even get onto the part about you and your ex, the first thing you need to do is leave this poor guy you are seeing! End things now before you hurt him further, it is not fair on him when you are still in love with someone else.
Actually what I think you and your ex need to do is to both leave your respective current partners (you can demand that he does that - he will not be able to "think" properly if he still has another woman in his life clouding his judgement. If he doesnt leave her.....well you have your answer as to whether he loves you or not).
Once you are both single and free from any other romantic connections then it is the right point to take some time and think about your relationship. If he wants time, this does not mean he doesnt love you - he is actually being sensible and evaluating the situation properly instead of diving back in when problems may still exist.
I would suggest when you have both ended things with these new people that you spend around 2 weeks apart with no contact and no meeting up. It will give you time to clear your heads and really think about what you both want. Before you cut contact for 2 weeks agree a day and a time to meet up with each other at the end of the 2 week period so you can discuss getting back together and what you felt/thought over your 2 weeks apart.
I know it will seem hard being apart for 2 weeks like this but it is the best way to really get your head back in a good place and to see things clearly. You have both told each other that you still love each other and that it feels right to be together. So in that sense you are both feel the same way for each other and you are on the same page - that is a great start!
But the next step is to figure out what is stopping you get back together - he will have his reasons and you will have yours too. I suggest over the 2 weeks you ask yourself these questions and write down the answers:
1. Why did we break up?
2. What went wrong in our relationship?
3. What did I do to contribute to the demise of our relationship?
4. What did xxxx (insert your ex-boyfriend's name) do to contribute to the demise of the relationship?
5. What are my concerns about getting back together/concerns for the future
6. Where do I see this relationship going in the future?
7. What would I like to change in our relationship?
8. What are the best things about xxxx (ex-boyfriend's name)
9. What are the best things about our relationship?
10. What do we both need to do (together and as individuals) to make this relationship work next time?
You need to have an answer for each of the questions (you will find some overlap) and your boyfriend also needs to answer those same questions. You can only answer those questions alone - trying to work it out together will only cause arguments and your own individual feelings will get lost. But by having 2 weeks apart where you can spend time figuring these things out (you dont have to have the answers all in one night, thats why you should take a couple of weeks to really think about it and not rush it). Write down your answers, and your boyfriend needs to do the same. Having them written down helps to clearly communicate the issues you have in your relationship when you do come to meet again, rather than trying to talk over each other and things get confusing!
It will be best if you speak first - without interruptions. So your boyfriend will let you go through your list, explaining one question and answer at a time. At the end of each answer this is your boyfriend's chance to respond. You have to be careful this doesnt turn into an argument - hence why it is critical to write down your answers so they are clear and concise, and then for him to wait until you have finished so he can hear the full story without interrupting. Once you have worked your way through your list, it is then your ex-boyfriend's turn. Once he has had his turn - you need to compare what things on the lists you have in common, and where things differ. Hopefully the good things will be pretty much the same and there might be some differences in the bad bits/reasons why things went wrong. These differences are then the building blocks for what you need to work on.
If you can both do this properly then that should be the start of your relationship building back up again and you will be able to move forwards with this relationship. But if he wont leave this girl he is seeing, and if he wont do all of what I have suggested above then I think you can safely question his feelings for you. After all, if he really loved you and wanted to make this work he would do this for you and for the sake of your relationship.
Bear in mind that you need to do a lot of work in order to get this relationship back on track, and both of you need to be 100% committed to trying. Time to think is not a bad thing, but only if you are both thinking about the same thing and working towards the same goal.
So dont issue him with an ultimatum - issue him with a plan. Phase 1 - leave the people you are currently seeing. Phase 2 - outline the goal of the plan (which in your case is because you both still love each other you want to get back together). Phase 3 - issue the list of questions and agree a date & time to meet up at the end of the 2 weeks. Phase 4 - Spend 2 weeks apart and answer all questions. Phase 5 - meet up and go through answers together, identify areas where you need to work on your relationship. Phase 6 - Fingers crossed you have a good idea of why you want to be together and a good action plan of what needs to change in order to make it work.
Relationships take a lot of time and hard work, they dont come easily especially after 3 and a half years. Life gets in the way, things change and all of a sudden you are in a complete mess that you never saw coming. Work as hard on your relationship as you would at work or at school, then you will start getting somewhere. But only if you both want it, it wont work if one person wants it more than the other. And if you are worried your ex doesnt want it as badly as you do - do exactly as I said above (about the leaving the current people you are seeing and then issue him with the plan) - that will give you a good indication of how committed he is to making this work.
I hope this helps and good luck! Keep us posted!
...............................
A
female
reader, some gurl  +, writes (17 November 2009):
I do not think he is not loving you if he asks for time to think, sometimes it is not only about love, there is much more things to be taken into consideration.. i think you took your time and thought about it, now give him the time he needs.. and belive me, maybe waiting is a hard thing, but blaming yourself or feeling insecure because of rushing things is much harder..
...............................
|
