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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been out on a couple of dates with my old high school teacher. He has been divorced for a little over a year with a daughter from his previous marriage. He's 26 years old, and I am 20. I can't help, but think, that he's only trying to sleep with me. Even though he sends me messages and emails nearly everyday calling me sweetheart and other affectionate names. His dates that he makes with me are really elaborate and sweetly thought through, but he has told me before we started seeing each other that he wasn't going to commit himself for a long time. I am worried that he is only in it for sex. Do you think I'm paranoid, or do you think that I'm wasting my time with something that's not there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Everything you guys wrote helped me extremely, and in fact, made me feel a little better about the whole situation. I took your advice and I did talk to him about my true feelings, and I also asked him what he was thinking. He is on the exact same page as me when it comes to our "dating relationship". We've decided to just take things slow. I do appreciate all the help!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): well, if you don't sleep with him, you won't have to worry about that.
i wouldn't be too optimistic about it. women have a strange ability to hear whatever they want to believe in what a guy says.
if i were you, i'd go on a few more dates with him and keep things light; see where things go. and if he starts pressing for more, i think you should just be clear that you want an exclusive relationship. if he wants to date other girls, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn't be getting involved with him sexually as long as that's true. have more respect for yourself than that.
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A
female
reader, vina_101  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 I don't think you should give up on him and I don't think you are wasting your time. But whenever you have doubts about things like this you should always bring it up and get things straight.You should ask him one day, just to be sure and tell him the reason why you have your doubts.
You want to be with him and you probably want him to commit to you (I don't mean marrige). What I mean is you want him to give you 100% and whole heartedly give to you as much as you give to him in this relationship. Am I right? I don't think you should compromise that it's not fair on you. So when he says "I'm not going to commit myself for a long time" that may indicate that he knows you are expecting something more from him.
So ask him what commitment means to him and what it meant in that context and how you fit in with that. He might mean like Lilly said "not ready for another marrige anytime soon" or he might mean "not ready for a proper relationship." Don't settle for less hoping that things will get better. If you are not sure, ask.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (15 January 2007):
 Well, I think he IS telling you. You said, "He is not going to commit himself for a very long time." But doesn't that mean he won't commit to you eventually? No. I don't think he is just after you for sex, I think he is after you to date you and yes, possibly sleep with you, and maybe even have a relationship with you. I have found that single guys, and previously married guys often have different definitions of what commit is. When a never married before guy says he's not going to commit, that typically means "Not commit to a bf/gf relationship." When a previously married guy says he's not going to commit, that typically means he "Not planning on committing to another marriage anytime soon."
Inspite of me saying this, only you can be the judge of what he means... OR you could just ask him what he means, straight out, and find out for sure. Guys appreciate honesty and direct questions... and they generally don't care for subtle questioning. Hope this helps.
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