A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I am in a bit of a dilemma with my hubby, we got married a few months back and I could not be happier. The only thing that worries me is that he does not trust me so I feel anyway.He loves me too I know it but I feel like whatever kind of signals I give off it deters men from trusting me even though they have all the reason in the world to trust me.It's not like he never said I am not allowed to go out alone or anything but I did with my friends once or twice and when I got back he was either in a mood or else would say I would never do that to you bla bla bla. so in a way he is saying no with the mind games.He asks me nearly every day did I cheat did I do this that and the other, I don't work at the moment so am at home all day, he says it most of the time kinda joking and if I get crankiy over it he says I'm only messing but I know he's not and why am I getting all defensive when he asks that I have something to hide. Why did he marry me if he's constantly testing me? I think from what I understand he had a hard time in his last relationship. I tell him constanlty that I am not her. I have had bad relationships too, the last one I was violently abused so you would not blame me if I was cautious of going into another but I not I know he's not the person that did that.The last day really done it for me, I went to town to collect my young fella my mom was dropping him off and I said I would go in early and do the shopping so I did. I fixed my hair with the straighteners and put on a nice top and all I got was who you dressing up for. I thought nothing of it and went in. After my shopping I had to wait like twenty minutes for my mom in the carpark and when I got back the first thing he asked me was am I seeing someone and was all down and out about it. I reaassured him but he kept going on and on and on.Monday I had an interview for a job and I got it and now he jokes will I cheat on him in the storeroom with a fella.I'm sick of it, I don't know how to react anymore. I tried every kind of reaction. This will push me away from him I don't want that but I am afraid it will coz it happened in my last two relationships and would you blame me especially when I am doing nothing wrong.He says his reason is that he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl and loves me to bits and is afraid he will lose me but that is not reason enough. He can't enjoy me ur marriage if he can't trust. I told him that and that there is a fine line between possesivness and love and that jelousy can be very dangerous what it does to the mind.Does he really love me? or does he love how I make him feel?Countless questions hopefully you will be able to give me some answers.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (21 November 2008):
 "the day i stop having them feelings on uncertainty is the day i stop loving you"
That is one damaged puppy. Based on your history with men, could it be possible that you are attracted to men that seem to need fixing, so that the story always ends with you dumping the guy because the very faults that initially attracted to you to him eventually turn you off?
If I'm right, then what is your next move?
A
female
reader, cupids arrow  +, writes (20 November 2008):
Hi there,I am not so sure it is to do with lack of trust, but more that he is insecure and i can totally understand where he is coming from, though he just comes right out with it and asks you,instead of using a more subtle approach! he loves you and does not want to lose you,nor does he want to be alone. i made my boyfriend insecure and he also came to not trust me emotionally and now he does not want a relationship at all and id give anything for him back, but i think i pushed it too far. Fact is we do not know that we are pushing, but we are and we cannot help it as emotions are so strong.Why dont you have a proper chat with him, ask him if there is anything you could do to reassure him and make him feel less insecure and even consider that maybe you both need some space, so he could see what it would be like to be without you and so then he knows not to exasperate the problem.It can be wearing when someone repeatedly goes on about the same thing, but he may not even be aware that he is doing it. I think it will be a time thing and hopefully he will grow out of it! hope this helps :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks everyone it relieves me somewhat that i was right that there is a problem there that i wasnt imagining it.well i had a talk with him last night after another remark(am getting cable tv fitted today and a man has to call to the house to fit it)he made a remark "dont be inviting him to the bedroom now?" and i just used that as breaking the ice and getting into this conversation.i asked him plain and simple "do you trust me?" and he said ya.
"do you believe me when i say i would never been with anyone" and he said yes
and one thing then i asked him you no i would never ever cheat. and he said "no one knows"
that made me fill with anger but i said quiet calmly.
no one knows the futre is that what you mean and he nodded.ya i said we dont know if we be together forever but as long as i with you i wont cheat.
i said to him then is the reason why your paranoid because of tyhe past and he said ya and he esp does not want to happen with me.
and the final thing he said on it that realllly!!!!got on my nerves
"the day i stop having them feelings on uncertainty is the day i stop loving you"
what the f@#k? i wanted to roar he just finished with i'm a man all men are the same its primitive
i tried to keep the conversation going but he said he did not want to talk bout it anymore and it put him into a mood all i said was your cheesed off coz i went on bout it, how u think i feel when your nagging like that every day!!!!
i no its hard but i hope he comes to his senses.another thing my two previous ex'x were the same and after i broke up with them they had realised what they done i told them a thousand times when i was with them to stop and guess what by the time it was over i cudnt give two hoots.they no that now and it was too late and they told me "i no the way i treated you was the reason you walked.it was the biggest regret of my life"
two of them like and now my husband is doing it.
yes he was doing it before we got married but i thought it wud all stop .i told him bout what happened to my ex's and i do really hope that it wont happen with him.i do really love him the others were nothing thats prob while i a am so patient.but it would be love that i give up on it be a broken heart and exhaustion from all this pressure and stress. i have two kids from previous relationships and sometimes i feel snappy at them if i get "accused" and i feel bad i dont want to be a cranky mom.
i just want to be happy all around and that isnt making me happy its the most horrible feeling in the world that the person u love does not have any faith in u.but its not me that has the prob right?its him and im getting the blunt of it.i feel like crying when i think of it.well gotta go for now ill keep ye updated if anything else arises any more advice or comfort wud be a huge help.thanks.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (19 November 2008):
Furthermore your man has some emotional baggage that predates you and he needs to sort it out. You cannot fix him, so don't try. He is in a denial stage at this point, and has not hit bottom. He needs to hit bottom to realize that he and not everyone around him has a problem.
I admire your patience, but the longer you enable his behaviour the worse the prospects become for a successful marriage. Do you want to be married to a man like this or to one who is full of joy and wants to share that joy? He can be the guy who is full of joy but he's not there yet.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (19 November 2008):
No trust = path to failed marriage.
Any healthy marriage that I've encountered includes mutual trust as a necessary condition for continued success. Just remember that your husband has the trust issues and his behaviour is certainly manipulative and borders on abusive.
Gently remind your husband that you chose him over all others, and that his continued lack of trust will become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you WILL deceive him to spare yourself the grief of his accusations.
If accepting the truth and trusting his wife is insufficient for him now, then perhaps it will be after he starts imagining a life without his family because he drove them all away.
Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): I suggest you talk to him. He needs professional help to overcome his trust issues. Counseling might be advisable.
Trust is very important in a relationship and communication is vital. Oh, and remember patience is one of the basic qualities of which "forever-after" is made of.
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