A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in communication - emails and occasionally video chats - with an older man (late 60s) who recently became a widower. I knew him a bit before he moved to another country and before his wife died. I enjoy our correspondence quite a lot. I am not sure, but I think he likes me as potentially more than a friend. I am 53, but I guess I look and behave quite a bit younger - not deliberately, it's just how I am as I work a lot with younger people and a lot of my friends are younger.One thing I have not quite figured out and would like an opinion about please: the way our communication began was I was having a couple of work-related events and I sent out a general group email to my contacts. He responded very kindly about my work etc. and in his email mentioned his wife had died. I responded back, then he responded back and so on.However - and I am not even sure why it feels this way but it really does - I somehow feel that he will not contact me if I don't answer back to him. This is even though, in a way, it was him who began the more personal correspondence. I have an aunt who is about the same age as him, and I know that one of her rules is that whoever contacts whomever first has to 'lead' the communication and it is only good manners that the person who did not initiate the contact should not try to change the dynamic, unless something unusual like a wedding invitation or sudden bad news occurs.Now, what I cannot figure out is why this annoys me a bit. He is 'old school' in a way, and it honestly seems like our communication is to the effect that he would like more than friendship. But there is something about the whole thing that almost makes me feel like I am to serve him, I am to 'chase' him etc. He does talk a lot about himself, but I know this is quite common especially for older men. So, perhaps he is a little self-centred. He is definitely wealthy because he has been quite explicit about this in our conversations - but I am not exactly poor myself and I'm definitely not after his money. I just cannot figure out why this bugs me a bit. I tried not contacting him for several weeks once before and he did not respond. Then I felt sorry for him due to his situation, and to be honest I missed talking with him. So, I resumed the contact. Recently, I became concerned that things really did seem to be becoming more than friends, and I did not want to hurt him, or me - I became confused and backed away again. He hasn't contacted me and I know he won't unless I contact him.It makes me somehow feel like he has to feel that he has the power, he is the one in control. I know some of his male friends and they also give off this feeling, in subtle but well-rehearsed ways. Perhaps he really is just being gentlemanly, but somehow it doesn't quite feel like that.I am a bit confused overall. Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2021): Thank you Youcannotbeserious and Honeypie, I appreciate the responses.
I know what you mean about how his behaviour seems to let me set a pace for things - and yet, somehow in a way I can't put my finger on, there really is something about this that feels too controlled (and potentially controlling? ) on his part. Maybe it's a generational thing - just plain, good old fashioned etiquette, maybe to do with his bereavement, maybe it is because he genuinely respects me (I know he does because he's told me and he knows people I know and he also respects them very highly too), maybe it means nothing at all, I honestly don't know. I can't put my finger on it, so I'm going to back off I think. It's not even that I necessarily want something with him, I'm just a bit confused by this feeling that I have - I don't understand it at all. Best to back off and leave it at that - if he contacts me I will answer, but other than that I think I will just leave it be.
Thank you again both of you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 July 2021):
 I'm puzzled that you accuse him of trying to be "in control" when he actually takes your lead and only responds when you contact him. Surely that puts YOU in control? Or am I missing something? Nobody can have the sort of power over someone that you refer to without the other person's express involvement. He is not forcing you to correspond with him in any way; you are CHOOSING to do it.
Do you perhaps think he is trying to be manipulative? If so, then, again, YOU have the option to step away. You admit you enjoy corresponding with him and, if he doesn't contact you, you contact him. Have you considered, maybe he doesn't actually want to get involved with you but is too polite to ignore you when you keep contacting him? Just a thought.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 July 2021):
 I don't think you HAVE to be the one to keep the communication going. IF he is interested (being friends or more) I think he would do some chasing and initiating.
So in MY book if someone doesn't seem to participate and occasionally initiate they aren't interested.
Is that always the truth? No. Each person is different.
Maybe him mentioning losing his wife was also him telling you (in a way) that he would like to be "cared for" (to an extend) and to be gentle with.
They are men (him and his friend group) of a certain age, from a certain generation. Their behavior is definitely colored by that.
My thing is this, does he engage in conversations if you start one?
Do you enjoy these conversations?
If yes to both, it shouldn't matter who initiates. Could be that he doesn't want to "bother" you.
It doesn't make HIM be in control by not writing back. It kind of lets YOU set a pace of how much and how often you want to talk. As a friend, yeah that is fine.
BUT if you are looking for a romantic connection, HE is not it for you. You would want more participation.
Also if he is newly widowed he might NOT really be looking for something romantic or serious.
I think you are reading more into his silence than what is there.
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