A
female
age
51-59,
*ariaTrent
writes:Dear Cupid: Am I too paranoid/insecure, or are there some red flags here? Something about this LDR doesn’t sit right with me. After chatting 3 mos. on Facebook, I returned to my home state to meet a guy I went to high school with (-I’m 3 states away). Back then, he was a loner and said he had a crush on me and used to stare (-I caught him one time). He’s never been married and says he doesn’t have much luck with women. Last year, after a week of dating (without sex), I told him what was the point of him casually dating me since I’m LDR, so “good-bye”. He called me after 3 days and agreed to be exclusive, and we’ve allegedly been in an exclusive LDR for 1-yr now. Twice a week + usu. Friday night we play online games and talk on the phone. I often question him what he’s getting out of this, esp. since he’s not getting sex (I’m religious). His original answer was that I challenge him, I’m intelligent, am easy on the eyes, he enjoys his time with me…but now it’s “still getting to know me” or “friendship” (-he said he’s never been close to anyone, not even his mother; I’ve observed that his current best friend – a guy – is not a reliable friend). I’ve told him that if he ever starts to date someone else, please have the courtesy to break up with me first instead of cheating, but he asks me in frustration what I’m talking about. I average initiating breaking up with him every 3 wks because I feel very uneasy about us, but he is determined to hang on to me and never consents to a break up, no matter how angry I make him (*that impresses me because this relationship is not convenient for him at all). Last time, I sent him an email asking if he really wanted to be with someone who was going to piss him off all the time because I always will, nor did I want to be in that kind of a relationship, and his response totally ignored anything I said – instead, he told me what my garage told him about a problem I was having with my car and he set up an appointment for me to take it in for servicing (*re: me making him mad, he later told me he’s not happy unless he’s pissed about something). However, he has only visited me once and I visited him 5x now. Said he hasn’t traveled in years due to not having someone to watch his old, chronically ill pets. I stopped visiting after Xmas but he still made no plans to see me, only asked when I was coming again (but never offers to pay my travel expenses; however he spends probably an equal amount of money on me when I’m there). He said it’s best for me to travel since I have family there (well, what’s left of it). He checks if there will be construction or bad weather during my trip. He spends hours checking things on my car, making sure it’s running right and he’ll call my garage and chew on them if something’s not right (i.e., too much oil). I reluctantly agreed to come visit next month for the holiday, but he seems to still be trying to find a way to come here. He asks when I’m moving back but he’s not offering to pay because he said it would be like an engagement and he has to be sure. He periodically checks to be sure I’m actively finishing college, since I said my move was contingent on finishing school. When I do see him, I notice his eyes visibly light up and he smiles when he looks at me. He will get in my face to stare in my eyes, like he’s looking for something. He always insists that we sleep in the same bed, even though there’s no sex (-actually, I stay with him). He’s a perfect gentleman, too. After 5 mos., he told me next visit, I needed to at least give him a HJ, and even though I agreed, he still hasn’t taken me up on it. Now after not seeing him for 4.5 mos, I just visited him. He made a casual comment that made me angry the 1st night, so I again questioned what he was getting out of this ( and he said “friendship”). This was the 1st time he yelled at me, asking if it ever occurred to me that I was wrong (about his intentions), and that we could be so much more intimate. The rest of the time, things were good with a few rough patches. The worst was this: I went with him to have his motorcycle serviced. After about 30 mins., I sat outside their showroom and saw a pretty biker girl ride up and go inside. He quickly darted out of the service area and followed behind her. Being suspicious, I went inside, and he was lingering directly behind her as she was talking at the salesman’s desk. I had a strong impression he wanted to ask her to go riding sometime (*he did mention the 1st night I was in town that he wished he had someone to do things with, and I said that’s what his friends were for). When I came in and approached him, he went to the far end of the showroom. After I returned home, I began to distance myself from him. Finally I asked him if my impression about the biker girl was correct, but he denied ever seeing her there and said he went to look at motorcycles (-however, he did ask me earlier if I wanted to go into the showroom to look at motorcycles, but it’s just he was walking very fast to get there after she went in). He brought it up again hours later, asking me why I waited weeks to bring this up to him instead of mentioning it at the moment (-maybe he only intended to flirt, but it looked to me he definitely wanted to make contact with her). I just wonder if he’s been asking women out all along and I’m on the side. I once asked him if he was taking other females out to dinner or other places, and his “careful” response was, “You wouldn’t like that.” (He never said “yes” or “no”). Also, a few weeks ago he jokingly commented (during one of our LDR discussions) that if he did have sex with someone else, all he needed was 3 minutes.Other things that I keep in mind: (1) His best friend has been in a casual relationship for 7-8 yrs and recently slept with an old flame (-I don’t want that happening to me); (2) my guy never talks to me on Facebook anymore, and we used to chat like peas in a pod; he doesn’t have our relationship status posted either.(3) After we dated for a few weeks, he said, “Since we get along so well, why not just get married?” and I told him that he’s never been married and that person is ALWAYS there, but he said we could take different parts of the house (*When I reflect on this now, I think he was testing me to see what I was after because he is in no hurry to get married. I also told him I had sex with my former fiancé…)(4) Nine mos. ago, my guy was encouraged that his nephew got married to a girl he was in a 3-yr. LDR with and they’re still in an LDR (transitioning)(5) months ago, he took me to pick out new eyeglasses for him so I picked out glasses to bring out his eyes and the way he said, “thank you” to me seemed strange (*I just felt like he was thanking him to help him look better for other women; also, he introduced me to the salesman as a female friend giving him advice); (6) I sent him some good close up pics I took of him and he asked me which I liked the best (*Is he posting them on a dating page??)(7) He trusts me alone in his house if he has to go to work, has even given me a key. I never stay when he’s not there, though. (8) I visited him twice last October, the latter being due to an unexpected death in the family. I asked him if I could stay with him, and he consented, saying, “It’s not like there’s someone else sleeping in my bed.” That response struck me as odd.(9) I have met his friends and family on several occasions (including Xmas), but he never told them our relationship status.(10) He spent New Years’ Eve playing games online with me.(11) when I left my visit this last time, I told him I was pretty sure I had all my stuff. He said he’d make sure and ran inside (-last time I left a jean jacket, but he kept it until I returned). It bothered me he was double-checking to be sure I didn’t leave anything behind. However, before I drove off, he looked sad when he said, “I’m really going to miss you.” Does he consider our LDR a genuine relationship or am I on the side?
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a break, best friend, crush, facebook, flirt, money, online game, online gaming, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MariaTrent +, writes (3 June 2012):
MariaTrent is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat sounds about right. Thanks.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (3 June 2012):
 From reading ur post carefully, the insight im getting is that he is using you. not for sex obviously. hes using u for emotional support. ur always there for him if he needs someone to talk to, and that boosts up his confidence in case another girl comes his way. hes not committed to u otherwise 1) he would come see you 2) he would introduce u to his family as his loving girlriend. u have been way too flexible with him. also, stop telling men uve had sex before, unless they are religious themselves. ur in ur mid 40ies, u cant expect a guy not to have sex with you before marriage, unless he's THAT religious. so next time find a guy from church and DUMP this douchebag.
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