| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Can you tell me if this is the way a caring partner should be.I had been looking forward to going out all week but last night it went wrong. We went to pick up a friend and I felt unwell so we had to get the taxi to take me home. My boyfriend did offer to stay at home with me but I didn't want to spoil his night, that was the last thing I wanted. So he went off in the taxi with his male mate and our female friend.I felt pretty miserable and upset on my own (I suffer from anxiety and that's what caused me to have to go home, that and not feeling too good) and I hoped that my partner would come home a little earlier out of concern for me (or even that they would as a party come back and have a little party or get together with me as one of the gang had to come home early). I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have wanted to be home a little earlier for my boyfriend to make sure he was ok.He came home at almost 3am in the morning blind drunk. Am I being unreasonable expecting a little more from a loving boyfriend? Its caused an argument and he's yelled and threatened me.
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): Ive been in the same situation, its nothing..guys are a little selfish when they are out and having a good time, he probarbly thought nothing of you going, did you assure him you'd be okay? did you insist he went out? if you did you can't now blame him for going....You would have felt worse if he came home and he would have felt a wee bit crappy because he had to go home....but when he went out he was probarbly telling people what a sound girlfriend he has that you are confident enough to let him go out on his own without you and how proud he is off you being a big girl and being thoughful and going home
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (12 February 2006):
 Like I say you asked for advice. You asked what people thought. I told you what I thought, that I thought was the point of this exercise! Not everybody has the same thought patterns, opinions and processes as you. I am very sorry if I view things differently from you. And I am also sorry if I offended you. Sometimes things are looked at by others in a different way to yourself, that is why people have problems and that unfortunately is what makes places like these so valuable.
If you feel that he doesn't treat you right and he is being inconsiderate (which, now knowing your history in a more thorough way, I can FULLY understand why you were so upset at him, AND my answer)I would suggest that he is being an inconsiderate idiot. I am sorry I offended you again. Really.
I hope your problems work out.x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): Willywombat, I am anon because I am one of the most highly rated agony aunts here but I don't wish to reveal my identity because I prefer to offer advice, though being human, I have my own problems.Anxiety isn't always something you can simply sort out and my partner was aware of any problems I had before he got with me (online dating) but indeed I am aware of the effect it can have but I do know that he loves me because I am so much more to offer than only anxiety.I simply think you missed the point being made here and I'm not sure if you read the other answers. It wasn't a security or even an anxiety issue; it was about respect and understanding within a relationship. I have never had a problem with my partner going out (I say this because I used to suffer agoraphobia...) I just wanted to feel cared for, that's all. Very simple.Hope now you understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (11 February 2006):
Yes I do know what anxiety is, I have researched it - part of my job, and I have suffered with it and panic attacks and been treated for them. So I am allowed to make my point, if you think it is invalid then that is your opinion. There is no need to take a rude tone and to hide behind an anon stance is there....
Your anxiety does sem to be getting the better of you having a happy life. Have you ever thought what it must be like having a partner who has a mental health problem ( which is what anxiety basically is)
Like I say, you asked for an opinion, I gave you mine.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2006): Willy wombat, it shouldn't be that a boyfriend threatens to leave you if you don't get your problems sorted out! That's crap! Relationships are about support and loving, not threatening. And just because you don't want your partner to stay in with cos you don't wish for him to have a bad time does not mean he should basically take the piss and return completely legless in the early hours of the morn! Insecurity wasn't the issue here, I wanted him to have a really good time but not at my expense! It demonstrated that he only really cared about himself. Do you actually know what anxiety is? Perhaps you should research it.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (11 February 2006):
You say you suffer with anxiety - you need to look into getting this problem sorted out as it is obviously spoiling your enjoyment of life. You say he yelled at you and threatened you - how? Did he threaten physical violence, if so dump him. Did he threaten to leave you if you didn't get your problems sorted out? If so listen to him, it could be that he feels you need help.
As for the coming home blind drunk thing, I think you are over-reacting. You said to him to go. Are you so insecure he is not allowed a night our with his friends? Did you sit at home stewing about it? I think you have control issues here and you may need to look more deeply into you psyche top understand why you needed him to come home and sit with you when by your own admission it was *anxiety* you were suffering form.
Don't use your BF as a crutch as you may find you drive him away. Get your own problems sorted out.
Good luck x
...............................
A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (11 February 2006):
 I think Smeedle's advice here is spot on.
...............................
A
female
reader, nofrills +, writes (11 February 2006):
 No you are not being unreasonable at all & your boyfriend is being a real jerk!
As for the threats, NEVER put up with crap of this nature!
...............................
A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (11 February 2006):
 Welcome to the real world, people are selfish they do not think and certainly they do not do as we think they should.
It was not unreasonable for you to think that he may come home early but once people get into a party atmosphere and the drink flows good intentions fly out the window.
I have had similar things happen to me and I too have expected mates or partners to come and see me or come home and they never do, you just have to accept that when you are not out with them you are out of the picture, that is harsh but once the drink is flowing so are the good intentions flowing down the drain.
People and especially loved ones do not do as we expect, they have not read the same script as we have, home alone is just that, lonely and depressing, you are watching the clock and imagining all sorts of things, he is having fun and getting leggless and time means nothing.
What you need to do is sort out this anxiety problem you have, you need proffessional help like councelling or maybe see your GP for some medication or relaxation therapy, there is loads that can be done, then you can be at the party not sitting at home.
Lastly is the bit about you having a row and him yelling and threatening you, this is worrying as no one should threaten anyone else, do you or did you feel scarred?
We all raise our voices during a row and sometimes things are said that should not have been said, but threats are not good and you need to sort that out.
...............................
|
