A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, sorry this is long.I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, he treats me perfect and has never cheated on me or given me any reason not to trust him. But out of nowhere I've started to drive myself (and him) insane by questioning him and thinking that he's lying to me :(I work with quite a few men and I wish that I hadn't been involved in some of the conversations that they'd had. Most of the men I work with are in long term relationships or are married, but they all talk about/perve over different women all day long. I'm not naive, I know that's what men do, but some of their comments have made me feel so rubbish about my own relationship. They say comments like their wife is "Past it now", yeh they love them but "they've had their day", that the girls that they're looking at are fitter than their partners, they look at 18 year olds, talk about what they'd like to do to different women, flirt like mad with women, talk about what they'd do if they would never get caught. A few of them have cheated on stag weekends/nights out and I've heard different stories about what they've got up to that their partner's don't know. They show eachother different porn clips etc too.The thing is, I know I'm making them sound like idiots (and the ones who've cheated definately are), but most of them are generally nice guys. I've met alot of their girlfriends and they seem really sweet together etc. But then I see them looking at/talking about other girls all day long.I've said to them a few times about how it's not being nice to their partners some of the things that they say, but they say that all men do it/think it. They say that my boyfriend will be doing exactly the same thing/thinks the same as them, as he's a man too. They say that he'll be thinking of how fit my mate is or women in work, and be thinking of them sometimes instead of me when we're having sex/when he's on his own.Even outside work, when I'm with my male friends who are in relationships, I see them looking at other girls when they're girlfriends aren't there.My boyfriend always tells I'm perfect and he doesnt look at anyone else. He's told me that he's not interested in porn and doesn't watch it, isn't interested in strippers, doesn't fancy anyone else etc etc.. but I can't help thinking that he's lying to me :( I've made myself paranoid and I wish I didn't but I question him about if he thinks my friends are fit, if he secretly does watch porn, if he thinks about anyone else when we have sex/he masturbates, who he would sleep with if I let him sleep with someone else just once, if he thinks I'm getting "past it" now, 5 years on.... STUPID questions that I wish I didn't ask him.. It's like I just want him to admit it because so many people have told me "all men are like that".. he keeps telling me I'm perfect and I'm the only one he thinks about and I know if I keep asking these questions I will push him away. I just don't know how to get over thinking that he's lying to me :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): CMMP, can you elaborate a little more on what you said? (You're the only male that answered this question, so I'm curious). Do you make comparisons between the women you like to look at and your wife? Do you ever think she's past her prime so other women look better? Do you seek out women to look at, or do you only look when one happens to walk by? If you were to come home one day and find that your wife had reverted back to her 18 year old self face/body-wise, would the temptation to look at others be gone? Or would you still look just as much? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just very curious to know how guys think.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 April 2013):
 You're right. If you keep indulging the anxiety and insecurity and press him, you will push him away. He cannot accommodate your insecurity, nor should you make him.
You bring up specific points, so I want to go backwards from the most serious of concerns and go from there:
1. Cheating -- Good men do not cheat. It's not a guy thing. However, you forget that you choose every day to stay with him. You should never live in fear of him cheating. If he does, then he reveals his character, and you are free to drop him or give him a second chance. the decisions are in your court.
2. Porn/Strippers -- So what, exactly, is the worst thing that can happen if he watches porn? Porn isn't cheating, and using it for a guy is like the visual equivalent of a vibrator for a girl. He's not choosing other women over you. Porn stimulates general sexual arousal, often leading to the private relief of sexual tension. It has nothing to do with how you look or any sort of comparison. Strippers are another occasion, and I highly doubt he's off secretly going to clubs. Strip clubs are typically less discreet than porn, and cost much more!
3. You question him about if he thinks your friends are fit?!? Are you serious?? Stop asking him anything that even remotely sounds close to that question, because it's ridiculous. You're setting him up, and it's not fair to him. Who cares about what he thinks of your friends? I'm guessing that before you asked him, he didn't consider them at all. That sort of question is destructive for simply asking it, so you've gotta stop that once and for all. Too much strain on a relationship.
4. The men at your workplace -- their "locker room talk" is what they do to blow off steam, and chances are that most of it is just smoke blowing, similar to women in groups going out for coffee and complaining about their husbands, kids, parents, and commenting on the hot barista at the Starbucks counter. The few who are actually cheating are disgusting pigs, so don't let the few pigs taint your mind into thinking all guys do that.
5. Their comments about how "all men" do it, and how your man is too - you were putting them on the spot, and that is their ego's response. All men aren't pigs, and sure, guys appreciate beauty. Your boyfriend is a man, and of course he's going to appreciate beauty no matter where it is. But appreciating the fitness of young women and cheating are two different things. Unless he's ogling other women and leering at them in your presence, then you have nothing to worry about. Men have a visual response much more attuned to women, and the only way I could compare it so that you could understand is -- have you ever seen a food commercial, or driven or walked past a restaurant with an outdoor grill, or even seen a billboard advertising a breakfast or dinner, you start salivating and your stomach starts growling. Does that mean you're a slave to those physical responses and must go eat right then? Nope! It's an automatic response, but you are in control. It passes in time.
Same with a guy. Let's say you're at a beach, and some hot supermodel-type runs by in a bikini. It's almost comical to watch a group of guys rubbernecking when a girl runs by like that. But, like the salivating, it's an automatic response. They appreciate the beauty, and then it passes. Some guys will store that random image in their brain subconsciously where it'll mix with other stuff he's seen all his life and intrude on this thoughts. Guys are at different levels of self-control.
Bottom line, none of what I've described even comes close to being committed to a woman. So much more is at play. Trust your guy, and don't get rattled because god forbid there are women out there prettier than you are. He's with you, and he's been trustworthy. If he watches porn or considers the fitness of others, big deal. You can't be the evil queen from Snow White who goes ballistic and murderous when you realize that you're not the fairest in the land. But he loves you. That's much stronger than those stupid pigs at work talk about.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 April 2013):
I think 99% look. I know I do if my wife isn't around. And at this point I'd never cheat on her because I'd never put myself in the position to where I had to resist an unusual amount of temptation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): Okay first thing is it seems like your partner loves you very much...i too am a jealous girlfriend but honestly for the best you have to stop attacking your boyfriend..it will only chorode your relationship...and the men in the office are probably showing off I see it all the time with men that truely love their wives talk about them because they want to seem like one of the guys...stop worrying....although realistically he probably does watch pirn...this is just natural for men they do it as do women...if you discuss it openly with him with a positive attitude he might come clear x
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