A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both 25 years old. We've been dating for around 2.5 years. Things are far from perfect, mostly concerning him and other women, and also my own insecurities. Anyhow, recently, the issue with us has been that of porn. In recent weeks, he has been having trouble getting off when we have sex. He blames it on his back pain but I can't help but feel that it is because I don't turn him on enough and that I am failing in satisfying his needs. Months ago, I've caught him downloading 50 gigs of porn in the span of a week. All these are making me feel like I don't satisfy him as much as the porn stars and that he isn't as attracted to me as he is to porn. I have communicated with him about my issues with him watching such huge amount of porn regularly. He denies having an addiction and goes on to compare his porn watching to my use of the vibrator. I find the two to be totally incomparable because I don't watch or even fantasize about other men when I use my vibrator, whereas he is getting aroused and is in essence fantasizing about having sex with other women when he's watching porn, which in itself is a very hurtful thing. I am unsure how to deal with this. I don't know if I can continue in a relationship with someone who downloads 50 gigs of porn in a week, and who finds it more satisfying watching porn than having sex with me. I guess the point of my post is to ask for input from women who have been in similar situations, how you deal with it and if this is something that I need to lose sleep over. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Okay, men like porn, women don't, you have to be understanding of your partner's desires, blah blah blah, nothing new.HOWEVER. 50 GB is roughly 106 hours of average-quality video, or 58 hours of high-def. Giving him the "benefit of the doubt" (which is, in this case, assuming he wants to see every pore of the genitalia in his downloads) means that a simple yes or no to answer your question depends on whether or not you've spent 58 hours of the past week (~8.5 hours EACH DAY!) in bed with Mr. Buzzy.If you wouldn't have been able to work a full-time job in the hours during which you enjoyed the company of a vibrator, then his comparison holds no water.I'm not a woman, I haven't been in a similar situation, but I am a guy who likes porn enough to know that your boyfriend is spinning serious BS.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Hi There,
I would just like to offer my opinion on this topic. Now before I start I would like to point out that I have lived in 9 different countries over my lifetime (I'm in my late twenties) and that I'm a Swedish citizen. Over the years I have noticed how people with different nationalities often have very different opinions about porn.
Now I hate to generalise but from my experience Americans (and even to some extent Brits) tend to be over dramatic when it comes to porn.
My fiancé for instance loves porn and always has. Normally he watches it on a daily basis and like your boyfriend he is rather selective in the material and usually goes through 'phases' of what will excite him sexually. He also never watches the same thing more than once unless there is nothing else available. In that respect I think your boyfriend may well be telling the truth in regards to the seemingly excessive amount of porn he downloads. As men grow older they simply become more picky.
In regards to a potential addiction I think people should be more careful with trying to 'brand' a habit or trait in terms of medical or biological disorders. Unless the condition is painfully obvious (ie he will not leave the porn other than to eat and use the bathroom) diagnosing an addiction should be left to a professional.
It may very well simply be that he enjoys watching it. Depending on the man and what culture he is from once or twice a day would be considered perfectly normal. Often its just a release, as opposed to the sexual please of having intercourse.
I have to agree with your boyfriend that watching porn is in essence the same as you using a vibrator. Remember the age-old disagreement of 'lights on during sex or lights off - you do not need the visual to become aroused (a finger or two on the right 'spot' will do the trick) but he does. He is not necessarily fantasising about these other women - believe it or not but more often than not he is just watching.
Anyway, I don't think porn is anything to get worried about in a relationship. Just be open and honest with each other. Ask him explain his habit so that you can understand it, but really you should just leave him alone to have a good wank, he'll be much more pleasant afterwards anyway :)
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): He is only using one part of the addiction test, the other parts are that he can't give it up for ANY length of time... I.E. if he wasn't addicted, he should be able to give it up for a week without any problem, this would allow his sex drive to improve. There are other indicators, do people near you express a concern about it, is it affecting your real life sexuality .... he is failing in those catagories! Is he defensive or hides and lies about his habit? This is another sex addiction 'sign'.
Addictions are damaging to relationships and sexual addiction even more so because it destroys that intimate connection that is the glue of relationships.
If he is a true addict, he will not be able to quit on his own, he will need support groups (sex addicts anonymous), counseling, or both. If he is unwilling to face this problem and do something about it, there isn't much hope for your relationship as all addictions are progressive and destructive.
There is a saying, it seems extreme, but I realize that it's true .... addicts end up in jails, institutions, or death. Different addictions, different consequences, but with time (perhaps a decade, perhaps a few years depending on the individual) , addicts suffer consequences and they suffer emotionally as the addiction takes over, isolating them from love.
I hope you can get through to your boyfriend before it's too late for him :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone's response. In his defense though, he has been a pretty great boyfriend aside from certain minor infidelity issues concerning his ex. His response to my whole complaint of porn watching is that it is to him only a quick fix and for stress relief, and that he downloads so much only because he watches each video only once and he downloads pretty much everything and only filters the good ones out to watch later. He said in order for it to be classified as an addiction, it would be affecting his daily life where he wouldn't be able to go on his normal daily routine without indulging himself into some porn watching, which he said it hasn't affected him to that level.
I really don't know what to think on this issue. I understand that in his opinion, he probably thinks that I'm being too intrusive on his habit and that I don't have a say in what he does with his own time. However, it concerns me because I can't imagine what life would be like if we decided to have a life together. Will he continue this habit or hide it from me? I can't spend the rest of my life feeling inadequate.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 I'm not a woman so you won't get that perspective but I can tell you that downloading that much porn is like having a very serious alcoholic in the relationship. He is making the comparison with the vibrator because that is all he has to work with, don't let him get away with that one.
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A
male
reader, ptw72a  +, writes (10 September 2009):
Ok i know you wanted to get female feedback, but as a guy id like to comment on this.First off ALL guys watch porn, even if they are madly in love with their partner. It doesn't mean he doesn't fancy his GF or that he prefers the stars, it's just that guys like visual aids to help them masturbateI have a fantastic partner, but i will still watch porn.. though mostly we watch it together...and sometimes have sex while its still on as it gets us going.Having said that 50gb in a week is a lot of porn! and he may be addicted to it.I'd look at it as that, a problem he has with an addiction, NOT a problem he has with you.Hope a guys perspective has helped .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Sweetheart, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! I'm a 45 year old woman. My man and I had been living together for 6 months when I discovered he was lying to me about his use of porn. When we first got together he thought he would be able to just stop all his habits from his bachelor days. We both found out he could not "just stop." Old habits die hard. He admitted he was probably addicted because he could not stop. My man told me, "I need the porn more than I need sex with you." and "I don't want to stop." I felt very depressed and rejected and suicidal. I felt I had no choice but to leave him, in order to save my own life at that point. I moved out of his apartment, and immediately felt 1,000 times better. I'm now cheerful and happy. He is now in individual therapy and feels like a worthless piece of crap. His therapist explained to him that he didn't feel safe with a real woman, but the porn women are safe to him. I have decided that he is not capable emotionally of tolerating intimacy with another person (just too scary) and is therefore NOT AVAILABLE to me. He has been this way since adolescence, so it has NOTHING to do with me. It is not a reflection on me in ANY WAY. Please free yourself. Be strong and be courageous and don't settle for anything that is beneath your standards. Good luck to you.
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