A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, I've recently broken up with my boyfriend after many years together. We had this amazing connection. He was my best friend in the world and I, his. We were kindred spirits, soulmates.. whatever you want to call it.The intimacy between us had died over the years, but we still deeply loved each other. The intimacy died from his side. He has been suffering from depression for many years, and being your typical guy, thought he could just 'fix' the problem and has never reached out for help. I've since learnt a lot about depression and that people can still function and go through the motions in life without acknowledging the true, deep-seated emotional problems. He grew emotionally distant and almost robotic over the years. He grew into a compulsive workaholic and always had a million different projects going. I look back now and realise his life became so structured, so regimented. I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but I was (until last year) the only thing in his life that really brought him happiness.. or how he puts it, helped him escape from his 'deep, dark inner turmoil'. I used to joke about how he never showed emotion and how he was really made of steel under his skin. I used to make him look at the lighter side of things and bring him smiles and laughter. I was happy to have had him in my life and felt that his life was better because I was in it to cheer him up.. but over years.. that becomes difficult.. because who was meeting MY needs?Anyway, I recently found out that last year he had an affair and it's absolutely broken my heart. It was sketchy as to what we actually WERE in the end. Best friends that deeply loved each other, but didn't have sex for the past couple of years. I know that's not because he was having an affair all that time.. he grew very distant and kept me at arms length and became more regimented about his life. I sort of feel like I spent years, waiting in the wings.. in limbo.. for him to make a decision that always seemed like it was too hard to make. He could never decide on his future - travelling away with me.. buying a house with me.. moving in with me.. Conversations about our future seemed to always end with me feeling like I'd come up against this brick wall. But I stayed, (my fault I know) because I loved him more than anything. He's seen me through some very difficult times in my life and I had resigned myself to the fact that even if we didn't get married.. he would be a friend for life. It was a unique relationship, but an undeniable bond was there.. and I am a better person because of him.Anyways, the affair he claims was just an emotional one.. and they kissed a couple of times. I know he had been lonely last year while I was busy completing study.. and I couldn't spend much time with him.. and my life was just full. I was taking off in life.. and that year he lost his job after being bullied out. He was at rock bottom and I was becoming a high flyer. Then, there is this girl that's been a friend of his for a long time, that obviously saw he was vulnerable and began contacting him more frequently.. they started meeting up and hanging out and he saw it as a friendship outside of US, but didn't tell me about it because he knew I didn't like him spending time with her. That's because I knew she was in LOVE with him.. so I can't help but be angry about that now!Anyways, as these things happen.. feelings developed between them and towards the end of last year, he put a stop to it turning into anything, telling her he loved me and wanted to make us work. Well, she wouldn't take no for an answer and plagued him to make something happen with the two of them. All this was going on and I was studying and completely oblivious to it all.Of course, this is all HIS explanation of events, but I have to admit, the trust between us is shattered.. and knowing this girl.. meeting her a few times.. now I have nightmares about the two of them being together. How am I supposed to know he never slept with her? I only have his word, and that means nothing now.Anyways, after telling him we're over forever, 2 months later I contacted him to meet up and discuss what happened. I hadn't discussed it with him, as I'd found out through someone else. He had been absolutely distraught, losing me from his life and claims it's his emotional state. He says there's been so many times over the past year he's wanted to burst into tears in front of me and tell me how he's feeling, but he felt he had to be strong and he didn't want to distract me from my qualification since I was doing so well.His depression, which was VERY present in our relationship had grown so much worse.. and I was so busy I never knew. It was the combination of the depression and his job loss. How can you help a guy with depression though when they emotionally shut down and become robotic? I mean, if I'm depressed, I open up about my problems and that only brings us closer.. but you can't deal with a problem that stays hidden!!!I spent last weekend having conversations with him about what happened. A guy that showed no emotion cried for nearly 20 hours worth of conversations. It was a side of him I'd never seen, it was as if a waterfall of emotions was released. It took away all my anger and bitterness about what happened and I feel conflicted about whether to be there for my best friend or under the circumstances, just recommend he see a professional and get help.I went with the latter and have assured him he is a better person for opening up to me about what's happened but that I need time and space to heal. He's pleading with me to take him back so we can work on rebuilding the trust.. but everytime I look at him now I see the person that broke my heart.. and someone I gave so many years to.. while waiting in limbo for a possible future.What are your thoughts? Does he sound genuinely depressed.. and does depression cause a man to fall vulnerable to having an affair.. and how do I know he wouldn't rather be with her? I keep thinking, he went and spent time with her.. if I was the RIGHT girl in his life, he wouldn't of craved anything from her.I'm very confused, but I think I've dealt with the situation as best I can.. given the rollar coaster of emotions I've been through.Thanks in advance.
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affair, best friend, bullied, depressed, his ex, lost his job, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): i read this entire saga, one thing stands out: YOU want this depression be seen seen as an excuse why he had his affair. It is not! in life it is all about choices, and seems like this man has strung you along and this other woman as well. basically he is being fed both sides. he a is selfish sod wha has taken, taken ,taken both from you and this woman. his selfishness is evident in that you are still willing to put your life on hold and even want some (any crumbs) he throws your way. the sad thing is that this man is like aleach, holding you back from finding true love and happiness. he is toxic. he takes. he uses. he conveniently is needy. the even sader thing is: you are so desperate to have him in your life that you will accept the pittance he throws at you/. you both seem complicated. too much of drama. too much of nothingness. when and where will it all end - look into the future, 10 yrs from now this drama will be playing out. is this what you want for yourself? in life we need to make chioces and sometimes no matter how much we love someone we need to let them go - for our own survival.
A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (14 March 2010):
 hi there, firstly im sorry to hear of everything uv been through, it must have been awful.
Im not always a great believer in giving people 2nd chances after an affair, though I admire people who can. however, that is not always the case. It does seem like you two had something very very special. To put it bluntly, anyone can be a manipulative, attractive distraction in a skirt, it takes someone much more special to have the sort of bond and connection you two must have had to get through such a long term, chronic, and yet seemingly invisible illness. depression destroys lives and destroys relationships, thats for sure.
someone who is depressed has absolutely no feelings of self worth, and losing his job must have made this so much worse, so to see you attaining qualifications and doing so well would have just reinforced in his head that he was worthless. so then this woman comes along, giving him attention and the confidence boost he has been lacking, and its like a drug, it becomes addictive, however depression does severely lower your libido so its highly likely he is telling the truth when he says they didnt sleep together, he just craved the emotional and mental high he got from someone finding him attractive and appealing. when someone has a long term illness, a relationship can be become a patient-carer one, which is damaging. its easy to forget you are their girlfriend when you spend all your time looking after them. he might have also felt resentment that maybe he was holding you back in some way from achieving your full potential.
The fact he opened up so much and cried is a massive breakthrough for someone so emotionally closed off.
HOWEVER... to play devils advocate, I also can understand your reservations and your reasons for finding it hard to trust him. also your anger at giving up so much for him, and feeling so betrayed.
My gut feeling is that this relationship has the potential to be incredible. The bond you share is amazing. but you have been let down massively and he needs to recognise tht. my advice from here would be to talk to him again, explain to him more about how you feel, and I do think there is a possibility of it working out for you both. I think you should say to him that there is no chance of getting back together unless he is willing to seek professional help for his depression, because it is very serious and probably much more common than he realises. if he agrees to do that, and if you can, then support him, but make him responsible for his own recovery. he has to show he is willing to try and make things better for himself and for you. I also think if you do decide to give it another go you should make an effort to do bf/gf things, even if its a home cooked meal with candles, or a movie night,just make the effort to look nice for each other, and spend time together as a couple.
see how this goes, and see how you feel, but I really hope you will be able to forgive him, that he goes on to receive help, and tht this relationship becomes what it is capable of.
I wish you the very best of luck xxx
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