A
female
age
,
*qrepg
writes:I've been dating a man for about 2.5 years. I'm living with him as I had to give up my condo to enter alcohol rehab for a month. I maxed out all my credit cards to pay the $12K costs of treatment and am up to my ears in debt. Prior to this treatment, he drove me to a detox facility twice before. I was layed off from my job in Nov '08 and cannot find another one despite the thousands of resumes faxed/emailed.The point I'm coming to is that he stated that he has "taken care of me better than anyone ever has" and that he should be my number one priority. I should be more than happy to clean up after him and his 2 teenagers and that he feels I am ungrateful. He knows I suffer from depression and take meds. I recently went through a several day funk where I just wanted to sleep. He thinks I should try harder to be more upbeat and pleasing. He got me a job through a friend who owns a gas station/convenience store. After two weeks, I was fired and not really given an adequate explanation (I was told the gasoline business and I weren't cut out for each other). Over the couple weeks, the owner had spoken to my "boyfriend" who said to me last night that he feels I deliberately sabotaged the job because I didn't like it. This is after how upset he saw me and how I asked him to try to find out what happened. He said, however, he couldn't remember what this guy told him.I absolutely cannot say anything that might seem bitchy about his kids, unless he's angry at them. It all comes down to the fact that I am living under his roof. I eat very little here, but rather go to my sister and Aunt's home which cannot house me and my cat. My $720. monthly Soc Sec check pays my car payment, insurance and storage.Because he has said bullying things within earshot of the kids, I told him I don't think they have any respect for me. He said that doesn't matter, they're not MY kids.I suppose after he said last night that considering "everything he has done for me", that I should "apologize for my depression" and be "more happy to do things for him", I am now thinking of taking my cat and moving to a shelter.Does anyone out there think I am being selfish and ungrateful? Or feel as he does?? I know there two sides to every story so if there are any questions, I'm happy to answer them AND accept critisism.
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female
reader, Sqrepg +, writes (16 April 2009):
Sqrepg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Flowerbt -Thank you so much for your kindness. I will certainly keep you up to date on progress and may even take you up on the offer of a listening ear - or, and if you'll pardon the expression- "vomit blogging", a term we used to use to describe how people would spill their guts online to total strangers. Ironically enough, here I sit...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I certainly do agree with DrPsych. I think it would help you in your recovery process to get out away from this home. Love is unconditional, he should be glad that he helped you along this far, not expecting something in return for that. I would much rather help someone and see them happy than me be happy. I mentioned shelter, I don't know if they have a program where you are from that helps women with conditions like you, but where I am from they have a program that helps women get on their feet and get a job, and also get the medical treatment you need for your depression. I actually know a lady that was in the same situation that you are in. she went to this program for help and told them that she was ready for a fresh start in her life. She explained how hard it was for her to get jobs and other help and they went right to work on it for her. they provided her with a nice home and a job and she pays about 100.00 a month now for her part of living. they have taught her how to actually get on her feet. they do pay most of her bills but in order for her to get started living on her own she only pays that amount listed above. I know that here this program is located at our local dept of social services. Maybe it would be good for you to look into this. Even if they don't have a program like this, they may have other ways to help you. I wish you all the best in your life. if you ever need to talk i am a good listener. You deserve to have a good life, you have overcome so much. I am so proud of you. You stay strong and stand up tall. I also take med for depression so i know how you feel. Many people don't understand what that truly is but it is very bad if not controlled. I would love to hear about the outcome of this later on down the road. I will keep watching to see if you post a follow up on this. Stand Tall and don't let anyone put you down. Good Luck
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female
reader, Sqrepg +, writes (15 April 2009):
Sqrepg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank DrPsych for her insight. Yes, it is true I will tend to ruminate on the negative, excluding happy positive things. I am afraid I've just had a run of negative things over the past couple of years.
I did not mention before, but should now - I do not want nor ever have wanted, anyone to "take care of me". I was married before, however, I worked and paid half of the bills.
As soon as possible, I will move and this will certainly help in that at the least, I'll no longer feel "indebted" and trapped. I have come to find out that I do not love him. He said he loves me and I'm sure he may think so, but no - love is not that conditional. I should not live in fear of being thrown out if I don't "tow the line".
Thanks all...
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I don't think you should apologise for having clinical depression, it is a medical condition that is out of your control. However, depressed people tend to adopt a way of thinking about things which ruminates over bad events at the virtual exclusion of positive, happy thoughts. Cognitive behavioural therapy is good at fixing these negative ways of thinking.
Some depressed people also develop learned helplessness - 'I cannot fix this situation myself' type thinking which risks over-dependency on others who are willing to step in. It may well be that during your worst moments of depression and addiction that you relied on this man a great deal, and he may well like that fact as it makes him feel important and powerful. Living with depressed people can be exhausting as it is not something with a quick fix and many people don't understand this dreadful illness.
He may have helped you in many ways in the past but I rather think love should be unconditional, don't you? It shouldn't be centred on transactional thinking 'I did this for you, you should do this for me'. I strongly feel that if you left him, then you would increase your personal confidence and you will be able to look at this relationship in a more realistic light. You may have a future relationship with this man, but maybe you will move on with your life without him. I don't believe you can look at the relationship clearly in the midst of depression. I also think that cutting the dependency relations (housing etc) with this man will help you both decide if there is a future for you both once the resentment is out of the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): I wonder what he was expecting when he started helping you out? It's great that he's done those things for you, but not if he was somehow "putting it on your tab" -- that he expected some sort of payback. True acts of friendship don't keep a tally. You do things for people because you hope from your heart that it will help.
You've got a lot on your plate -- addiction and mental health issues are enormously difficult to overcome in the most supportive of environments. He's not providing that. The best thing for your continued progress toward recovery might just well be to leave.
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male
reader, Matt269 +, writes (15 April 2009):
 It's great that he tried to help you find a job and he has done a lot for you. but depression is also very serious. you need to find happiness on your own. honestly i think you both have valid viewpoints. But maybe this means that you just shouldn't be with him right now. perhaps you need to focus more on yourself.you definetly need to sort things out with yourself before you continue to live with him and see him. I have to agree with armymedic, maybe you should consider moving out to work on things for yourself. then perhaps maybe when you really feel ready you could go back with him
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female
reader, Sqrepg +, writes (15 April 2009):
Sqrepg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am rather confused about the reply from "Anonymous". Allow me to clarify - the teenagers are his from a previous marriage. They're not mine. I'm also curious as to how I am "not getting my act together" -hmmmm I've been staying here since I finished treatment in late Nov. He has also not bee supporting me financially in terms of bills, etc. In regard to ArmyMedic's reply, I would very much like to know his ex-wife's version of things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Well, he has helped you, hasn't he? The trouble with making big life mistakes like yours (depression is not a choice, no, but you can choose to drink, to spend more than you earn, how to live etc) is that it makes you vulnerable to other people.It sounds like you owe this guy a lot, but it's difficult to be indebted to someone. You need to work on establishing your own adult presence and your worth as an autonomous individual. But you can only do that when you aren't dependent on others. Let this be an incentive for you to become independent and have your money, your own space etc. They will continue to treat you as they do now otherwise.You are not being selfish for wanting to set yourself up and be respected for who you are, but this is also something you have to earn. I don't think there's an easy way out of this. You have to pay your dues and put in the effort to change your life. But you cannot expect to be rescued and taken care of by others, and yet not be patronized by them. This power imbalance will always exist if you are not contributing equally with the finances, if you are still going on depression benders, still doing substances etc. It's hard, I know. Good Luck.
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I can see both sides to this and I think he is being quite harsh, maybe moving out is a good idea, sort yourself out and then see if you can be bothered going back to him.
It sounds to me like he doesn't understand depression at all and I know it's not nice but he isn't going to understand either. He is set in his ways and will always feel resentful towards you, and yes if he is off at work and you are at home you can understand why he thinks you should do more around the house. But if you worked full time too is he the type of guy who would still expect you to have dinner ready and a spotless house?
Have you found out why his wife left him? Was it because he was a demanding bully who wanted a house wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): okay first of all i dont think u should have to apologize for your depression because u didnt choose to be depressed...no matter what i dont think his kids are going to be nice to u bc when their dad decided to be with you most likely they thought u were tring to replace their mother, which probaby ur not. u said that ur "b/f" told u not to worry about his kids not likeing you bc they are not ur kids, then why is he telling u that u have to to take care of them? to tell u the truth i think all of u need to sit down and have a serious talk. tell him that u are depressed and there are reasons for that. tell him u can just jump from sad to happy just bc he tells u to. things have to change. talk to his kids and tell them u know ur not their mom and u dont intend to replace her but u want to be someone they can consider when they need help or when they need someone to talk to ect... the only way anything will get fixed is if everyone gets their feelings out in the open. someone cant tell what ur feeling if u dont let them know... ( thats what i think)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Wow, he's taken on quite a bit! Frankly, I'm surprised he's still with you since you can't seem to get your act together for your kids. I think he's extended himself well beyond what would be expected of a boyfriend.
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