A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there to all you guys reading this site.Well I have finally realised I have very bad problems with jealousy, possessiveness and self-esteem. I have read on the internet loads of literature on this thing and I have spoken to various people, got advice etc, and I am at the end of my rope. I'm tired of feeling these gut churning negative emotions and not being able to have a grown-up careing and sharing relationship, where mutual trust is a given.So,,I have booked in to see a professional at RELATE and I am feeling pessemistic. People say it doesn't work. Does anyone here have any success stories with coming out the other side of this kind of thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): First off I want to congratulate you that you are putting so much effort into looking for answers to your problem and even seeking professional help to help you understand. Your awareness in all this shows that you yourself may eventually be your own success story. You should feel very proud of yourself.
Well as a survivor myself of many of these problems (jealousy, low self esteem, angry rages, no self control over my anger/emotions) I too sought answers. I never understood why I acted the way I did. I made two important discoveries. One was I discovered that I had been abused most of my life. (emotionally, verbally and physically) The reason that this was such a revelation to me was because, at least in my case, I didn't know I was being abused. I thought that this was how the world was supposed to be. I thought that most parents treated their kids this way. In fact, sometimes I even thought that I was lucky to have the parents I had. As you can see I was very isolated and manipulated. The crazy thing is that I did have friends, but my mother was so controlling and manipulative that she would choose our friends for us by approving or disapproving and controlling how much information we could share or they could share with us. And it was all to benefit her really and keep us in captivation and blind to how sick she was.
Anyway, so as I got older I discovered I had been abused and I also discovered that my inappropriate behavior was a combination of learned behavior and a combination of ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder from the trauma's I endured from growing up in that household in what was a very very chaotic environment). I would have these terrible anxiety attacks and I didn't know where they were coming from. The doctors wanted to medicate me and I didn't even know what was wrong with me.
And as I got older and became independent I started coming into lots of problems in relationships, work, friends, myself, my self esteem. One time I even hit my boyfriend because I thought that was acceptable. I saw my mother hit me, throw things at me, put me down, cross unspeakable boundaries and so I carried on this mentality into my life as an independent adult. But my behavior was only creating problems for me. I lost my boyfriend, I lost friends, I burned bridges at work. I learned the hard way that something was really wrong with me. That I wasn't dealing with things the right way.
As I got older I became more reflective, realising I had a problem, seeking answers. And with the way my life unfolded coupled with my desire to learn what had happened to me as a child/teen, all the answers came to me. I realised why I was the way I was. I was abused and violated by the very people who were supposed to care for me and protect me. I knew that I had no fault in it. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. To this day my parents/family try to guilt me into believing that I am an unworthy person, that I deserve the worst. I don't speak to them much.
The greatest thing of all is being out of that chaotic environment and surrounding myself with great people, have a great support system and great friends who love me and don't think I am worthless. Think I am wonderful.
It is , however, a daily struggle. Having been abused and still recovering (it is a long recovery) requires me to know myself really well. There are certain things/environments/situations/people that trigger negative reactions in me. Nowehere near to the extent it was before though. I no longer am a rabid, aimless angry person with no self esteem, basically an extension of who my parents are. I am just the opposite. I am happy, I am sweet, greatful, thankful for what I have. I no longer have anger problems. I do get angry (who doesn't?) but not to the extent as before. I am alot more confident, calm, self sufficient and independent as a woman. Not possessive or anything. But I do have to be aware that I have a higher sensitivity level to certain triggers. And the better I know myself and my limits, the better I function. Because since I know myself and know what I have been through, I can actually control who I talk to, where I go, what environment I am exposed to in the way that works best for me. And knowing myself and knowing what I have been through and knowing my limits has helped me function much better in life.
Because I am a human being, I am an individual. And my boundaries were violated most of my life. I was abused. I was hit. I was mistreated. I was pushed around. So since my boundaries were violated, I violated other people's boundaries thinking it was normal. If you find yourself being jealous and possessive, you yourself are violating other people's boundaries. Nobody deserves to be controlled or manipulated in any way. Perhaps you learned this behavior at home. Perhaps your story is similar to mine and are yet to find out more as to why you behave this way.
Finding answers is a very therapeutic thing. So I encourage you to keep searching. It will only benefit you. Knowing why you are the way you are is the first step to healing. And then after that it is up to you to surround yourself with positive people and positive perspectives while at the same time avoiding the negative (even if that means cutting contact with family or so called friends who aren't benefitting your cause, who may only bring you down.)
I wish you all the best. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Who has said that Relate doesn't work? Do they mean Relate in general, or as a source of help for issues such as self-esteem? Plenty of people have benefited from professional counselling, so keep an open/positive mind - all the help in world won't work otherwise!
Do you feel that you suffer from these insecurities based on consistent behaviour or just one - perhaps recent - breakup? The reason I ask is that moderately low self-esteem can be magnified in a relationship with someone who gives them genuine cause to be concerned. As the saying goes, "just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not after you". When that relationship ends, the person with least self-esteem takes on all the blame themself.
It's just a point to consider, based on personal experience.
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