A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have some advice on how to guide someone through the process of learning how to compromise/share in a relationship? I’ve been dating my bf for 2.5yrs now, and he’s wonderful. I care about him deeply, and I know I’m important to him, and I want for things to work out b/w us, but I don’t know what, if anything, I can do to facilitate that. He is incredibly immature, in life and in love. He’s 26 (I’m 27), and I’m his first gf. Sometimes I feel like he means well, but he just doesn’t get it.If things b/w us are ever going to go anywhere, I’m going to need for him to realize that part of being in a relationship is accepting that you don’t have to *win* every battle. Indeed, that not everything is a battle to be won or lost. He’s so afraid of being *controlled*, of losing (himself maybe?). It’s been this way since we started dating, but it tends to improve/worsen depending on what else is going on in his life. Every now and then, I’ll feel like he’s really right on the verge of growing up, and he’ll talk for a while in terms that sound like he’s thinking outside himself and surrendering a little bit. But then I lose him again.I can’t just *tell* him this, but the way I see it, when we disagree on things, we aren’t supposed to just discuss it to see who’s objectively right (or wrong) and then go with that – instead, we’re supposed to talk about it, and figure out where each of us is coming from – try to understand why it matters to each of us, and at some point, we compromise. And I don’t believe that compromise means everything is split 50-50; I think it means sometimes 90-10 and sometimes 10-90. And I think most people in long-term, committed relationships tend to agree with this, more or less. I don’t want to lecture him or push him, but I feel like there’s this maturing that he needs to do, or we are going to fall apart, very soon, b/c I’m nearing the end of what I can take. I can be patient, but other than that, is there something I can do to help him through this process? I’m sure it’s scary for him . . . I don’t know how to help him with that, if I can at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): I think you should consider calling in a professional relationship counselor but I am not sure how effective that will be. Something has made him this way-it could be the way he was raised-it could be he's just not mature enough to handle an adult relationship. He could get there, and he may never get there. Are you willing to wait a few years or accept this may not happen? You can't motivate him to grow and change, hun. He has to motivate himself..and be open to learning the process of compromise. And if he doesn't want to meet you halfway, and is stubborn in his way of thinking, your relationship may not make it. You need to talk to him without any blame, yelling or getting upset. This takes strength and maturity. Take a deep breath, muster up some personal courage, sit him down and calmly, lovingly, quietly tell him the following:
"I love you very much. I have been trying to get you to understand that a healthy, love relationship requires compromise. I am really, really worried about where we are headed in this relationship. I have working so hard to help us, get along better, to talk and to be more agreeable with each other. But it's not working. I've been doing this for one reason and that is: to try and save our relationship. Now I realize I was perhaps wrong, to try and change you. You have the right to conduct a relationship in any way you see fit, but then again...so do I. I am not saying my way of doing things is better or worse..I am saying that my way is just different. But let me say, I want someone in my life, who shares my vision of love..this is very important to me. I want our relationship to grow and change into something more loving and intimate, as time goes on. I want to have that type of relationship with you...tell me what you think?"
Then sit back and listen. After hearing you say this he may realize it's time to change and learn more about compromise and love you enough to want this too. Or he may not. It's a risk you take. However this turns out, you will come to realize that that it's time for you to find a new path in your life, be it with him or without him. If he does see your reasoning and makes changes to mature and grow, then great but if he doesn't, you will feel sad, because that will mean.. you will have to go to save your sanity. But either way, in time you will experience the type of relationship you truely deserve, with him or with someone else, who is more your match in relationship values. But you need to understand one thing...sometimes we meet people in our life who are capable of loving us in the way we want to be loved. And it's not that they aren't trying it's just that they aren't seeing the problems from a mature view. It soulnds like you both don't share the same emotional compatibility. He may get there...are you willing to wait around? It's a bittersweet, tough decision. I wish you the best
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