A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just ended a my 2 year relationship with my 36 year old boyfriend and feel very confused right now. We were in a long distance relationship. I felt he was the love of my life - he was so attentive, generous and welcomed me into his family with open arms which I had never experienced with a man before. However, we had problems sexually and had only managed to have sex once in 2 years. Whilst he reassured me to start with that we would get over this problem, eventually he was rarely getting anywhere near me. Towards the end he wouldn't want to spend any time alone with me. There always had to be family or friends around which I could not understand. He hasn't been over my house since February or stayed over my house since Christmas. The whole relationship was becoming unbalanced to the point that I was only seeing him when it was one of his family functions. Yet, I was still going with him to all the family functions which I was happy to do because I loved him and his family, but because I was never seeing him alone I felt like I was just being wheeled out in front of his family for appearances sake.I could sometimes not see him for a month because he had appointments but rather than tell me he had them (because he didn't want to me upset me) he would just leave me hanging as to when I would next see him which left me feeling deeply frustrated. The last time I saw him I asked him if I could see him at the weekend, however he simply wouldn't commit so I started wondering if there was someone else. I just couldn't deal with the rejection anymore. In the end I had to text him to say it was over because he would rarely pick up the phone despite me leaving a message for him to call me. I thought of every reason why he is being like this (depression, tiredness, an affair, commitment phobia) but have come to no conclusion. Only he knows. Yet, despite me trying desperately to get some sort of answer out of him he just says he feels overworked. He was, at times, working 18 hours a day because he wanted us to move in together but then bought himself a new car and was pushing me away which gave me very mixed messages! I thought maybe he is having an affair but if he is none of his friends and family know about it.For the second time I have found myself at the end of a relationship without the guy having the decency to tell me what was going on with them. I really felt like I was forced into a corner by him to end this relationship. I couldn't see there was any alternative if he wouldn't talk. I do think I am at least owed the decency of an explanation. Does anyone have any clues as to what was going on with him because I feel totally lost and just want some closure?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2009):
 It sounds like a 'fade away' ending. In short, he didn't want to hurt you or look like the bad guy, so he 'adjusted' his behaviour, so that it became odd and bizarre in the hope that you would end things. The sex thing was probably your first red flag. He had built up your hopes and dashed them without you really knowing what was happening.
What ever his reason for wanting things to be over between you two, he obviously wasn't prepared to own up to it.
I know your upset, but try not to let it get to you.
I have been through something similar myself recently...and I have decided that it wasn't my fault.
Give yourself some time to rebalance. Don't contact him as I doubt it will help, just use the experience to strengthen your knowledge about relationships...I doubt you will fall for the same situation again.
Sending you a big hug and hope for the future xxx
Aunty Em xx
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