A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a few questions:Whenever we argue, my boyfriend refuses to make up. When I offer affection, he refuses it. He says that offering affection doesn't change anything and in fact makes him angry because it's a sham - i.e., affection doesn't FIX anything. I thought other couples "make up" after arguments, but he says that the only way I can ever make up to him is to return the time we spent arguing. If we spent 3 hours arguing, then I owe him 3 hours, in either chores or sexual favours. Is this normal? It makes me feel that I'm not loved after arguments because he refuses to offer me any love. He says that if he offers affection or any positive statement/gesture, he's only giving me positive feedback for my negative behavior (starting an argument) so he will not.... he'd rather be cold and distant until I make up the lost time. Is it crazy of me to stop him from leaving? He tried to leave and I tried hugging him to stop, but he said I was physically assaulting him and threatened to phone the police. He then said I was crazy. Is it crazy to do this? He is very insistent that I am crazy because I've tried to stop him from leaving. Are arguments only one-sided? He says that I start them, and I continue them, and he has no choice but to listen. So, that's why they're entirely my fault and that's why I owe him time in exchange. Finally, he says that I'm a very angry person and needs to see a psychologist about it. He says that I get angry over every little thing and that I have severe anger problems. I suggested that there's things about him that I don't like either, but he says that the changes required of him are so minor relative to my (major) problems that it's irrelevant. It's more productive if I change my problems (anger). Does all of this sound reasonable? I no longer know what's right or not. He has a way of twisting things so I feel like everything that's wrong with the relationship is my fault. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 so if you fight you owe him chores or sexual favors?
what does he owe you? what happens if you refuse to fight.
sorry not normal sane or rational in my book
my bf and I are very volatile. we fight... HARD... he's asked me to get private counseling and is going to get some himself AND we are going to find a couples counselor so we can work on our communication issues.. we have different styles.
personally if it was me, I'd get all passive aggressive on his ass and refuse to fight with him. I'd be all sweetness and light and I'd agree with everything he says and if he tries to start a fight I'd leave.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Hugging is physical assault? What planet did he grow up on? His parents must have been very unloving, because this isn't normal behaviour.
I think you will be much happier in a relationship with a man who knows how to behave like a human, and not try to be a robot who can't tolerate a hug and have no feelings and only measures things in time spent here and there.
He's got issues, and it's not you.
Arguments are NEVER one sided. He owes you 3 hours of whatever you wish to if you're supposed to "pay him back". Sheez, a relationship isn't a business corporation, and time isn't money! An argument has a purpose, to sort out difficulties and problems, to make people understand each other and they will also bond through it. He on the other hand takes himself out of the equation and refuses to let an argument be anything but a negative inflicted upon him by a second party...
Why, he thinks that if you don't argue there are no problems? That's called brushing things under the carpet, and also creating a ticking bomb. This man is delusional. Please, leave him and get a better life.
Don't pay attention to HIM right now, but ask yourself, do you have an anger problem? If you think you have, and would like to change, work on that for your own sake. But you need to leave him, as he doesn't respect you, and you will never feel loved by him. The situation will only get worse, and he'll never appreciate any improvements you make as he sees himself as flawless.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Rather than argue about all this, why not get yourself into counseling and find out? Get him into it too, try individual counseling for yourself and couples' counseling for you two together. From what you've written, you need an outside mediator to help you past this hurdle you each have built into your relationship.
It's ridiculous to say you "owe" him time. It's also ridiculous to attempt to physically restrain someone. You both have things to work on, even if he doesn't think he needs to do anything, you go on ahead and start up your own counseling, so you can understand how your expectations and behavior may be affecting how you are treated by him.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (7 June 2011):
This man seems to have complete control over you. Moreover his behaviour is completely unreasonable. I for one do not think his behaviour is normal. "Making up time" by chores or sexual favours is humiliating and disgusting.
Don't let your bf treat you like this. He is completely disrespectful. In your turn you are allowing him to get away with this sort of behaviour because you put up with it.
Leave him and find someone who treats you with respect.
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A
female
reader, zebralove +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Ooook I don't think you guys have a healthy relationship and hes mentaly abusing you. You are NOT crazy. He has anger problemes I think. Arguments are NOT one sisded, you cant argue with yourself. I'm sorry for being blunt but I realy think that you should leave him, he is playing mind games with you to make you feel as tho you dont deserve better. You deserve someone who will be caring and understanding.
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A
female
reader, jul1993 +, writes (7 June 2011):
No! That is not normal! How dare he even suggest that you have to pay back the time you spent argueing with sexual favours or chores, he has no right. It takes two to argue so my question is do you get the time back? does he pay you back your time with sexual favours and a house hand? my guess is no.
Secondly I understand completely why you tried to stop him from leaving, when you love someone you try everything in your power to stop them from going. You seem to be such a lovely person and this man is taking advantage of your kindness. Like I said, it takes two to tango its as much his fault. You need to have a good long hard think about how everything is going then talk it through with him, because you cant go on with him mentally ruining you. I'm not saying to leave him that's entirely your choice. But don't stand for this.
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