A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles.My problem relates to my boyfriend of 4 years as we had a bit of a disagreement earlier today. Basically, he is good friends with my best friend's boyfriend. They have just moved in together, whereas me and my bf still live in our own homes. We have been discussing moving in though.Both my bf and his friend work late on a Monday, so they have taken to going out on Sunday nights together and drinking till late. This has never been an issue for me or my friend because we have been in our own homes, but now she is having real issues because he is coming back drunk very late at night/early in the morning and she has to be up for work at 6am (as do I).She asked her boyfriend if he could either , or if not drink less (to avoid the noise he makes stumbling about the house drunk) or get back earlier as it's waking her up the night before work. He thinks she's being ridiculous and making a big deal out of nothing.The problem is, my boyfriend agrees with him. He doesn't think she has any right to ask him to do any of those things as he's a grown man and can do what he wants. Which of course is true, but is it too much to ask for a bit of consideration since he knows she's getting up early?I asked my boyfriend if I were to move in with him, would he continue to go out until the early hours on work nights (he starts at 4pm every day, I start at 8am) and he said he would continue to do exactly as he does now as it's his 'right'. Apparently the fact I have work isn't considered at all and I'll just need to suck it up.This has really affected my opinion of him and us. I mean I'm not asking him to stop going out with his friends, but at least consider how his actions would affect me if we were living together. He seems to be acting like I'd be controlling him, when all I'm looking for is some compromise since both of us have rights not just him.What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): Thanks everyone, that's really helpful.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Well, he has the right to do as he pleases, and SHE has the right to ask him to be considerate.
I don't think what she is asking is too much, and I find it rather sad and immature that BOTH lads see it as "offensive" for her to WANT to sleep because she has to get up early. The other BF can't even compromise and sleep on the couch if he comes in late? I mean seriously? No respect.
But look a the silver lining here. YOU now know your BF's attitude. You know that if you two lived together he would give two farts rubbed together about your sleep or how you might feel. THAT is a good thing (for you) because it gives you an insight into your BF you otherwise didn't have. And it also gives you and idea of what your future might be WITH this guy. Now this is just ONE small(ish) issue, but if this is how they deal with that it's kind of telling how they overall think of others.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Your boyfriend and his friend either are very dumb, or are playing dumb. You don't need to be a French philosopher to have heard , or to understand, the concept of : " my liberty ends exactly where the other person's liberty begins ".
In a civil society, and in a civil cohabitation, my liberty cannot be the liberty to harm and damage you.
Of course I am free to play drums if I want ! - just, not in the middle of the night on the doorstep of a sick person maybe ?...
I'd think this is self evident ?... yeah, on second thought, they aren't really that dumb, they get the concept, they just don't give a f..k about anything else than their beastly convenience and comfort.
I think you are being very smart to LET his attitue influence your views of him, - or of him and you together . Maybe these views were too rosy -tinted until now, because they had not really been challenged yet.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 April 2014):
 The perfect solution would be for your 2 boyfriends to share a flat and you 2 girls to share instead.
Neither of the lads sound ready to compromise or consider a partners needs, whereas you 2 girls 'are' ready.
Is he really for you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Of course your friend's boyfriend has the right to go out and get drunk and be inconsiderate, and his friend, your boyfriend, has the right to back him up.
Your girlfriend also has rights. She can tell her boyfriend she is not happy with his attitude or his disrepecting her very reasonable request, and she has the right to tell him either shape up or ship out.
If her boyfriend wont shape up or ship out persists in saying he is an adult and therefore has the right to do as he wishes, she is an adult with equal rights, she can cut the crotch out of all his jocks (pants whatever) and leave.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Relationships are about compromise. When you live with someone BOTH parties have to compromised and adapt they way they behave in order to create a new life together, and that includes being considerate of the other persons basic needs such as sleep and work.
He is not ready to live with anyone. He is far too selfish and I suspect if you did live with him you would end up running about after him doing all the housework and essentially being his mother.
Perhaps this man is not the one for you?
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