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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Everybody always says cheaters are cheaters and will cheat on everybody they are with. Like it's gospel.So if you are with a man who has cheated on a partner in the past, it seems to be guaranteed he will do the same to you. Is this right?Also I have heard that when a man is cheating on a partner he does it for sex and fun and never develops feelings for a person he is cheating with. And that he is probably cheating with all kinds of people at once because that seems to be what all cheaters do.Can anyone provide some genuine insight about cheaters?Let's say he is cheating on his partner and with you, does that mean first, he has no feelings at all for you and does that mean you are just a play toy and one of many? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (9 January 2016):
 I've known, hung around and met lot of men who were cheaters, and none of them had any feelings for the woman they cheated with, although they cared about the woman on whom they cheated. They had sort of a culture amongst each other that it is important to "get some" as much as possible before they "get old". The only thing they cared about was for their wives never to find out that they are cheating because they did not want to wreck their marriage. So they were actively looking to "score" and when a woman made her self available they would delightfully do her, and had zero feelings for her. In fact, many of them found such women off limits, as something they would never, ever marry.
Then there are other sort of cheaters who will cheat only if it's an "upgrade" meaning if the woman they end up doing looks hotter then his wife. Obviously, they didn't cheat as much but these cared even less for the woman they cheated with because she could jeopardize their marriage and they loose a hot wife.
There are other cheaters who have a compulsion or fantasize too much thinking that what's in their mind can be recreated in reality. These cheaters either mingle from one woman to the next, irrespective of the looks, and since reality is different then fantasy or their compulsion, they are never satisfied.
Granted there might be cheating men who may get swayed into that because the woman they are cheating with is better quality then the one they are with but I think - experience talking here - those situations seem less frequent. Only a small, tiny fraction of cheating men actually leave their wife to be with the woman they cheated with.
Finally, there are men who have cheated and realized that it is not what they want in life so they change and stop.
So there is no one set criteria that applies among cheating men although the most prevalent characteristic is that they absolutely don't care about the woman they are cheating with, and most often then not, would find her unqualified to be his life companion precisely because she is with a cheater.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): A cheater first and foremost cheats himself. Some cheat themselves into believing what they are doing is fine as long as "x" line is not crossed, they justify it and still others are incapable of being honest even with themselves. Cheaters are selfish and don't think about anyone else but themselves. Cheaters may have feelings for the other person. But so what? Those feelings aren't enough to legitimize the relation.Coming to the saying "once a cheater,always a cheater" I've started looking at this in new light. It may not always mean a cheater can't ever change but to the person who has been cheated, the cheater always is qualified by that description.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie.
'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is no more factual a statement than is 'once fat, always fat' or 'once a smoker, always a smoker'.
Men and women cheat for a variety of reasons. Some have one night stands because they want the variety, the excitement and thrill of doing something forbidden, or maybe they were drunk. For others what once was a platonic friendship develops into more and they eventually succumb to temptation. For others still, they're in a difficult marriage and want out but fear the cost (letting family down, hostile and expensive child custody battles they might lose, fear of assault or other reprisal, guilt for not wanting to be with someone who isn't a good spouse but not so bad as to be condemned by society to name a few reasons). Sometimes it's to get back at a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife who cheated on them first. In some cases a man or woman is lonely and exhausted looking after a terminally ill partner and craves companionship and intimacy.
The list of reasons, or excuses depending on your view, goes on.
Many men and women in affairs do indeed have very strong feelings for the person they're cheating with. A lot of them have written in to us. They know what they're doing is wrong but find it impossible to choose one or the other.
Other times the person they're cheating with is just a warm body on the side.
There isn't ONE cheater profile that describes the method, motivation or morals of all.
You'd have to examine the facts of each situation on a case by case basis.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 January 2016):
 Think of it this way. When a guy is NOT a cheater.... and sez that he loves you and wants to be with you.... he writes those words on a clay tablet, and heats it (the tablet) in his kiln.... and it's forever......
When he IS a cheater.... he sez he loves you, and wants to be with you.... and he writes those words on a damp sheet of toilet paper... and keeps it next to his commode.... so that he can toss it in and flush it, in the event that some cute thing comes along, gives him some attention... and he can get s*x from her....
THAT is the difference....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 It can be hard to trust someone who cheats on there partner. For argument sake, lets say you where seeing a man who was taking. You may start developing feelings for him, which is tough, but then also you made the decision to start an affair with a guy who was already taking.
I often see that with men who cheat they will feed there mistress what she wants to hear in order to keep them sweet, however when it comes a time that they want more, they will back off, as in most cases the man just wants fun outside of his relationship, yet its his partner he goes home to at night and lives his life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I don't think there are a predetermined set of "rules" for cheaters that they ALL follow... If there were, we could all avoid ever being with a cheater easily.
I do think many people who justify cheating, think more of themselves and what THEY want, than how it affects their partners and even what their partners want.
Some are just not capable of keeping reality and fiction separated. And with that I mean, the lies they tell the "mistress", the OW, the OM in order for the OW/OM to continue the relationship. I think some of them seriously start to believe that they "love" this new person, because they get a little "high" out of the affair - that is UNTIL this OW/OM starts to make demands for more time together, to be exclusive, to be together. Then the fantasy crashes down and discover that the grass isn't greener.
Do cheaters ALWAYS cheat with multiple people, you ask? I doubt that. I don't think there are many people who can juggle SEVERAL OW/OM and a long term partner/spouse. AT least not without making mistakes and getting caught. But I do think the more OW/OM someone CHOOSES to juggle... the less likely is it that they actually give a crap about the individual person. While I DO think a person can CARE for more than one person at a time, I think when someone CHOOSES to cheat, they also CHOOSE to not put the needs of others before their own. They rather juggle 2 people than figure out how to make it work with 1.
Instead of thinking about whether HE cares for you (given the example you give, and I quote you:)
**Let's say he is cheating on his partner and with you, does that mean first, he has no feelings at all for you ***
I have to ask YOU, why would you SETTLE for 1/3 of a relationship? 1/3 of a man, really. To be one of several?
You may feel like he is giving you ALL you want/need, but then... how about holidays, would he be there by your side night and day of you got sick? would he shout his love for you from the roof-tops? Tell his family? All his friends? Would he INCLUDE you in HIS life? Introduce you to his children? The things and people that REALLY matter to him?
Answer me this, WHAT do you get out of it? You are with a man who LIES to you, to keep the peace and you to stick around, he LIES to his other partner(s), he doesn't GIVE himself fully to any of you.
My guess is you are hoping to figure out if he REALLY cares for you, if he cheats. I think a person CAN care and still cheat, but.... I think they care FAR more about themselves than you.
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