A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:Hello, i'm older male that is wanting to know about something that happened yrs ago. I recently caught my wife in a terrible lie! When my naive gf went upstairs with a guy at a party to talk she told me that they made out, he touched her bare tits, he touched her crotch, and pulled her shorts and panties down to a few inches above her knees. He touched and fingered her vagina. They were both pretty drunk. She said everything happened so fast, that he was "there" and the next step would have been doing it. I accused her of doing him and she said she kept her legs tight together and that he tried to screw her and his penis touched her a little bit above her vagina,and not against her opening. She told him "I can't do this and pushed him away. He stopped trying and asked if she was a virgin. I would like to know if you females, especially, think this really happened. This was detailed and shocking to me as I've always been told I was the only man to have been inside her, including hands and penis. She lied to me so much about this previously saying he only touched her tits and nothing else. I bluffed her telling her I talked to the guy and she told me about 5 minutes later! She won't admit to screwing him. Did she? His penis was right "there" !! We have been married for years. Anything else I can say to her? I must know! thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, I would like to followup a bit.The original story my wife told me was true! She was able to stop him at the last moment! We have gone to therapy and are doing great. Although I am not obsessing about it now, I would only like to add a few more comments: I was obsessed with this event because I simply could not believe it. She knew it would hurt me and I would think the worse, and the fact that she loved me and did'nt want to lose me. Truthfully, I am glad it's now over. We really are still in love after all these years and actually, I love her even more because she chose to stop him! He even told her that I was one lucky guy! So, thankyou all, remember to not take the people you love for granted. I did and couldn't even give her the benefit of the doubt. We are so much in love! Thanks again.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Thank you for the update.. I did't read the aunts answers, just read your question and fed back to late..
Yos is our highly regarded uncle on this question.. yes, you feel hurt and betrayed.. that's emotion, but with your logical mind and your heart full of love you can overcome..
We like happy stories of loving couples here at Dear Cupid.. temember we are only here because our heart hurt and we was looki9ng for advice...
I tell you again.. and the experience I've shared was once shamefull to me.. but here at dear cupid, like yos and the others, I can share me experiences proudly, to solve your problems and my shame of the past is gone...
I know how your wife felt, mine were just kisses, and your wife is a woman of honour, and she fought (like punching mush) just as hard as she could... She did not have sex with anyone, but to leave herself so vunerable has been hard enough to bear,,,,
Thank you dear husband for working through this with her.. I know fron Yos how difficult this is.. but in the end, when your life is nearly over, you'll picture her with smiles, with food and a loving hand.... you won't remember this current difficulty... You might even see her nude and doing some sexy thing, but this pain, this misunderstanding.. when you take your last breathe, this won't even be a memory, but her eyes and her hand on you will give you peace and confidence, to walk through this world and the next, with her by your side for ever.... to death do you part, or in this world and the next..
Thank you for writing Dear Cupid, thanks for trying to understand the woman without the harsh words that sometimes come.. thank you for believing in love and happiness and discarding the harsh words and judgements that rule our head and make us throw away special things..
Respect dear husband, regards to your wife.. in 20years or more, this will be as important as who forgot to order tomorrows milk......lol.... hahahahaha
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reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
lol.. with me, it was forced kisses and hands that hurt and gropped.. enough for me to learn that when you are drunk, some men can become beasts...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
Yo.. it's me number one man pig (wave)
Yep, it's the drink dear poster, makes us women vunerable and then men with no manners attack... suffered such assults when I was a teenager.. I experienced everything you woman suffered, and she would have been fighting to stop the sex, even while the alcohol turned her brains, her legs and arms into fuzzy mush...
Yes, she would have hidden the details from you, she would have hidden the details of this cowardly attack from herself. I have had to fight men off when I was drunk and vunerable, and I have seen women raped, indeed gang raped when they are in this position.
I have no reason to doubt her, I have been there myself. Her downfall was the drink, which stole away her power and made her less able to defend herself.. She did not enter into sexual activity voluntary.. She got drunk, and some low down coward noticed and tried to force her..
TELL HER TO STOP DRINKING... especially if she ends up in the company of men with no honour... I believe her, it's happened to me, and I seen it happen badly (gang rape) for other women..
A memory.. I like clubing, and was abroad.. me and me freind went out... this drunk woman had this guy all over her.. she was white and drunk, he was black and sober... I could see rape all over the situation... luckily his friend was a gentleman, we talked to him and remind him of honor and the self-pride and respect of doing the right thing and being a gentleman.. He challenged his friend, he bacame the woman's protector.. he and his friend took this woman home, and I'm sure that she was safe and wasn't assaulted..
WOMEN WHO DRINK AND GET LEGLESS, PUT THEMSELF AT RISK OF RAPE AND TORTURE... Believe your woman and work on stopping her from drinking so much or never leave her so vunerable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, I'm all set for marriage counciling next week. My wife will go later and also both of us together at another time. I have read the retrograde jealousy info and have been helped by this. Yos and others know how to give great comfort and healing to a problem. My mantra is simple! She loves me, she has always loved me, I love her and I cherish her. I pray that we can be as happy as we were. Please flag this to hear about my complete healing on this. I can't thank you all enough for your help. I really was letting it destroy us both! I will update when I can. Thanks so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): "I also know it is my problem, not hers"
No that is wrong.
It's not your problem that she lied to you about something that caused you deep moral concerns and loss of trust. Don't let this situation get twisted around and blame yourself.
She created this situation by lying. That means she is to blame for all the problems you might have with it later on. That is perfectly fair.
It's great that you want to deal with this as best you can for both of you. But I am just saying don't start blaming yourself for the base of this. The truth is you don't owe her any acceptance for anything if you don't really feel that way deep down inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSpeaking to her sister helped me a lot. I never asked her if the guy had penetrated my wife. She volunteered that my wife had told me the truth about that. If I knew either way, if she did or not, I would continue to love her. I believe that the reason I was so let down about this is I was intially lied to, lie was updated with a little more info 3 years ago, and then everything dumped on me in a matter of minutes last week. Well, I guess I just had to know!!! I know it will not make any difference wheather I know she did have sex or not. She knows I love her! So, where do I go from here? I realize I am never going to know for sure. I responded to a lie and felt betrayed. I surely love her despite what has happened. Also, I know it is my problem, not hers. I did'nt recognize myself as a tyrant. Thankyou all so much! I love her so much!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionauntypoppy, I think you are right that she didn't want to disapoint me. She always said one of the reasons we fell in love was that our values and morals were the same. We were lucky to find each other when we did, and it was really a neat love story! Soul4Real, Yes absolutely I have made us both sick over this. I could never break up with her, not even a thought, I love her too much! Quiet-echo, for whatever reason she wasn't honest, I had nothing to do with that decision. Yes, I have created a very stressful environment, but it was my response to her telling me this story after 39 years! To say I was shocked doesn't cover it. I feel that as much as we love each other I just wasn't worthy of the truth. Yes, I did realize I was the one ruining the marriage. It was my reaction and response to a lie that started this. "now you have put so much pressure on her", I do believe I have caused this to happen. More coming
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I understand that it hurts when your lied to expeshally when it seems obvious to tell the truth, but I have to ask, in this situation, does it really matter so much? Have you thought that maybe she was ashamed of this entire episode? From your post you seem to place alot of importance on being the one and only man, maybe she did lie, I cudnt tell you coz I wasnt there, but perhaps if you a her first maybe she just didnt want to disapoint you. Im not sure what ssues we have here , religious ect, but really is it worth causing an argument over something that happened that long ago? remember she chose you and agreed to marry you, surely that counts for something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, just a little followup. Last week we talked about this every other night. Some more info is that I was out of the country for 7 months[war} and that's why I had no say about her attending the party . All comments have given me a little insight, thanks. When I told her the guy had said he had done her, she denyed it repeatedly and then said she didn't remember him inside her but maybe he possibly did get inside. She said that a couple times! She was under huge pressure from me. Still denyed it though. The next night I asked her if we could agree that it was possible he was inside her and she said no way! Friday I had a big melt down and said that she was ruining our marriage by not being honest about this. Also talked saturday. Sunday we talked about not wanting this to end our marriage, talking about our whole lives together going thru a couple events ,{cutting her cousin down from the rafters and trying to save him,] our daughter on drugs at one time, some ongoing problems with our son. And all the many good times too. I told her if we went to a marriage counciler that I would just be told that it was a long time ago, we had a good life, and to forgive her. Still, the issue of truth comes in for me. We decided that she and I would both tell our complete stories to her sister, [who knows only a little about it.} I know her very well, she and my wife are very close. Trust me I can say anything to her, and I will. I don't know if she can help. If not I guess we will go for counciling. Do you have anything I might say or ask? Trust and truth is everything to me. Also I hate the tremendous pressure I've put on my wife. I simply want to know if this guy got his penis in my girlfriend for one second. Sorry so long, does anyone else feel anything like I do? I sure couldn't live in todays dating world! Thanks so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I agree with the other anonymous male posting on July 30.
If you were the one who did what she has admitted to doing, you would not have been cut any slack like these answers are giving your wife now. You would have been called a liar and a cheat. They would say you were responsible for your own actions so stop the lying and excuses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): I would forgive your wife for this. I don't think they had sex. She lied to you because she knew you would be upset. Think about it. Put yourself in her shoes. She was also drunk and that definatley effects peoples judgement. As long as she hasn't cheated on you recently, I would forgive and forget.
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reader, rivi +, writes (31 July 2010):
You must be mad to be giving yourself - and her - grief over something that happened BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED.
Even if he managed to penetrate her and have full sexual intercourse with her IT WAS BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED.
The only thing you would have a right to get uptight about would be if she did sex with another guy SINCE AFTER THE MARRIAGE.
Otherwise apologize for making such a fuss, totally forget about it, and enjoy more years of marriage and sex with your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): she lied to you is all that matters. She is a cheater and a liar. thats something you need to sleep on. I think its rediculous that people are defending her. If it was a case of a roofie she probably would have blacked out or had a veryyyyy fuzzy memory. It sounds like she got drunk and cheated. If you posted about how you got drunk and had a girl touch your penis youd get torn apart here. dont let there be double standards. what she did was bad and its up to you if you want to accept it or move on with out her. No exscuses from her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANKS, yes she was my girlfriend and we were committed to each other and in love. She was young . I have never cheated on her! I simply could not have lived with myself! She has never done anything else. She had told the same story for 3 1/2 years that they madeout, he touched her briefly and she grabbed his hand when telling no(this was all untrue too.) I felt in my heart that there was more to the story and I was always asking the same questions and getting the same answers. When I told her I contacted him she told me a 1 minute. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would think he did her. Yes, that's right! We are at: right above her vagina or right in her. Not too far a difference at this point. I actually think I could get some closure if she honestly told me the worse. Trouble is, I don't believe her on this now except the juicy facts. This event happened years ago and she never told me any truth.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 July 2010):
 You know what? It could have happened that way. Women who get really drunk at parties have problems like this when they get alone with a sexually aggressive man. The guy could have been fondling her and she was out of it enough not to know what to do. Even if you AREN'T drunk, you can have sexually aggressive men try their luck by groping, fondling, exposing themselves. It happens all the time.
Guys who would never dream of doing anything remotely like that cannot believe that women allow themselves to be vulnerable to men like the one she described. I remember one incident when I was in my 20s, a guy I worked with who was a physician, told me he thought I had scoliosis and proceeded to feel me up until I realized what he was doing. I was so shocked that I couldn't comprehend it at first. I know I should have run and told on him but I was scared, feeling really silly and stupid for believing him. Not to mention, I wanted to keep my job, I was the lowly employee there, this guy was one of the doctors, for heaven's sake. There have been other instances of overly aggressive men on dates, who don't realize that 'no' doesn't mean 'maybe, if you keep trying.'
Was this naive gf your girl at the time? Had you committed to being with her to the exclusion of all others? Were you faithful to her?
Yes, what she said could have happened. I wonder why you cannot give her the benefit of the doubt.
I would strongly suggest that you look up and read the posts of this aunt: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos He has written extensively on the topic of retroactive or retrograde jealousy and some of his coping strategies may be useful for you to use.
If you 'must know,' what will you do IF this guy tried a date-rape on her? After she said 'no', anything else he did was a sexual assault. Are you going to end your marriage because she had a date-rape twenty years ago?
And what if you already do know the truth, only you cannot believe it? This is your problem, not hers, if this is the case. I doubt there is anything she could say now that would convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt, so that's what you should be contemplating. Not the deed itself, which sounds like it happened before you two were married, but what the options for her and you are.
Best wishes as you try to resolve this.
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reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (30 July 2010):
 amazingly enough women do have the ability to have a penis right "there" and say no. i've personally had that happen before... i mean yeah it happens. but like the last post said you've guy have been married for years. just forget about it and move on. she's already told you all that she's gonna tell you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): She said she didn't. It could've happened, but she swears it didn't. No one here can tell you for sure.
What is for sure is that she DID cheat on you while she was your girlfriend, but she's your wife now, and you don't mention any inkling that this kind of thing was a regular occurrence.
It's understandable that you're mad at her, and finding an assertive, mature way to resolve this situation is more important than forcing her to admit to or not admit to having sex.
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reader, mitseee +, writes (30 July 2010):
i am a 19yr old woman and personally i have never been in this situation but my friend has and she said the same as your girlfriend but too me she told the truth why not try and ask one of her friends...but being friends they may not tell you the truth but personally i think that what she has told you is only half the story im really sorry if this happened i hope this has helped :)
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