A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In May 2006 my wife of eight years began having an affair with a coworker. I confronted her a few weeks later and she said that their secret relationship was over. Throughout the rest of the year I correctly suspected that their affair was continuing. In January she finally ended their relationship, only to discover two weeks later that she was pregnant with his child. At first, he begged her to have an abortion. Then, he begged her not to seek court ordered child support because he didn't want to tell his wife or his family about the baby. Now, after my wife e-mailed his wife with the truth of their secret relationship, he wants to be part of his child's life. I have said from day one that I am willing to raise this child as my own. However, I do not trust her lover to be an active part of his child's life because I believe that he will continue to pursue my wife. I am adopted and have met my biological parents, and I believe strongly that every child should know their biological parents. But I believe that allowing him to be an active part of his child's life would be a constant problem for all of us, given the circumstances. I love my wife, despite all of the heartache that she has caused me in the last 15 months. She says that she cares deeply for me, which is why she has not left our home. However, she is unable to tell me that she loves me and I know that she still cares for her lover. I believe that the only reason that she hasn't left me is because her lover refuses to leave his wife even though he doesn't like her anymore. He has said that he doesn't want to go through a second divorce or put my wife through a divorce. Huh??? This man apparently wants to have "fun" with my wife yet live with the woman who basically supports him. What advice can you give me for dealing with this situation? Do you think that I can trust my wife with this man in our life?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 So, you are willing to perpetrate a deception (claiming the unborn baby is yours) to cover up the result of a prior deception (the pregnancy of your wife through an affair)? Perplexing.
I can only imagine the moral confusion your children must feel at this moment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I'd like to add a couple of things to the situation. My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter, and I have two teenage children from a previous marriage. The older children don't live with us, but they are around frequently and involved in our lives. One of the reasons that I have dealt with this situation as I have is because of the children. I don't want to put the older ones through a second divorce, and I would like to protect our younger child. I also feel somewhat responsible for the child on the way, even though it is not mine. I have been active in planning for the child and even went to the ultrasound. My family thinks that the child is mine, which really complicates the situation. They would understand once the situation is explained to them, but it will be difficult. I realize that I have complicated the situation by not being decisive six months ago, but at the time she appeared to be truly repentive. Now, I don't really think so. Again, your advice is greatly appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I'd like to add a couple of things to the situation. My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter, and I have two teenage children from a previous marriage. The older children don't live with us, but they are around frequently and involved in our lives. One of the reasons that I have dealt with this situation as I have is because of the children. I don't want to put the older ones through a second divorce, and I would like to protect our younger child. I also feel somewhat responsible for the child on the way, even though it is not mine. I have been active in planning for the child and even went to the ultrasound. My family thinks that the child is mine, which really complicates the situation. They would understand once the situation is explained to them, but it will be difficult. I realize that I have complicated the situation by not being decisive six months ago, but at the time she appeared to be truly repentive. Now, I don't really think so. Again, your advice is greatly appreciated.
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A
male
reader, agony_uncle_r  +, writes (30 July 2007):
i say you get up and get out... she has no respect for you and to say she still cares for you seems a tiny bit dubious after all shes put your through.. shes lied and lied and lied and pulled you through poop.. get out while your young man
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): Set yourself free. This is a terrible situation that is simply going to torture you for the rest of your years and that would be a terrible waste of your life - no one in their right mind would put up with it. You can care -but do it from afar. There are so many women out there who will love you and you them - and when you find someone else you will wonder why on earth you even contemplated putting up with this. They will not cheat on you or expect you to put up with this utterly cold and emotionless rubbish. Open your eyes wider than you ever have and see what is in front of you. Two people that are prepared through selfishness and 'comfort' to use the people that put a roof over their head whilst carrying on some 'charade' of a relationship. Oh please. Walk away!!!!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (30 July 2007):
Well, do you think you have been treated with respect? Has your wife taken any concrete steps to prove that she is trustworthy?
Whatever decision you make about your marriage, let trust and respect be your guide. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Unique1 +, writes (30 July 2007):
Honestly, i dont think i could forgive or trust someone who cheated on me again. I dont know how you do that! Ask yourself, do you want to live your life worrying if she will cheat on you again or do you want to find someone perfect who will love you as much as you love them? You are a good man, you deserve nothing less! There is nothing worse and more paiful than loving someone unconditionally and not getting the same in return. I know, I am going through that now, after my 3 yr relationship just ended. It is painful, but for your own good and happiness, i would suggest you take things under your control. You deserve better, and yes there is better out there!
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (29 July 2007):
 No you can't trust her. Do you really want to live with someone that is using you and doesn't love you? If you stay with this woman it will only bring you heartache after heartache. She has cheated on you once and disrespected you. It will happen again and again and again, because she has no respect for you. You cannot have any respect for yourself either to stay in such a relationship, so you cannot even expect her to respect you when you don't respect yourself? Love is a verb, an action, she should be showing you love not just saying it. By having an affair again and again, that shows no love. The love is gone man, your the only one loving her in this relationship. I suggest getting your finances in order with a lawyer, and planning for a break. Serve her the papers when it's convenient for you. Don't let her think anything is up. Just get out, get healed (love yourself again), and then find someone that will love you back. There's 150 million women in the U.S., if only 1% are dateable by your standards, that's leaves you with 150,000 women to go out on a date with. Time to get started man.
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