A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please help. My partner/fiance left our home 2 months ago after 5 years for a reason i did not know. I saw him last sunday and he told me that the reason he left was because he had met someone else. When i asked him he told me it was a 26 year old poledancer ( he is 41) that fell in love with him when she saw him in a gentlemens club. He worked away a lot last year and it came between us and he met her whilst working away. he says he saw the glamour and thought that was what he wanted and the grass was greener, so he left. Also because she told him she thought she was pregnant and he felt he had to go and sort things out but turns out she is not. Funny that!! He said that after he left he felt that there was no coming back as when i found out that he had left me for a poledancer, i would never forgive him and chuck him out. He told me on Sunday because he said that he had been an idiot, he missed me and his home ,and got very emotional and said he still loves me and i am a lovely person and he is mad to give me up,and he said what we had was as near as you could get to perfect although he was unsure of his feelings for her and would not know them till he got back to her.He also said he didn't trust her, but thinks he loves her but all they do is argue. I told him that if he wanted to come back he has to do it because he wants to not because he feels guilty or not because he's had another argument with her..i told him that i still loved him and my feelings hadn't changed and he was shocked by this as he thought i would hate him,He then left, tears again and said that he would take some time out to think what he really wants in life now he knows i still love and care for him. Now this is my dilema, ok its been xmas so understand perhaps he hasn't had time to think and i know he spent xmas with her as he said she has got no-one else, ok, i did hound him a bit over xmas and he felt i was pressuring him to the point that i got in the car on thursday and started to drive the 150 mile trip to where he is staying until he rang and asked if i would go back as it was not fair of me and he hadn't had time to think yet as it was only the day after boxing day. I accepted this, came home,let him know i got back safe and have not contacted him since. It is now saturday and i have heard nothing from him as yet, i know its only 48 hours but i am going out of my mind. This is my question, do you think that he is taking time out to think now xmas is over and he realises i still love him or is he just keeping me dangling and hasn't the guts to tell me he is staying with her.How do i know? I'm scared to contact him as i don't want to drive him away or make him feel pressured and If he is thinking how long do i give him to think? i don't want to lose him as i do love him so much and i know he loves me to. What do i do?? Is he having a mid-life crisis and will he realise before its to late.Please help.[Moderator's note. For further information please see the following situation:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-broke-up-for-no-apparent-reason-a.html]
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): This man is extremely selfish and will continue to be this way in the future. You talk about is needing time...what are your needs? Can you live your life without your needs ever being addressed? You have spent enough time apart from him that you probably don't hurt as much as you used to....don't go back and set yourself up for that hurt again! Find a man that treats you with respect and is able to give, not take.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): My personal opinion is he is with this girl for sex only. If they are arguing constantly then it is a sign that all is not well within their relationship. Now, what you must do at the moment is try and clear any thoughts of him out of your head. If he wanted to be with you he would be there at your side right now. Concentrate on you, try doing things to take your mind off him, enjoy yourself and get out and try and have fun. Do not attempt to contact him whatsoever, Xmas is an emotional time for a lot of people and maybe he said things to you just to keep the peace, I don't know. I can't see this fling with the poledancer lasting that long, she's probably got a queue of guys waiting for a chance with her...so bide your time. If and when he does come crawling back..make sure you bust his balls, if you are prepared to tkae him back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): I just think he is playing games with you. Cause like he comes back and says he made a mistake and he misses you. But then as soon as you tell him he is welcome back he says he still doesn't know what he wants. Then why did he come back?? Obviously things aren't perfect with the other woman and he wants to keep you as a back up. That's just sorry. You really should not take this from him.
And even though he claims this or that about what's going on, how SHE fell inlove with him and SHE got pregnant to trap him, he is probably not telling you the whole truth. I mean for all you know maybe he is the one all over her.
All I know is that this man left you for another woman in a very mean undeserved way and you shouldn't feel like you love him or would take him back in a heartbeat much less wait for him! You really need to be strong and realise that he doesn't deserve your love. Treat him with the same courtesy as he has treated you. Just shut him out of your life too just as he did to you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (30 December 2007):
 I think you have given him plenty of time to think. I would not contact him for any reason. In fact, if he contacts you, I'd be cool with him. He hasn't been fair to you in any of this. I realize you love him but when someone tells you they need to go and see if they love someone besides me, I would have said, ok...see ya. It's one thing to go in solitude to think but to go and think in some other woman's arms is quite another. It shouldn't matter that this woman has no one either.
He may be having a mid-life crisis or a momentary lapse in judgement but this is no reason for him to put you in a position where he knows he can fall back to you if things don't work out with the new woman. Not fair to you.
I agree with the others that you need to really think about the future of your relationship with this man. Will you be able to trust him? Will he do this to you again? I really think this relationship is tarnished and he owes you much more to polish it up than telling you he'll let you know if he picks you.
At the point where you told him you would take him back, he really should have gotten back to you within 48 hours with an answer. If he doesn't have an answer now, he's not really thinking about it.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (29 December 2007):
 He doesn't sound as though he knows what he wants. But it is unfair to leave you dangling hoping for a reconciliation. He sounds full of regret at what he has done to you,and he says he does not trust her which spells doom for their relationship,and if their arguing now it will get worse.I suppose in her line of work there is no room for trust. However i think you should try getting on with your life, maybe getting a hobby, meeting up with friends and see what happens. The other thing i would say is once someone cheats, chances are they will do it again.
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