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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello aunts! Even if I'll try to sum up my story in the best way possible, I think this will be long. Thanks in advance for reading.I met this girl like a year and a half ago in a one-week summer activity we both signed up for. She is from Japan, studied at a liberal arts college in the US and was 20 at the time. I'm from Panama, a Math graduate and I was 25 at the time.I noticed her from day one and was attracted to her but I didn't talk to her until the third day because we happened to take lunch in the same table together that day. We started chatting and we seemed to be getting along fine. Then I asked her if we could go to Universal Studios together (we were in Orlando) as I planned to go after the week was over. She said yes and another friend we made that week took us.We had a wonderful day at the park and then I told her that I write songs (which is true) and that I could show them to her after leaving the park at the hotel we were both staying at. She said yes and she went to my room that night.She loved my songs (I played the mp3 files in my lap top) and then we started talking on a very deep and intimate level, like two close friends. She told me before going to the park that she had a boyfriend but she wasn't happy with him because he was possesive, jealous and immature. However, she was loyal to him, so I knew I had no hope.We became very good friends. I confessed my feelings the next day. She was very understanding even though nothing happened. We returned home and I realized I'd fallen in love.We exchanged emails once in a while over the next few months. She told me when she broke up with her boyfriend and, on her birthday (like 9 months after we met) I surprised her by singing her favorite songs for her via Skype. Then, she was very supportive when I had a very serious family problem. After some time of being in love I decided that I'd go for it: I'd try to convince her to start a long distance relationship.I had to wait for an entire summer cause she went back to China for vacation and we couldn't talk while she was there. Then finally she came back. We talked once or twice and then I told her I had to give her a surprise. I gave her the recording of my own cover version of one of her favorite songs and I even used my piano to sing for her live again. Then I asked the big question.She said something like "if you were here, I'd say yes, but given that it would be long distance, give me a few days to think about it". 10 days later she said that she didn't feel like giving it a try because her previous relationship had also been long distance and had been bad so she still had that bad experience. I was devastatedA few days later I called her with another proposal: a one-month trial period as a long distance couple after which I'd go visit her in the US during Thanksgiving along with my promise to never mention the idea of a relationship again if by then she didn't want to be my girlfriend. She said she loved the idea (literally she said she was 80% for it). She also said she'd think about it and respond very soon. She did, but she still didn't want to go into a relationship. Then I asked for a third and final conversation on the subject via email. And I told her I'd call the next day to see if/when we could do it.I called 15 times and she didn't take my calls. Then I wrote a 5 page long email telling her all I would have said in that conversation. She never replied. By then some friends adviced that I should try to get the friendship back so I sent her a package with some gifts and a letter where I thanked her for her friendship. She sent me a message on facebook saying she had loved the gifts and finishing with the line "cheers for friendship".Then I sent her a message asking if we could talk just as friends. No reply. Then I wrote another one inviting her to come to Panama in February(which she said she would like to do during our second conversation). No reply. Then I sent a Merry Christmas messsage in December. No reply either. However we're still friends on facebook, she hasn't deleted me or anything.So here's my question. Do you think she is mad at me? Do you think she's scared or just feels guilty and/or overwhelmed as some people have suggested? Do you think we will ever be friends again? I feel very guilty and I fear I've ruined our friendship. Any opinions or advice will be helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): No she's not mad with you, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and she feels that anytime she is friendly to you, you will bring up and push for a relationship with her. She doesn't want to keep hurting you, so she is distancing herself from you. She probably still values you as a friend and so hasn't deleted you off facebook for that reason. You may be friends again with her in the future, but it won't be like it was before. She simply doesn't to be in a long distance relationship, and by asking her a third time after she said no twice you have just pushed a little too much. I say give her space and leave her be for a while and she may come back as a friend. Before you try to be her friend again though you need to accept she made her decision, and that her decision is no. I know it's hard, but that is what she has decided. Good Luck.
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