A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im just very confused about this guy from work. I cant say I know him that well, we used to just have small talk whenever we bumped into each other and one day he asked me if I wanted to meet up for a drink, so we did and we had such a fun time that I ended up spending the night with him and we had sex. I know, it was too soon, but we spoke about it and he said he didn't regret anything and neither did I.After that things went back to normal, we spoke once in a while and then he asked me out again and same thing happened. After this time he was off work for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him during all that time, I was upset because he said he would come out with me and my friends (as it was my birthday) and the night came and went with no sign of him. The week he came back to work everyone was meant to go out for drinks to celebrate my birthday and since I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks I assumed he would not show up (as he doesn't work in the same team and he didn't know anyone except me) but he showed up and we ended up talking and I told him that I felt a bit used as he slept with me and then nothing. He apologised and said he was an idiot and he had been really ill all that time. He said that he really did like me but he wasn't looking for a relationship as he recently came out of a long one. I said the same as I recently came out of a 3 year relationship myself (but I lied as I would happily go out with him, I just didn't want him to scare him off as we dont really know each other THAT well). Anyway, we ended up leaving the work drinks and going off to meet his friends and have some drinks at his place, I spoke to his friend who said that all that time I didnt hear from him he was most likely 'playing it cool' and not to worry. That night we ended up sleeping together again. I wanna note that he does things like cuddle me and kiss my forehead when Im asleep, etc, so I do think he likes me sometimes. After that we were joking that we should have sex at work and we tried to do it (in the end we didnt as we didnt want to risk getting caught!) and he asked me to come and watch his band play on the weekend. I said that I might but I wasnt sure as I didnt have anyone to go with and didnt wanna go to a gig on my own. The night of the gig he hadnt said anything at all so I text him and he just text back saying 'yeah come over, will be fun' so I asked him to let me know when he got to the venue so I could meet him and he never text me back, so I ended up staring at my phone all night waiting for the text to come and it never did. I am just so confused by his attitude because sometimes he seems to really like me, like showing up to the drinks on his own to see me, inviting me to the gig, he remembers things I tell him, etc. but then I am so worried I am just a bit of fun for him. He is awful at replying to emails and text messages so I just end up feeling like an idiot when he doesnt reply and I dont get to bump into him at work too much. I am just worried he is messing with my head. I asked him straight out if it was just sex he was after and he promised me it wasnt, he said he really liked me. But I guess some guys will say anything for sex. I dont want to 'have the talk' with him because it seems too soon, weve only been out a few times so I dont wanna seem clingy, especially when he said he wasnt looking for a relationship. So not sure what I should do now, because I dont want to contact him after he didnt text me after the gig, but it makes me feel sick whenever I see him at work. Shall i go out a few more times and tell him I dont want to get attached if he's not after anything? or does it sound like a lost cause and he just wants sex?Thanks, and so sorry if Ive made this really long!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Hi there, me again, I know, its so strange how things seem to be completely parallel! I had a tiny bit of good luck on Saturday so hopefully you will have had that as well. He finally text me so we met up on saturday night. I had a go at him about the texting issue and he just apologised and said he never wants me to feel like he's doing it on purpose, he's just one of those people that never texts anyone back, always loses his phone, etc. I know its no excuse but made me feel a bit better. We also spoke about our situation and we both agreed that we arent ready for a serious relationship but everytime we hang out we get a bit more attached to each other (I obviously already am but he doesnt need to know that yet!) He says he is scared of getting hurt or hurting me and he sometimes tries to avoid me because he is starting to like me a lot.
Anyway, after drinks he asked me to come back to his and i said 'ok, but you need to know im on my period so I wont be able to do anything' he just said it wasnt like that at all and he didnt care (so i guess that answers my initial question for this site!) We ended up havving a brilliant night and breakfast next morning and have been bumping into each other a lot at work having really good chats. I am seeing him on the weekend as his band is playing and he asked me to come along. Bit scared of going out with his friends but really wanna come along.
So now what Im confused about is the fact that I was speaking to this girl about him and she said 'oh yeah he still has issues with his ex doesnt he' (he told me he didnt at all). I would usually believe this girl but i know that she has a crush on him so Im not sure if she said it to put me off or if she meant it and he lied to me. Im just thinking it would make sense that thats the reason why he doesnt want a relationship if he does like me like he says....hmmmmmm.....
Anyway, I dont think you should be worried about having told him how you felt, I am sure he had an idea and you cant be watching everything you say through fear of chasing him away (trust me I am the same and should take my own advice!)Maybe he just needs some time to sort out his issues and then he will be ready for something with you. Is he still living with his ex wife? cause I can see how that would complicate things. Let me know if anything has happened, I hope things have improved. I am hoping he is a nice guy and just confused about the whole situation, I am sure he is not being horrible on purpose!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): Hi it's me again! It's so eeerie to read your messages because I feel exactly the same things you do! and both guys seem to be behaving a similar way too. I think there's a pattern here, proving that guys can have relations with girls without their heart playing a part, whereas us girls are built differently and we can't help but become involved emotionally. I think we need that more than guys do.
I thought he was free last night and I thought to myself, if he does want to meet up I'll just tell him I have plans, but I know if he did text I'd be over there in a flash! He didn't text so I become depressed. My guy is also playing the game and I'm getting hurt as well, so I feel your pain.
I do see him every day though and it's becoming hard work now, not knowing how to act?? His excuse for the night he didn't text back to say if we were on or not, was that his "night turned to shit" (I think he had a fight with his ex-wife). He told me he had the shits and when he got my text he'd had enough and that's why he didn't reply. I told him that I was sorry his night turned to shit but that was no reason take it out on me. He has some serious issues!
We have been together since then and I made the mistake of letting him know that I care about him and that he can talk to me about what he's going through. Now that I think about it, I may as well have said "turn around and run away right now"! He hasn't made any attempt at conversation at work since then. All I get is a "Hello".
Keep me posted, and let me know what happens re Saturday night (and tell him that other than him being in a coma, there's no excuse for not replying to a text)! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Hi there,
Im sorry that nothing has improved, I completely know how you feel. i want to get over him so much, I really do try to stop thinking about him but its impossible when I see him every day!! He sent me a text this week asking if I wanted to go for a drink on Saturday but when I asked him what time he never replied. So now Im stuck waiting for him to call (its now Friday night) and Im wondering if Im going to be waiting all tomorrow for his call, I will be gutted if he doesnt call. All my friends are telling me to just say 'youve left it too late so Im busy' and I want to, but I know as soon as he calls Ill meet him, I just cannot resist him. its getting annoying now cause he is playing the game and Im getting hurt.
What about you? do you get to speak to your guy everyday? And what was his excuse for not texting you that night? I hope you do manage to sort something out soon! And have better news for next time you write!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Hi, it's the girl with the same problem! No better luck for me I'm afraid. It's freaky cause exactly the same thing that's happening with you is happening with me. I'm doing the same thing you've been doing, acting a little aloof, hoping he'll miss me. But he's having problems with his ex-wife and the kids, and I've stepped back to give him space. After the night he didn't tell me whether we were on or not though, he did text me 3 days later to say he was sorry. It's better than nothing I guess. Why is it we always want what we can't have??? I keep telling myself to get over him and move on, but I just want to be with him! It's doing my head in! I was hoping you had better news about you and your guy.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, well, not a lot has changed since I told him all that. We havent really had a chance to hang out again as Ive been away on holiday but he still hasnt made any attempt to ask me out again or anything. Since I got back we have bumped into each other a few times but Im making sure that I dont seem keen, Im giving him his space and hoping that in the end he will miss me a bit. Ive been walking away first instead of hanging on to his every word, etc. I am really scared that we will drift apart but if it was that easy for him to let go then I suppose I wasnt worth anything to him. Im not sure whether to try one more time and ask him to go for a drink, what do you all think? one more attempt or just completely leave it up to him?
Ps. to the girl with the same problem, what has happened with your work guy since you have ignored him? I hope its better luck than me?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Hi, it's me, the one with the same problem. Good on you for confronting him, but in the end has it really helped? and has anything really changed? Since the other night when I didn't receive any text whether we were on that night or not I've ignored him at work. He knows he's wrong, but hasn't said sorry or tried to talk to me. As much as I'd love to be with him again, I don't see the point in continuing, he's seems to be in the same place as your guy, unavailable. I think you and I should get over these men we can't have, and both move on and look for someone who is available. I believe we deserve better. Keep posting as I'd like to hear what happens next!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers guys, they really made me think a lot and I decided that as he seemed a nice guy I would ask him straight. So I went round to his on Saturday nite and when he said 'shall we go to bed' i said 'no, im not staying' and when he asked me why I wanted to go home so late instead of staying I just said to him 'i just dont wanna be messed about and I dont know what I am to you. Just because i dont want a relationship now doesnt mean I want to be the girl you have fun with and then ignore'. he was genuinely surprised and said he had no idea I felt like that and that he never meant to make me feel used. He said he sometimes avoided me because everytime we hung out he liked me more and he really wasnt ready for a relationship. I didnt want to ask why because I dont want to seem like Im pushing the issue. Anyway, we had a great night, I must admit we did sleep together but he was so affectionate, it felt different, he kept cuddling me and kssing me and it did feel like things had changed a bit. Even when I got home he sent me a message saying he hoped i didnt feel like he was messing me around and he really liked me. We agreed to just keep hanging out and take it day by day.I suppose I am ok with that because deep down i feel after a few weeks of 'hanging out' things might progress. But now were back at work and he seems to ignore me! Granted we barely ever bump into each other at work, and seeing as he never replies to texts or emails Im not sure how to go about arranging more meet ups. Im a bit worried that since things seemed to get a bit more intense on saturday he is ignoring me on purpose to back off. Or maybe Im just being paranoid!Do you all think this sounds like too much hassle?And will he end up messing me around even worse in the long run?Thanks for taking the time to read this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Oh my, you sound like you're describing my life at the moment!!! I can relate to so much of your story. The colleague I'm seeing has recently separated, he only ever texts me when he hasn't got the kids and wants me to go over. He did actually tell me he couldn't offer me commitment, "for now". He says and does some things that make me feel special and like he does like me, like kissing me on the forehead etc, however when he's not free we don't communicate as I think I'll scare him off, and conversation at work is just basic. I get so confused and frustrated. And what's made me lose it tonight is that he texted me earlier today saying that we may get together tonight, if he doesn't have the kids. Well it's 8.30 and he still hasn't let me know either way. I am a wreck, I'm confused and just feel like telling him to f*** off. Or should I be patient and see if he wants more when he gets through the after-affects of divorce????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Guys will act like your best friend if there's opportunity for no-strings sex. It sounds like he is using you but he wouldn't see it that way, and I would bet that as long as you keep putting out, he'll keep seeing you. Just think about how you're going to feel when he meets someone who he does want to have a relationship with and he makes it clear he doesn't want you around any longer. You're going to be pissed at him, but if you show your anger he'll just tell you that he made things clear to you from the beginning. Men can be total pigs like that, and they prey on women like you who believe they don't have the right to state what their needs and wants are for fear of frightening someone away. If you think that stating your case would frighten him off, then you've answered your own question. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Hi,
from a male perspective ( and I am sure you will want one of these) I think he does not have any ill intentions towards you, really I dont.
But he has come out of a relationship, plays in a band, has a bunch of friends. None of this adds up to a desire to commit to a new relationship.
I don't think by forgetting to message you back he has any disrepect for you, I'm sure he is just genuinely forgetting to do it.
Now I'm not forgiving this behaviour, I just believe you are both on different pages, you are looking for another companion he at the end of the day is not.
That is the bottom line. He obviously likes you a lot, but not enough to bring you completely into his life yet.
I would give him a miss at the end of the day, you are better off turning your attentions elsewhere.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (30 August 2009):
 I think you have to ask yourself what YOU want out of this. Do you want a relationship? Or do you just want sex? Because I think if you want the first then you may have to bide your time.He has told you he is not looking for a relationship at the moment. You do not want to be used for just sex, yet you sleep with him every time you go out together? This is giving him the signal that says "its ok to use me for sex, as I will sleep with you every time we meet up".If you really like this guy, then change the pattern. See how he reacts if you dont sleep with him one time you go out together. I know this is risky, but you will soon have an answer. If he only wants you for sex, then you will not see him for dust. But then you will know that he wasnt worth your time anyway.I you need to get to know this guy a bit more. Slow the relationship down, go out for lunch, meet up for drinks. Find out who HE is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): leave it as it is*
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): He could be using you, you could be his rebound, or he could mean what he says when he's not a ready for a relationship - but that won't stop him doing anything sexually. Whichever it is, if you don't want to keep sleeping with him without being in a relationship with him, then don't. I would just ignore him from now on, as it as it is, and if he is interested in getting to know you, he'll make an effort, and then you can explain to him you don't like to make a habit of sleeping with people unless you're in a relationship with them. If he doesn't, then you know he isn't and wasn't interested in anything other than sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): yes he's using you for sexdont go out a few more times cos its what he wantsbut if u like him, tell him what u think and if he doesnt stop bein the way he is, your betta off without him
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