A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've recently started flatting with five other people. One in particular, I'll call him S, I didn't know very well, so I assumed everything would be fine and we all signed on for a years tenancy contract.That was maybe 8 months ago, and during the next few months S and I started talking a lot, and I realised that I have feelings for him. I knew it would be a bad idea to try and make a move or anything like that, seeing as I'd have to live with him for the next year despite being rejected, and I still haven't. We've all been living together for two or so months now, and it's been really hard. He's naturally very friendly, and we do talk a lot, but I'm sure he treats me the same as everyone else. Eventually, I decided that I can't really keep going with this weird secret attraction for someone I have to live with, and I've met a new person, who I get along with fairly well. The issue is that I still have really strong feelings for S, and I feel like I might always be subconsciously wanting S, or comparing this new person to him. Do you think it's possible to build a relationship over feelings for a different person? Is this an unhealthy way of trying to move on.
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 February 2019):
 Unlike the others here, I dont think it's a bad idea. As long as you don't get too seriously involved with this other person unless you've grown the appropriate feelings for them, I dont see any difference between what you're thinking of doing, and what a lot of others do all the time: date someone and then seeing if feelings develop or not. The minority of people enter relationships after having first fallen in love with each other.
For most part, people date and then see if feelings develop. The fact that you start off having feelings for someone else doesn't make it any different. Humans are, after all, capable of being interested in more than one person at a time. But as we fall in love, the natural drug in our brains tend to make everyone else fade in comparison to our love interest. So you'll know 100% if you start having feelings for a new love interest or not. So if you don't develop feelings for them, you just stop dating them. And if you do develop feelings for them, you will naturally move your interest away from S and over to your new love interest, and everything will be fine.
If you want to get over S though, there is an effective way to do it: just observe his nasty habits and focus on his negative sides. You live with him, it shouldn't be hard to find focus points like: he never cleans the common areas, or he doesnt change towels that often, or he doesnt do dishes, or he's slobby, or he doesn't eat healthily, or he lacks ambition etc. Find whatever negative side there is (everyone has negative sides) and focus on those. Even mr. Perfect has negative sides.
I also dont think you're actually in love with S. I think this is a case of Tarzan and Jane. He happens to be the available man in your close proximity. Everyone else in that flat you already knew and had already decided you weren't interested in, S was the only wild card that you didnt know that well. For someone young and without a clear idea of what you want in a man or a relationship, of course you ended up with an infatuation. Its primal instincts. Nothing else. S could have been any friendly man, and you'd feel the exact same. Im positive there have been some social experiments on this, I'll head to Google straight after this post to find them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2019): thank you everyone, this is OP.You're all right, it's hugely unfair to use this new person to try and get over my feelings for my flatmate, but at the same time I don't want to force myself away from potential new relationships and spend the next year living with someone who likely doesn't reciprocate what I feel.I think for now I will continue seeing and talking to this new person, because to be fair we do get along very well, and I like spending time with him. If within the next two weeks I feel like S is still taking centre stage in my mind, then I'll come clean to the new person, as you're all right, I can't just use him to overcome my own emotional difficulties, and it's a very selfish thing to think about doing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2019): I agree with N91. You live together, so there's constant cravings. I just can't see playing other people along; while I fancy someone else I'm infatuated with. Placing the responsibility on some unsuspecting-person to change your feelings; while they are getting attached to you for probably no reason. What if S tells you you're not his type after spilling your guts?
S hasn't come-on to you, or suggested dating you. Under the current living-arrangements; it's the same as dating someone you work with. If things go sour; then you're stuck living in the same flat, until the lease runs out. What happens next?
Either you or he would have to move; but you may really get along well with the others, and actually love where you're living. He may refuse to go. You'll watch him dating other women and bringing them around. It's hard enough as it is.
I think you need to detach and let the crush fade. A breakup would be complicated; and neither of you would want to move before the lease is up.
Continue dating for socializing and companionship; or getting out of the house. Nothing serious. Don't toy with anyone's feelings by committing to a relationship; before you overcome your crush on S. Don't waste his time or break the guy's heart; while you're in the middle trying to decide who you want. When S may not even be romantically-interested in you in the first-place. He may not turn-down the opportunity for sex; but then that's yet another issue.
You have to learn how to manage your feelings; and not let "convenience" and "easy-access" have you falling for roommates. I call it "fishing in a barrel." No challenge, it's all right there; like a packaged-chicken in the poultry section of the market.
Don't use anybody to carry the responsibility of swaying your feelings away from somebody else. That's your job! They'll get hurt in the process, if it doesn't work. Would you want a guy to do that to you? Playing you along while he was hoping some other female would make a move, just to dump you as soon as it happens?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 I think it is an unhealthy and unfair way of getting over someone.
You are BASICALLY using the new guy to get over S. How would you feel if some dude were using you like that? Not great, right?
It's not the new guy's job to try and "fix" your crush on another dude. Seriously, OP.
So either you let "New dude" go - or you FOCUS on getting to know him. No comparing him to S and all that crap. One or the other.
If you think S isn't interested then you NEED to accept that and work through it. BY yourself. Maybe even pull back quite a bit from hanging out with S. Spend time with OTHER friends. Get out of the house, do things, see things.
I DO think it's SMART of you to NOT date a room-mate or a co-worker. If it doesn't work out it's just going to be awkward for your two and those around you, and being STUCK in a year year lease... Not great.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 Nope.
Not fair on the new dude at all, bringing him into a messy situation. If you really liked the new guy you would forget about S naturally.
You have 2 options:
Tell S and deal with the outcome whatever it may be
Keep quiet and try to move on
...............................
|
