A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started dating my boyfriend in February. He has been living with a very close friend (girl) ever since last summer. I get along with her very well if we're alone but sometimes if it's the three of us it gets a bit awkward. Lately I found out by chance from a document on her computer that what I had suspected is true: she has feelings for my boyfriend.The relationship between my boyfriend and I is way beyond doubt and I don't worry that anything bad would happen even if she tried to make it happen. I also trust her enough to know that she won't do anything to harm our happiness. I feel very sad, though, that my happiness must be accompanied by such pain on her side. I've been in the position of "the one outside" in the past and I remember how horrible it is.I wish the situation could be solved and there was something I could do to help her. She has not fully admitted her feelings to neither me nor my boyfriend. Do you think it is advisable that I voice my suspects to her? I don't want it to be an accusation, I want it to show her my solidarity. I really want to enjoy the evenings when it's the three of us. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 Well, Dora, first of all, I would say you have a very good grasp of what is going on, and you and your boyfriend are acting together. This is very good, as you would present a single opinion to your friend and she would be faced with solid truth.
I think I understand the subtle point in your post. Your boyfriend was living with her BEFORE he started dating you. Then, you came along. I think this is a very clear message from your boyfriend to her: he is not interested. I don't know what she wrote on her diaries, but, I think she might be aware of the full meaning of your dating each other but wishes things were not so and stays where she is. Or she thought she shouldn't show her feelings by leaving. Who knows. The thing is, there is a real need for her to face the truth. It can be done gently, as in a friendly conversation, or you can wait until someone loses his/her temper and blows his/her top.
I think you will have to do the gentle talking. I wouldn't really know what to tell her, but I think it should be something like "I know you're in love with my boyfriend, we know you're loyal and all, we're not angry, but, since we care for you, we need to tell you that this is hopeless and you need to move on".
I don't think she'll be happy to hear this, and possibly she will move out; but I see no other way to handle this. Maybe with time she will accept things and work a friendship out with you again.
I commend you on the way you've been handling this. Many people would have been a lot less careful. I guess that you understand she is not a monster, but simply someone who fell in love of the wrong guy. This must be difficult for her, too.
A
female
reader, dora +, writes (8 August 2007):
Hello!
Thanks for your replies, I'm the author of the question writing again.
I will add a few factiles while answering to what you said, hopefully this will be helpful and more people can answer or you yourselves can reply again with more detailed knowledge of the situation.
My boyfriend and I had long suspected that there was something going on, but he always believed more that she was feeling lonely and he was the only close bond she had rather than she actually has feelings for him Anyways, I have talked to him about my recent discovery. He still tends to think that this infatuation has been transformed into what it is (i.e. a rather obsessive relationship) because of solitary listening to love songs, writing journals as if they were prose, not confiding to real people, disguising her real feelings and her habit to "embellish" facts (e.g. when she tells a story she'll tell it with a nuance to obtain a certain effect etc.). He appeared very fed up with the situation and with his friend, and I don't think it's advisable that he tries to talk to her because of that. They surely do have a problem that they will need to solve eventually, but I think for now they expect very different things from each other and therefore wouldn't understand each other.
He agrees with my idea of trying to talk to her, by the way. And he understands that I want to do it not to tell her off but to try and help her or at least understand her - this is what I mean by solidarity.
As for me being the competition and therefore not really the best person to talk... Well, surely it would be better if she had someone else to talk to - at the same time, someone sensible that wouldn't just tell her that she should just wait because she deserves him so much more or similar stuff said just to cheer up. However, while with her obvious silences she seems to be asking for help, she hasn't really confided with anyone. And I don't think anyone other than us three is aware of the situation enough to be able to ask her if everything is alright. So I think I should.
Throughout all of this, she has been wonderful in being able to still be my friend and have a lovely time together when we are alone - i.e. she seems to be able to separate very clearly between me as a person from me as the putative factor of the disruption of her bond with my boyfriend. I was hoping to appeal to that distinction and talk to her AS A FRIEND, so that she could have some comfort. Show her that I understand her and that I wish that it wasn't so hard for her. Show her that I'm sorry to have caused such pain but that it was inevitable that it would have happened soon or later (even if it wasn't me, my boyfriend wouldn't have been single forever).
As for what sweet-thing and Leni suggested, unfortunately the few friends of mine that are available, straight and living in the country seem really impossible candidates - better not to give her the impression that we are trying to pair her up with whoever available, that wouldn't really make her forget my boyfriend!
Anyways, I won't need to mention the file again - her behaviour might be suspicious anyways and the nights together are often silent, I can just start the conversation by trying to ask her why.
I would also like to remark that I really don't see the situation as possibly "escalating" in any way, so I don't really think there's any reason for either of them to move out. The only thing that can happen is that it keeps being slightly depressing for everybody and my boyfriend gets cold towards her - he's really nearly fed up.
Thanks for your answers, please keep helping!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): i think this is very thoughtful of you so a big well done on your part. if it was me in your position though i would maybe try and secretly help her get a boyfriend like taking her out and introducing her to other males. im sure fate will find her mr right. good luck.
XxXxX
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Nah, I would keep quiet about the knowledge. She may perceive you to have been snooping through her things to find out what she feels for your boyfriend. I would try instead, to hook her up with some single men, maybe friends of yours or your b/f's and then you'd have a great couple that you could hang out with, double-date with etc. Plus if she's attracted to your b/f simply because they're living together (weird, but I guess if it works for them) and because she's lonely or bored, having a b/f of her own will solve the problem. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 August 2007):
I think she is keeping her feelings to herself because she doesn't want to complicate things with you or your boyfriend. If this is the best way she can manage it, let her have her way.
I am afraid that she won't see any words from you as "solidarity". Maybe your boyfriend could play that "solidarity" role, as he is the man, but you are the "competition". I wonder if you understand this. How would you feel if YOU were in her position and she came to you to show her solidarity?
On the other hand, I have serious doubts that your boyfriend does not know about this. I'm not saying that he has something with her; I'm just telling things the way I see them. Perhaps he has found a way to deal with it?
Have you talked to him about your confirmed suspicions?
If you haven't, you would need to be careful. He wouldn't take your words to be "solidarity", either. Maybe this is why he doesn't say a word to you. But then, you need to know for sure.
I'm afraid that things could get out of control here. If she's in love with him, and he has a girlfriend, she should not be living in the same house.
Hope this helps.
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