A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a young female who is currently going through a struggle financially. I had lost my job and am in the process of finding a new one. I've been in a serious relationship with a great man for over 3 years. He has a great job and does good for himself. I hate to do this, but I've recently been thinking about asking him for some money. I would pay him back of course but not until I find another job, which could take a few months... I've never been one to ask for money, and I feel very weird asking him because I'm embarrassed. He's a nice guy I don't want him to be put off... I was only going to ask him for this one time favor just to help out with some of my expenses. Im sure I will have a new job soon. At this point he's the only person I can go to, my parents are both deceased, I have no siblings and I don't know my aunt and uncle real well. Do you guys think this is something reasonable I can ask my boyfriend? If so, how should I go about doing this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2015): ive known very close friends to fall out over small amounts...The bank of Boyfriend is not the best place to ask..try an ordinary bank,a credit card company ..or tell your guy he will have to pay for everything from now on....but he is under no obligation to fund you because you are not married.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2015):
 I would never ask anyone but family for a loan and even then I would have it done in writing with a payback schedule and interest (low rate)
My dad has done that for me and also for his SIL at one time.
That being said... My now husband knew what my situation was long before we were married and we had a huge fight when he insisted on paying off some bills that I had incurred while married to my now ex husband. It was a chunk of change and I did NOT want him to do it. He insisted. It was NOT a loan it was a gift. And it was of his doing.
How does your BF not see you struggling?
You say you lost your job... did you get fired? are you getting unemployment?
Also I have to say, I once lent someone $500 dollars. He swore it was a loan. I never saw that money again. I agree with Fatherly Advice, that if someone I know needs money I do not lend... I gift because even with intent that is good folks rarely repay a loan between friends.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2015):
 I would not ask. I could not ask. Call it an old fashioned, middle -class hang up,- it is - but it's simply something that " it's not done ".
If you have been struggling foe 3 years without him ever noticing, commenting or OFFERING help- that's another story, and you have a clueless bf. But one thing is accepting a spintaneous offer of help, another asking a loan to a man you are just going out with. More or less seriously, but he is not your husband or fiance' yet, so...no don't ask.
Money and romance do not mix well, OP, and generally it ends up in bitterness and tears.
Plus, although you intend to give him the money back,- basically you are sort of asking him a gift, not a LOAN: a loan comes with precise dates and precise guarantees, which , if you are broke and unemployed, you can't offer- so, what kind of a loan that would be ? without a collateral ? what can you offer in lieu of the money if you can't pay him back ? Ironically, you could ask him a loan if you HAD a job which would allow you to reimbourse him a little at a time.... but, yeah, if you HAD a job probably you would not need to ask him for a loan, I get it:) And still, ..uhm no.
Also because loans need to have fixed terms : if you were sure , positive that your new job starts in , say, 6 months and you just need something to tidy you over till then- then ok . But, what happens if in 6 months you are still unemployed - and at month 5 something happens for which he needs his money back pronto ? he just gets screwed ?... That's not something one would want for his partner or his best friend, and it would be very embarassing for both parties.
Of course, it depends, everything in life needs a bit of flexibility, so I WOULD ask if it was for an out of the blue ,unforeseen thing that I could do nothing about. Let's say, you have a killer toothache, and no dental insurance, and dentists are darn expensive- well, ask away, OP.
But I find curious that you say you " just need some money for your expenses ". Well, OP, aren't your expenses going to be the same more or less every month ?... If, with or without fault of yours , you are living beyond your means, why do you have to make it a problem for your bf ( or anybody else )- you simply have got to cut your expenses and live within a lower budget.
Like, if you have a car and you can't afford it- you just WALK, you don't ask gas money to your bf.
If rent is too expensive- you choose a cheaper accomodation.
Etc. etc.
That seems a banality and maybe it is not your case at all, but to me it is surprisisng how many people demand that other adults should take care of their problems and responsibilities- just because they share sexual intimacy or free time with them. Let's make it about even more than sex or fun,make it feelings- it still would make me uncomfortable.
Of course, again, of you are OFFERED, you can evaluate if you want to accept a helping hand or not ( I suggest not, but that's another story ). But asking... only in particularly, emergency circumstances. And only if you can make it an official, legally binding loan, in written, with an expiration date and something offered as a guarantee.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2015): I agree with Sageoldguy. You are in 3 year relationship and he doesn't see you have hardships??? That's just ridiculous. After knowing my husband for 3 years we already had a 1 year old running around. I understand people take things slowly nowdays, but still 3 years together and you are afraid to ask him for a loan??If this will ruin your relationship as other suggested then let it be. What kind of a relationship is it, when you can't expect any help from each other? It's not like you were asking It repeatedly over 3 years to bail you out, but this one time and you don't feel like he would immediately say yes??I don't understand this kind of relationship when people non involved with each other in every way. If you want to live separately in every aspect but only goout together and have sex then sure, let it be, but if you are planning to have some future together then you really need to be ale to ask your boyfriend for a loan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2015): I would never borrow from a bf. My current bf of 3 years offers to lend me money if I ever need it, and I tell him if I ever needed money, I wouldn't borrow from him, I would find another way. If your bf knows you need money, he will offer if he wants to. Go to a bank, sell something, do anything other than asking him, IMHO
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 May 2015):
 I think it might be instructive for you to hear what I would tell your boyfriend if he was asking about this. I like all the advice you have so far but I want to share my take on money in relationships.
If you loan a friend some money you should only do it if you can afford to gift that money to them. In your mind it should be a gift. And when she repays you you should consider it a gift from her. This is the way to avoid the stress and bad feelings that loaning money to a friend inevitably bring.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2015): You really should find another way to make ends meet. Why did you quit a job without a new one lined up? That was a mistake, and you will have to deal with the consequences of that decision yourself. Don't put that on another person. You are an adult.
Your boyfriend should not bail you out of your financial trouble just because you did not think ahead. How well-off" he is does not matter.
Do not sink to that level of asking him for money. It puts him in a bad position. If he says no you will think poorly of him and get upset. If he says yes he will feel used and probably never get paid back.
If you do end up asking (which I assume you will despite good advice), you must insist that the agreement be in writing. You both sign it and it will indicate that you will pay him in a set amount of time, with interest. What are the payment amounts? How frequent? When will he be made whole?
That way, if you do end up splitting, he has some recourse if you stop paying the loan back just because you are angry about breaking up. Yes, this is what usually happens; which is why most say just don't do it if you care for him more than his wallet.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 May 2015):
 Don't do it! You'll wreck your relationship when money enters the scene, unless you're asking for $20. It's also a band-aid that will be very hard to pay back.
Instead, use his CONNECTIONS. If you lost your job, ask him if he knows someone who can get you an "in" for another job. Ask your uncle and aunt if they know anyone looking for a job. Getting a job in this world boils down to WHO YOU KNOW, and trust me, a job is more valuable than a loan.
If you lost your job, are you collecting unemployment? Have you applied for state benefits? Do you live with him, or are you on your own? What about SSI? There are a lot of programs the state can offer for you. Not only that, but depending on which state you live in, there are a TON of career centers who would help you get in touch with people hiring. Not only that, but depending on your skill set and education, temp agencies can be a great interim source of income for you during this time as well as a possible way to build your resume.
When I was *just* out of college, I did the temp agency thing, and the first company they assigned me to actually paid their huge "placement" fee and hired me outright, so that's a possibility as well.
If you are worried about bills, call these companies, explain what's going on, and make arrangements. If you have rent or auto payments, the sooner you get in touch with the managers or lenders, the better you can come to grips with getting terms. One friend of mine actually was able to delay making car payments for 6 months merely by paying $30/month until she got a new job, then refinanced.
You'll undermine the relationship by going to your boyfriend. He may help of course, but it will make things weird if you can't pay back in like a week. Right now, it's open-ended. Can you pay him back in a month? Two months? Six months?? And what if you break up? What happens then? He'll see you with a lot more respect if he sees you pull yourself up by your own strength. Trust me, money makes relationships weird.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (13 May 2015):
 If he's serious about you, he'll naturally want to help you so I don't think he'd have a problem with you asking.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 May 2015):
 How close are you... to this guy... such that HE doesn't "see" your financial struggles???? THAT is the key....
A guy who is leaving you to hang out to dry - financially - and hasn't said a peep about it - probably isn't one to ask to assist you when you need it.
You can try... ask him....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2015):
 How big of a loan are we talk and what is the money for?
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 May 2015):
 What do you plan to use the money for? Surely if you are in such dire need of money your bf can see and would offer to help?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2015): Err No....why would you do this??? It is a dead end route and would spell instant death to a relationship.
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