A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and I have to admit I was not the perfect girlfriend. Although he has done things that have hurt me deeply, I know I have been worse to him. This Thursday I made a mistake and he left the relationship, I apologized and cried to him to stay but he said he was tired of getting hurt. I got mad and told him to leave already because I deserved someone better than him.We attend to the same college so on Friday he found me waiting for one of my classes, he wanted to talk, he wanted to tell me how I shouldn't have done the mistake and how he would never be able to trust me because I keep making the same mistakes all the time. I just stared at him and left him talking alone. He left and I'm realizing how silly and immature I was during the whole relationship.Today I contacted him, I apologized and told him that I will always love him. I told him that no matter what I will become a better person. I asked to please think about getting back together, that I would do anything to gain his trust and make him happy again, I would expect nothing but fidelity in return, and that I would not be an annoying little brat like I was before. This will require a lot of self sacrifices because he is extremely hurt, I know that I will have to stop doing many things that I like and I don't really think are wrong and I will have to be extra affectionate and loving with him. And I also know he will distrust me many times and will hint that I'm a liar. He said that he was going to think about this and told me to think if this is what I really wanted. What do you guys think about this "deal"?, Would you be willing to give up many of the things you normally do in order to repair your partner's feelings?.And just in case, I would like to make clear that even though I have been a horrible person towards him, I have never lied or cheated. I'm asking this because I love him and I want to know if I'm doing the right thing.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 OP your follow up is very telling and I’m sorry I do not think it at all in your best interest to accept his compromise or to stay in a relationship with this man.
NEVER change anything about yourself that you like to please someone else. YOU can if you think you would like to change something for yourself that he wants TRY IT and if you like it, go for it. I’ll give you an example from my own life: My husband prefers straight hair on women. My hair is naturally curly but there is a treatment that can be done to make it straighter. I had my hair styled straight to see if *I* liked it. I did so I agreed to have the treatments done. That was over 2 years ago and I can’t even imagine wearing my hair curly now for myself as I learned I liked how it looked straight.
Here’s one where he didn’t get his way: He would like me in short skirts and high heels all the time. I prefer jeans and can only wear flats. I often wear dress slacks to work. He has been told point blank I will DRESS as I PLEASE when I am at work or with my friends myself or running errands. THE ONLY TIME my husband has ANY say in what I wear is DATE night… and guess what NOW that I give him the option to pick my outfit, he could care less what I wear most of the time. I admit that I have gone from living in blue jeans to wearing skirts and dresses most of the time because I’ve come to like how feminine I feel dressed that way. BUT I DRESS to please myself NOT HIM.
Now on to your specifics:
REQUEST ONE: WHAT HE wants you to wear is not an issue. HE HAS NO SAY IN WHAT YOU WEAR EVEN IF YOU MARRY HIM… see my example above. Yes I give my husband say but he RARELY makes requests about my outfits, preferring me to be comfortable. YOUR boyfriend is so insecure in his knowledge of how you feel that he feels the need to control your outfits and that to me is unacceptable. What’s next a burka? STRIKE ONE on request one
REQUEST TWO: HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE POLITE to any males and he does not want you to have male friends? Well that’s too darn bad. Being polite to others whether male or female is how ADULTS behave. As for any male friends? I personally can see that having an opposite sex BEST friend who is not a homosexual would be disconcerting. I think even I would be upset if my husband’s best friend was a woman who could potentially have designs on him. But to BAN you from being POLITE or having ANY male friends is just NOT acceptable in my book.. strike two on his second request.
REQUEST THREE: he wants you to tell him everything you do and everyone you talk to? Seriously, is he going to put you in a collar and a leash? What happens if you forget to tell him you spoke to the bag boy at the supermarket? Will he beat you? Will he punish you? EITHER WAY it’s NOT ACCEPTABLE…. NO ONE should have to check in with any partner married or not as to EVERYTHING they did and everyone the spoke to. He’s being controlling because of his own insecurity and his own issues. This is not an acceptable way to live… STRIKE THREE ON REQUEST THREE… THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT… but let’s continue on with his insane requests because I have the time today:
Request FOUR: he wants you to be nicer and “not shy” with his friends? Do HIS friends include women? If so then his double standard for request two is even MORE out of line… as for his request to CHANGE YOUR INHERENT personality.. you are shy.. .while you can learn to be more outgoing if you wish it, it’s not something you can just DO at the flip of a switch and it’s not something ANYONE can mandate of you. HOW are you NOT nice to his friends? Potential STRIKE FOUR
REQUEST FIVE: he does not want you to stay for your late classes… SERIOUSLY? How does he expect you to attend class then and what’s his rationale? That you would meet a man for sex while out late? Some of my best sex has been in the mornings and his request is ludicrous. IF he is worried about your safety due to crime on your campus, you can probably request a police escort to your car. But telling you NOT to attend CLASS to help quell HIS INSECURITY is NOT ACCEPTABLE Request FIVE is a full on strike FOUR on this guy.
WE are already at 4 full strikes on this person. He only wants you to have pictures with him…. Again his request is unreasonable…. He does not want you using internet fourms as they are a waste of time (depends on the forum) and that by being a girl on the internet you would attract attention… oh well too damn bad.
OP you say you would do this out of guilt… well that is NO WAY to have a relationship.
IF HE DOES NOT LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE, then he’s not worth it.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 These demands are completely unreasonable and they just go how show how horribly insecure your boyfriend is. If you stay with him, he will just stifle you more and more to the point where you either end up being like a slave who has absolutely no say in anything, or you will get tired of him one day and walk out. And then you don't even know how he might react and if he'll even want to let you go, because he already has streaks of obsessive behavior in him.
All said and get, get out of this controlling relationship while you can. You don't have to do all this to make him happy. There will be no end to his demands and realistically speaking, how much are you willing to sacrifice in the long run? You will be altering your entire persona for this man who is highly insecure and doubts you over everything. Not worth it OP. NEVER worth it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2013):
 OK, I'm glad you wrote a reply and that is was just a typo on the fidelity :)
But I don't think the relationship will make you happy, because what he expect of you is (IMHO) unreasonable. You will do all this and then still feel guilty about the past.
Don't change to KEEP a man. Change if it's something that YOU feel will make you a better person. Dressing in a burlap sack (so to speak) will NOT make you happy either.
Would YOU want a partner to give up the same kind of things? Would that make you happy?
I think you are flogging a dead horse (the relationship with this man). It's dead. Over. No matter what you do he will hold you accountable for the past and hold that over you head to get you to comply with his demands, no matter how unreasonable they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): I was the anonymous aunty who posted before
Do not stay with this man. You cannot possibly live a life according to those rules.
At college you will HAVE to interact with other males, even in daily life you do. He can't expect you to have no male acqauintances at all. He will just have to trust you that you can be in the same room with another man without it meaning that you are cheating (or considering cheating)
What he's asking is unreasonable. He has trust issues and blames them on you. I've been out with a guy like this....you can try and moderate your behaviour as much as possible but it won't convince him that you're not going to cheat - he will just become more and more demanding and unreasonable.
Please get rid of him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): To the people that want to know more details, this are some of the things:The way I dress. I don't like to wear clothes that show to much cleavage, but he doesn't want me to wear any shirt that gives the illusion that someone could see my breasts if they got close enough. (for example, he wouldn't want me weating something like this: http://content.lipsy.co.uk/ImagesA/original/KN01208_XX001_a.jpg)The way I treat guys, he doesn't want me to be polite to any male that ever talks to me and he doesn't want me to have male friends.He wants me to tell him everything I do, everyone I talk to.He doesn't want me to take any course outside college or be in a project that includes a man.The way I treat his friends. (He wants me to be nicer and not shy, I actually agree with this one as I know I'm a shy person)He doesn't want me to stay to my late classes.He doesn't want me to have background or profile pictures of something different than us.He doesn't want me to use internet forums regularly because he thinks that's a waste of time and by being a girl on the internet I would attract male attention.Honeypie I do expect him to be faithful, sorry my English is not the best and I wrote it wrong in my first question. WiseOwlE you are completely right that I would be doing this out of guilt, I sincerely appreciate your advice and I'm going to think about everything you said. Thank you very much for being so honest to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Let's do a little speculating here. I'll do a little intuitive thinking.Are you giving up recreational use of drugs and/or alcohol? Is it anything that you can end up in rehab or jail for? Then give it up for yourself, and everyone who loves you.If it concerns too much partying or over-contacting an ex; how much is too much? If it causes your relationship to suffer, it's too much. Give it up or compromise. If it's an eating disorder. Seek help and do your body good.Your health is the most important thing in this world. Any abuse to the body is life-threatening. If you do anything that causes the mind or body harm, you'll shorten your life and diminish the quality life. You destroy the integrity of all your tools of survival, and you make life hell for anyone who bothers to give you the time of day, let alone their love.I'm not a priest, I don't need a confession; and I'm not here to judge. I do offer advice. I think you should do whatever makes your heart happy, but will not stop it from beating. You are responsible for your own happiness. No one was put on this earth to do that for you. Only you know what makes you happy. It is too much of a burden to place that on someone else. People who think other people are responsible to try to figure out what to do to make them happy, are lazy and selfish. Our dreams and desires change too frequently for any human to keep up with them. Only God can handle such a task.It is still recommended that you get out of the relationship. Reading your post gives a clear indication that your heart isn't in it; and you feel you'll be sacrificing freedom. That's a pretty drastic reaction.If that's how you feel; don't go back, but stop doing anything that can do you harm. Perhaps you know it's unlikely you have the strength and commitment to do it.Be that the case, I know you'll break any promise about it.Forcing yourself to do something that makes you feel someone is taking away something as precious as freedom; is a tall order to fill. You won't be able to keep it up, before you'll reach your boiling point.You'll blow up, and express your anger and resentment in a huge argument. Resentment turns to rage. It can very cruel and destructive.You'll be going through the motions. Not changing because you sincerely want to, or for the sake of improving your relationship. It's a hollow promise made to make him change his mind about taking you back. Your fingers are crossed behind your back. You're doing a sneaky wink to the side. That will be you stealing his freedom. You don't have to tell me what it is you're giving up; that's your business. The important thing is what will you gain from staying? How will you improve his life?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Not much information to go on here. What exactly is it you'll be giving up? What is it you enjoy doing that bothers him?
Generally speaking, I'd say that no, it is not a good idea to give up your freedom and the things that help make you you for someone else. Again though, not much info to go on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): You don't say what the original argument was about nor what sacrifices you will "have" to make. I think these pieces of information would be really helpful so the aunties here can advise you properly.I personally wouldn't give up the things that made me happy for the sake of a relationship - on the other hand I've never really been asked to give things up.There are some things that people are generally EXPECTED to give up when they get into a relationship - one night stands, the odd hook-up with an ex, FWBs, outrageous flirting, going out and chatting people up as if you were single etc etcThere are also some things that are "deal-breakers" for some people and it's acceptable for them to ask (not demand) that their partners don't do them. I'm talking about things such as drinking alcohol, smoking, drug-taking etc. Even more so if these things have lead to bad behaviours in the past. E.G It's unreasonable for a guy to expect his girlfriend never to go out with her friends just because he doesn't approve but I don't think it's unreasonable for a guy to ask his girlfriend not to go out drinking and clubbing every weekend if every time she does she ends up having a one-night stand with a stranger.If the guy has asked you to drop certain friends, change the way you dress or wants you to drop hobbies to spend more time with him.... then I think this isn't reasonable; it sounds more like controlling behaviour.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 November 2013):
What kind of freedom are we talking about here? What is it that you do that irks him so much?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2013):
You write :
***** I will have to stop doing many things that I like and I don't really think are wrong *****
What is that "thing" that you you don't think is wrong but your BF obviously thought was not OK?
I can't really answer unless I know what it is.
Though.. IN general I think you have a couple of problems. 1. You do not expect fidelity from him? Why? Why is it OK for him to cheat but you can't? Double standard. Either you two have a faithful relationship or you don't.
2. You feel this HUGE need to be someone you ARE NOT. To (as you put it) give up so many things that come natural to you. JUST to placate a man into being with you. Then you know what? IF you have to be someone else, IS it really YOU he want?
3. He hinted that you are a liar. Well are you? If not, how is that OK for him to call you a liar?
4. You will HAVE to be "extra" affectionate and loving? You mean FAKE real affection and love? Because that is not how it works. He might want you to SHOW more affection, but again.. he wants you to be someone else.
But like I said, it's kind of hard to answer when I don't know what "things" it is you feel you would have to give up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): No, you do not go crawling back to anyone on your hands and knees, and you don't sacrifice anything. If he is expecting that of you, he isn't worth it. If you're worse, then you're only going back to hurt him again. You and your boyfriend are incompatible. You can't make up your mind what to do; because your common-sense is telling you not to go back! You don't want to look like the bad guy for breaking up. You're both in competition to see who can hurt the other more. Truthfully, you don't really have a relationship to return to. You are both emotionally co-dependent and dysfunctional. You love to hate each other. Relationships only work when both partners work at it, and no one comes up short. Fighting is not what lovers do for recreation. If you fight more than you make love, let that be the deciding factor.You are giving in out of guilt; but you can't keep your promise. You'll most certainly mess up again, and he will too. You'll only break up again in a few weeks; because you're just making empty promises. You can't change over-night, nor can he. Enough with the going back and forth, already. That's a sign that the relationship is an unstable mess. You're trying to please him by hurting yourself. A loving relationship doesn't require a martyr.It's finished. Just start the process of getting over him.
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