A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship and living with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years.Some problems have risen regarding my childrens father who is a prisoner and my boyfriend who is a correctional officer that could possibly cost my boyfriend his job since he is associating with a prisoners family members and it is not allowed.My boyfriend and I were discussing the situation the other night and I came right out and asked him if your job says you have to distance yourself from me and the kids or lose your job what are you going to do? His response was I don't know, which really hurt me.I feel like I am not a priority since he would have to think about it.He says I am not being fair since there is a lot to lose either way.If he chose the kids and I then we would probably lose the house and everything because of not having the money to pay for everything but if he chose the job then obviously he would lose me.Am I being unfair for thinking there shouldn't be a choice? He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but yet he has to think about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): If it was up to me, I would understand if my lover was hard pressed to choose either option. Both options are extremes of each other and difficult. I do not believe his job and security is more important than you and you have to take this into context.
It is 'understandable' you feel 'rejected' that he doesn't know what to choose, but you should also have been more considerate of his feelings and his perspective. In any relationship, it is often a good thing to be able to look at each person's needs and wants realistically. You may feel it is 'better' if he chose you and the kids over his security and the welfare of the whole, but then when does he become important? Are you saying you are more important than him?
As Rhythmandblues2 had said, you two should be looking for solutions, rather than wallow in misery feeling 'rejected'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he doesn't work at the same prison.He knew about my ex being in prison before we got serious and moved in together.He also asked me to marry him Christmas so this whole thing is upsetting to me because if he knew the rules before hand which he has been working at this prison for 6 years why did he continue this relationship with me ect?
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A
male
reader, fuckedup14 +, writes (10 August 2009):
I know how you feel, you think if someone wants to be with you they shouldn't hesitate one question like that for even a second. Now here comes the hard part...you have to realize what this man is being put through, I'm sure he doesn't care about his job more than he cares about you and your kids. But for a man having to work or even be in the same facility as another man who has been with his women. Can you imagine how that's feels. Have you put yourself in his position? I mean really put yourself in his shoes? Because a man who would take on the type of responsibility would never hold it against you unless he feels as though he being taken for granted. Maybe that is why he gave you the answer "I don't know" What has been going on lately? Maybe something at work, or at home that has been making him feel this way. Sit down talk about it with him. And really listen put all your feelings and emotions aside and just hear him out. when he's done it will be your turn to talk. and he will do the same trust me. all you guys have is a small communication error, and a misunderstanding. Talk with him and somethings you'll probably find out something you didn't know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I do think you are being unfair and a little over dramatic. He is talking outloud I think and trying to figure out a solution is all, give him time to do that.
He obviously needs a job and it would be financially irresponsible of him to lose his house for love....right now you are dating him and it doesn't seem to be a problem, so look for a solution instead of attacking and getting all defensive and giving him a Sophie's choice.
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