A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Am I being selfish? I have a boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years and we have a son together. now the whole time that i was with him all he really spend on me was about 100-200 dollars. THE WHOLE TIME. he dont work or anything. when he had a job he lost it for drinking too much and having hangovers. tomarrow is valentines day. i got him an ipod that he's been wanting. today he asked his mom if he could do something for her so that she could give him money. i'm upset because i think that he should of gotten on this since along time ago. i started thinking of what to get him since last month and i have it for him. all i really wanted was a ring that is worth 100-200 dollars but it only cost 40 dollars. i'm not going to get that so i told him dont get me anything. i alway get him wat he wants. for once i want something i want and i'm not getting it. i'm mad because of that. do you think i'm being selfish and i should be happy with wat i get or do you think i'm doing too much for this guy. i bought him most of the clothes he has, shoes, haircuts, anything he needs i get for him. please please help me. what should i do?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Some men are poor planners. My b/f is 52 and I swear he still flies by the seat of his pants when it comes to special occasions. On the other hand, your b/f is showing more serious signs other than his lack of planning. For one thing, being at his age, and not being able to hold down a job and handle grown-up responsibilities. You have much bigger problems here if you plan to continue a life with him. Which I would really question at this point. I know you have a kid together but this guy needs to grow up and you need to quit doing everything for him! You are enabling him to be worthless. I know you love him, but you're doing waaay too much for him. He's got it so easy. He probably needs to get counseling for his alchol problem so he can find work and hold down a job. That would be a start. Then he'll have money when holidays like this come around. If I were you, I'd march right back down to the store where you bought that ipod and return it, and get your money back. Buy him a nice card, fix him a nice dinner and tell him that your V-day gift to him is going to be different this year. Starting right now, you're going to expect him to make some serious changes, and step up to the plate and be a man; otherwise he may very well find himself back home living under Mommy's roof while you re-build your life with someone else. If it sounds tough. It's called tough-love. Be strong!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Yes I agree. The first thing that struck me here was his lack of planning and then he gets to the last minute and expects his mother to bail him out. What would he have done if she was not available or prepared to help him. Sounds like the women in his life are feeding the problem, so to speak!! March him down to the jobcentre/nearest employment agency and don't buy him anything else!! You could try giving him a reality check by withdrawing luxuries and leaving the cupboards bare and see what he does about it (i presume your son is quite small/toddler so you can feed him what he needs etc .. without having to worry about your boyfriend). I'm just thinking this may sound a bit harsh but if you all continue to 'mother' him he'll never learn. You are young yourself and being mother to a toddler is hard work enough as it is, without having to parent an adult male as well.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Oh and i agree with Tisha-1 on 2 things there, he cant plan ahead (major pain in the but being with someone like that) and i would take the i-pod back or sell it on eBay personally.C xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi
You're not being selfish. He is. There are a serious amount of selfish people in this world. I feel for you. I was married to a work shy guy for 2 years. Thankfully i didnt have kids with him. I left him when i was 20, that was 16 yrs ago, divorced him at 24, and guess what, hes still work shy. Hes worse in fact! He spent 12 yrs with someone and had a child with them, but she got fed up too in the end. He gets drunk, takes drugs, doesnt ring in work and loses jobs because of it. Complete screw up at the age of 38!
Not saying your guy will still be a major sponger later in life like that, but it doesnt sound like much fun for you or your child right now!
Because you have a child, it changes things a little bit. Its a tough decision to make.
But like i did back then, i expect you are making it too easy for him to be a lazy good for nothing, Unless he has health issues, he should be out there growing up and supporting his family!
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): No you are not being selfish at all! He, on the other hand, is being extremely selfish and has clearly not yet awoken to his responsibilities as a partner and father! Please excuse all the exclamation marks but well really!! Men like this really make me SO SO cross. One of my close friends was with a guy like this and he turned round and told her she had 'done nothing' for him before walking out on her (they were together 4 yrs as well). I'm sorry to be so rude but he sounds feckless and immature sponging off his wife and mother and demanding this that and the other present without making any contribution himself. He has a lot of growing up to do and you need to put your foot down firmly. He needs to get a job and pull his weight or else risk losing you. You are the mother of his child........of course he should be making you feel special. It's not as if he is working and genuinely on a budget in which case, he could buy you whatever he can afford and you would probably appreciate it but he is not doing anything at all. This goes way beyond the issue of valentine presents it's his whole attitude and lifestyle that needs to change. What kind of role model is he going to be for your son. My ex partner was like this (refused to work, refused to go to college and learn new skills, just refused to do anything and wanted to live off me and hang around the house and smoke and drink all day) and I left him a long time ago and have not looked back. Either way, you have a project on your hands, you can either kick his ass into gear and make him get a job and show his mettle as a proper boyfriend and father, or send him packing to his own mother and see how long he lasts there!!! Sorry, I know this sounds harsh and you probably love him and all that but really I think you know he is taking advantage and needs sorting out. And remember, you are definitely not being selfish for wanting him to spoil you and buy you a nice present once in a while.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (13 February 2008):
 You may not like this answer, let me apologize for it before hand. LoL. But I feel that you need honesty and frankness. So therefore, my answer will be similar to the answers before me.
It sounds to me as though you have 2 children to take care of. Your biological child, and your "boyfriend-child." You need to be a lot less giving to your "boyfriend-child" and that is NOT being selfish. If he needs something, let him find a job to carry his own weight, and to help you pay the bills. It is unfair to you to have to carry the whole load. You are not his "Mommy."
I agree with everyone's advice underneath mine, they SAID IT ALL!
So please TAKE HEED! The advice everyone gave is for your own good.
XXXXX
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Oh dear. This is not going to be a nice or welcome answer for you, I'm sorry for that.First, what is your priority, your son or his father?Second, if you're waiting for your man to suddenly grow up and think of you first, then I think you're going to be disappointed. In his defense, he did think about you at the last minute, but... and this is a big BUT... he does not seem to be able to plan for the future. You've known him for many years, has he ever changed?Unfortunately, someone who is essentially childish in demands and having those demands met, will never grow up. Who is the adult/grown-up in this relationship?If your first priority is your son, then take back the iPod and put the money you get back into the bank. Keep your spending to the bare essentials, and save, save, save! And do not let this man have access to this account.If you want to let your boyfriend know how much you love him, remember that money can't buy you love (that would be a Beatles lyric, and you're far too young to remember them). Cook him a fancy dinner, wear your best clothes and jewelry, and give him a lovely card ... but don't give him any more presents that cost a lot of money. Offer to cut his hair if it needs it, take his shoes to be repaired if needed, only let him pay to get them back from the shoemaker...What does he really NEED? No one NEEDS an ipod (though I do love mine), or fancy shoes or fancy haircuts. What does your son need? Food, clothing, shelter, EDUCATION, LOVE! Think of the future, and stop spending money on unessentials...Sorry this wasn't more positive for you -- you need to be selfish for your son at this point...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): I think that a healthy relationship should be equal so it really is a fact that you're doing way to much for him, you've been doting on him for 4 years and it's like you're the provider, he should be around to provide for you and your child, really what is he playing at, I'm sorry but he just sounds like a lazy, immature waster - this guy has a kid and yet he's still pining to do chores for his mum for money? He really needs to get a job and stop acting like a complete waste of space, you can't go on living like this you have other responsibilities, the times come when you need to dedicate your time to you and your son-not him. If you carry on it'll just get worse and you'll end up financially drained without the time to spend with your son x
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Let this lazy good for nothing get up from his fat lazy ass and find himself a job, so that he can pay for his own clothes,haircuts and ipod. You have one child to look after not two and spend your money on your son for God sake. He has responsibilities and should not go out and get pissed when it suits him.
Stop being a doormat to this jerk and find some dignity my dear, otherwise he will continue to take the piss out of you. I rest my case. Dusky xxx.
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