A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is super upset at me right now, and I think he is overreacting. Last week he was helping me update my macbook, as he knows more about technology than I do, and helping me make things faster. He kept wanting to download mackeeper and I kept telling him I don't want that on my computer, I couldn't really say why, I just knew I didn't want it on my computer, and I voiced my opinion many times.Well he downloaded it anyway, then saw that it didn't do anything, and deleted it. I was a bit annoyed but he was trying to help, so no big deal.Last night I had all these pop ups come up on my computer and they were for mackeeper, and then I remembered why I didn't want it! I had always seen those ads trying to get me to download it and I always actively avoid pop ups. I did a google search and saw all these articles about how mackeeper is a scam, how you should avoid mackeeper, how even if you delete it it still stays in your computer. So I text him, that I was reading how mackeeper is like malware, that I didn't want it downloaded but he didn't listen to me, that he needs to make sure it gets removed completely because I read that it's harder to remove than it seems.This morning, no morning text like he usually sends me, I ask him how he is and he tells me how annoyed he is at my message. And I said you're annoyed? I'm annoyed that you didn't listen to me! And hence started a back and forth where he is telling me he won't even try to help me since I know everything and I don't trust him, he knows more about computers than I do and I doubt him. He was just trying to help from now on I can fix my own problems. That I am who i am, and my message was rude and attacking and he can only take so much. I said I just said I read that it was bad and he needs to make sure everything is uninstalled and he goes on about how my computer still works, we can't go back in time, it's no big deal. I said I didn't say it was a big deal except he didn't listen to me. He started bringing up how that's just who I am, like when we went to the gym to work out I didn't listen to his techniques. Well I had a personal trainer for 2 years and she is now the manager of a gym and commands around $90 an hour, of course I will listen to her technique. As for him, he doesn't do weights now, he said he used to do them a lot, so I follow what my trainer taught me. He said I don't listen, I only know the things i know.Anyway he is being, in my opinion, very pig headed and acting like an egotistical male. I said I was sorry if I hurt him, (I wanted to also say his pride but i left that out), I appreciate him helping him and I value his opinion and judgement on a lot of things, and on things I don't know anything about I don't question him, but I know some things too, so I would appreciate if he would listen to my opinions as well. He is not responding to me, which is fine for me, I think he needs to cool down. I understand he was just trying to help me, I didn't think my text should have upset him that much? Do you think I was rude and attacking? And what should I do?
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (7 February 2015):
 Your bf sounds like my ex husband. We had fights like this all the time. In retrospect I realize that we just were not compatible. He needed someone to stroke his ego all the time, and make him feel like he was king of the jungle, and I was a total beatch about it.
You sound like a strong, intelligent woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to speak her mind. You did nothing wrong. You were not rude or attacking. You were direct and assertive. You can apologize to him and say things to make him feel better, but if he behaves like this every time you question his advice or instructions, I can guarantee your patience will wear thin. I really think compatibility or incompatibility is the issue here. You should not compromise who you are to appease him all the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): You had every right to be annoyed that he didn't listen; and that is justified by the fact that he introduced a virus into your computer.
You both kept going back and forth about it, until it became a power-struggle. You made reference to his "male-ego" in your post; because his "ego" is your usual target. Through a "Freudian-slip," you made that unequivocally clear!
It wasn't enough to simply ask him if he knew how to remove the malware? If he didn't, then you could have asked him to pay for a professional to clean and debug your computer.
When someone makes a mistake in the process of doing you a favor, you use tact and diplomacy to express your concern.
You don't go in for the attack. You admit you warned him over and over? That was the problem. It became nagging.
You were presenting a challenge or a dare. So he crossed the line you drew in the sand to prove a point. He doesn't like it when you speak condescendingly to him. You don't like it when he boldly stands-up to you. He tripped over his dick in the process; so you went in for the kill.
You both started dragging things up out of the past, and you hit him with how your "female" personal-trainer went on to be such a big shot. So nah...nah...nah!!! Seriously?!! You both behaved like a couple of school children!
Just leave him alone and let him cool off. He is embarrassed that he did something sort of stupid; because he was trying to impress you with his computer savvy. You had to let him know how unimpressed you are.
This silly stuff is only on the surface. There is a bigger issue beneath it all. You were a little mean; but I'm not cutting either of you any slack. He was truly knuckle-headed, but he didn't mean any harm. That was incidental.
You both are struggling for the position of authority within the relationship. You're trying to prove to him; just because you're female and asked him for help, doesn't make him smarter or superior to you in any way. He is trying to show you he's not stupid, and your cheap-shots are emasculating and hurtful.
You have a high note of sarcasm in your delivery; even in your post. It's not because you're rude; you're just very direct. You have to tone-down the directness to suit the occasion. You simply don't scold someone in the process of doing you a favor!!! Using "assertiveness" you could have still issued a warning; while still showing your appreciation. You instead used aggression to drive a point.
You may as well have kicked him in the balls for screwing up.
You both need to learn when a verbal-exchange is getting out of hand, and when to stop! I know you didn't mean to come-off in the wrong way. However; the poor line of communication between you, is an indication of a lot of disrespect both ways. That is the "virus" infecting your relationship.
Even when you're angry, never forget you are still talking to your loving boyfriend who has feelings; and he is still talking to his beloved girlfriend, who also has feelings. When you start forgetting that, and getting too easily annoyed with each other; that means your relationship is nearing the expiration date. It only declines from this point.
I'm going to lay it out for you straight, girlfriend.
You wanted to clobber him for having the nerve to remind you he was doing you a favor. He is over-sensitive and sort of boyish. That annoys you, and that's the soft-spot you always aim for. He is used to you being a little catty when he makes mistakes; and neither of you know when to back-the-hell-off!!! You both act as though you've been chosen as representatives of your entire gender; and you have to prove who's the wiser.
So you are both incompatible to some degree.
You should both apologize to each other. Ask him if he will go halves on hiring a professional "geek-squad" to cleanup your computer, and thank him for trying.
Technically, it really isn't that difficult to remove malware or ad-cookies. The computer didn't crash. If it is a particularly stubborn infection, your entire computer will require a professional-cleaning. If you don't know much about computers, it's probably over-due a good cleaning anyway. General browsing introduces the same kind of malware and spam.
Try to get past your anger. Tell him you know he was trying to help; but you both should have been more respectful of the others feelings.
After you get your computer fixed, kiss and make up; then have crazy wild make-up sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for really helping me understand. I am really clueless sometimes about the male pride and male ego!!! I didn't mean to hurt him and I listened to all of you and really apologized because we just kept arguing and it was getting ridiculous. He said he understand I wasn't trying to hurt him in purpose, and I just need to be more careful with my words and manners sometimes, but that I am an amazing, wonderful person and he is crazy about me.
Thank you so much guys!!! Thanks for helping me! I am really stubborn!!!!! If you have more advice please do share!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 February 2015):
 Here's the thing. You're right, but I understand why he feels the way he feels. It's time you put on your big girl shoes and be the bigger person here. Because this needs to get fixed ASAP, and you're doing all the wrong things. My guess is because you are stubborn, which is a fault of yours, but you need to get over this if you want a working relationship.
What happened here, and in the case of the gym, is that you emasculated him. And that is a BIG no no. That's as bad as when a guy tells a woman she's good for nothing but childbearing. You emasculated him, and the ONLY way to fix it is to give him back a sense of his manhood.
He needs to know you will follow him like he was some hero in a movie saving you from a burning house. He needs to know you admire him, look up to him respect him. And most of all, he needs to feel like he is important and that you can't live without him. You need to play the damsel in distress in order to restore his manhood.
Then, after it is restored, be careful in how you treat him when it comes to these matters. Yes, I am sure your gym teacher is correct, and of course you should follow what she says. But your boyfriend isn't necessarily incorrect, and you can try some of his techniques as well, rather than point out how wrong you thing he is. If you think what he does is potentially harmful, then you can ease your way out of it by saying something like "I am unsure about this technique as I have not worked out in this way before and I am not so experienced. I would feel more comfortable if I just observe how you do it this time around, and then use my own technique for now". Rather than "I don't think you're right, I don't trust you, my teacher does it different and I think she knows best". Do you hear the difference?
As for the example of your mac. Yes, he shouldn't have installed the software, his bad. But he didn't know it'd cause pop ups or annoying messages. He did it in good faith, and you should give him some credit for that, rather than just complain. I am sure he did other things that HELPED, rather than just cause pop-ups. I am sure it can be removed. But if you claim to know so much about it, and know that it caused the problems, and know it is so hard to get rid of, then you seem to know perfectly well how to google it and get it removed YOURSELF. Next time, just do this, remove it, WITHOUT yelling at your boyfriend about it/punish him for it. What you did, that text you sent him, was a punishment. I see it that way, and he saw it that way. You should have told him about your problems with it instead, and asked him for help in a nice manner (yes, you need to be polite even if it was installed against your wish, he's not some IT-man you hired who you paid to do the job... he did it as a favor).
Apologize and ask him nicely for help, explain how you need him and can not do this without him. This will help your situation. Swallow that pride. If you want a working relationship, some times you need to be the bigger person and not insist on something just because you feel you are in the right. Remember that he is your partner, your ally, not a hired IT-person who you paid to do a job and where you can complain if the job wasn't done right. If you want the right to complain about a job not well done, then you need to take your mac to a professional next time. Save your relationship more arguments of this sort, they are completely unnecessary.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 February 2015):
 You both seems VERY stubborn. YOU both want, what you want, HOW you want it.
Yes, in hindsight downloading the Mac-thing was a bad idea. YOU both should have researched before DL. That way you could have shown him the "this is actual malware" not helpful software. Saying I don't want it, but I can't remember why - might have been construed by him as you just being obstinate and picking a fight because here is something he "supposedly" is better at.
Restore your MacBook yourself to a week or so before he installed it, and YOU follow the steps to remove everything yourself, that way if it gets messed up, it's your laptop and your doing.
I've had my kids DL stuff they got a pop-up from in one of their games and it ended up worming through everything, making my computer slower then a snail on salt. I can't BLAME them, they are kids. I restored it, did the research on how to remove added crap that didn't go away at restore and fixed it myself. I could have asked my husband as he is a little more "technical" than me, but.. he has (in the past) done more harm then good with this "technical" improvements.. lol So I have LEARNED the hard way to RELY on myself for those. Having testicles doesn't make them "better" at these things.
You keep saying:" I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and I trust you know what you are doing", but in the same breath you are telling BUT YOU FRACKED UP my computer!! And his PRIDE is hurt.
You are telling him off like he is 5 years old. And I think that, and the hurt pride is what he is resenting.
However, once you told him hey that stuff you put on my computer ( =that I really didn't want...) it's malware and messing up my Mac - he should have... SAID Well, let's have a look and see if we can remove it. And you BOTH should have ended the DEBATE/FIGHT right there.
As for him bringing the argument over to something else.. like your work-out is him trying to assert his "dominance" that he can be "right" too and that YOU can be "wrong". You are both so focused on the WRONG part of this incident. WORK together on how to fix stuff, it's not a I'M RIGHT - no I'M right!!
I can see him in the future NOT wanting to help you. And I can see you two not working together solving problems.
He made a DUMB mistake by putting something on your laptop he HAD NO CLUE about. And you... won't hear the end if it.
I'm NOT saying you should apologize any more - you already did. Even if it was kind of an empty apology.
TALK to him and perhaps without CONSTANTLY bringing up the past? Instead of looking WHO to pass the BLAME to, LOOK at working together to FIX things.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 February 2015):
As an IT person, if you told me you don't want something on your system based on a "feeling", it's not the most convincing thing in the world. It's not like you had a good reason before he installed it. I'm pretty sure anyone would have listened to you if you knew before hand why that program was bad. But hey macs don't have viruses....
Anyway, this is not about the system. Obviously you both have some issues with the other one listening to the other and his pride has indeed been hurt. I'd imagine some women might not take a man's pride seriously but it goes both ways in a relationship. Let him cool down and perhaps you both can find out why you are both being aggressive with each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): First things first your boyfriend tried to help you will your computer right? In my opinion I believe he should have told you more about the app and asked your permission to download it before all of this occurred . Second of all he should have listened when you had your reasons on why you didn't want it that way he might have been more understanding. Third of all you were right on telling him you wanted the app off your lap top because it was giving you grief. Personally it looks to me as if he doesn't care what you think and is over reacting because you were not being rude or attacking. He might not understand that you really don't like it and if he really cared about you he would listen and get rid of the app so therefore you were in the right he was in the wrong. Hope this helps love Cupid agony aunt xx
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