A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. My boyfriend isn't violent at all and he loves me very much, but when we go on our bed to cuddle and stuff, he's really really rough. He always squeezes me, pulls on me, pinches me and stuff and it really hurts. I've told him to stop countless times and even though he always apologizes and says he'll try his best, he does it again and again and says he can't control himself because it's how he shows his affection. I always express to him that I really hate it and don't get any kind of enjoyment out of it, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm honestly sick and tired of him touching me in ways that I don't like, and making me have to have the same conversation with him a hundred times over. What should I do to make him stop?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 February 2015):
 I don't mean to scare you, but at this point, you need to leave him and do it now. Seriously, GET OUT of this relationship entirely, because it is GOING to get worse.
It is NOT normal for a guy to hurt a woman during loveplay unless both are into it. He's getting off on his dominance and control of you. It will escalate like it's doing, and he sucks up your distress because it's sexually exciting to him.
He says he can't control himself because he doesn't WANT to. He's "apologizing" to keep you in his bed. This is dysfunctional, and soon he will stop apologizing. Next it'll be light slaps. Then a belt. Then maybe the taste of your blood. Then maybe he'll dream about the time where you're screaming at him to stop, and he blows right through your protests. In fact, your protests turn him on even more, making him more and more violent.
Do you really want to be with a guy who can't "control" himself?? Do you know how creepy that sounds?? What if he decided no birth control because he "couldn't control" himself? What if he lost his temper with you because he "couldn't control" it??
You do NOT want a guy who would happily admit a loss of control where hurting you is concerned. You do not play around with it. You do not "train him". Doesn't work that way. A guy who gets off on being rough with you won't respond to "get away from me" except with increasing your discomfort and causing more pain.
A real guy would have pleasing you in mind. All of us have had a guy who got accidentally too rough! It happens -- they have rough hands and muscles...and whiskers! But the common refrain is that when a woman gets hurt or a little too manhandled, a guy usually finds it easy to get really gentle, and soon as both explore each other's bodies, everyone's in tune. Guys do that when they don't know their own strength.
"Can't control" is another matter. That means he WANTS your pain for his own sexual excitement.
I say get the hell out of this relationship before you really get hurt. Forced anal sex while you cry isn't far off on your horizon, because he just can't control himself. pfft.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): It's no good telling him after, you do what the others say and if he's hurt you, you get up and tell him that you're not into it anymore because he is hurting you.
You keep doing it until he gets the picture, because he will be able to control it when he realises you are getting up and sleeping somewhere else in the house everytime he does it.
It's not affection to hurt someone.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (7 February 2015):
 I agree with Aunty BimBim and Honeypie, and I like SVC's advice too, but I wouldn't hold it as a punishment (other than leaving the room) because he may break up with you or cheat on you, by making it your fault (which it isn't at all) and you shouldn't give him the satisfaction.I'd give him one more chance - i.e, next time he does it, you say "stop it now, please; it hurts and I'll leave if you do it again". The next time he does it, whether it's 2 minutes or 2 days later, you break up with him and mean it. If you do give him a second chance, that literally means you break up for good if he does it again. The moment he does it, you say "that's it - you didn't learn, don't care how I feel and I'm not being disrespected by you any more" and stick to it. No more chances after that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 February 2015):
 He sounds like a brute. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that gentle is best. If he refuses. dunp the dude.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2015):
 I agree that you need to get up out of the bed the very first time he is too rough.
He pinches you get up put on your robe and say "session is over you can't comply with my needs' we can try again in 24 hours.
then walk out of the room and do not let him touch you for 24 hours.
the next time he's too rough same thing (if he does it in the very next session I would cut him off this way that second time: "oh I'm sorry i see you have not yet learned what I need/want. I'm leaving again we can try again in 48 hours"
and then leave.
if the next time he can't manage it... consider that he really only cares about himself... and then you are at 72 hours no physical contact.... I'd consider that he can't help himself and you are sexually incompatible and should end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2015):
 You GET off the bed and walk away. EVERY fracking time. HE knows you don't like and he doesn't give a fly's fart about HOW you feel. The whole "that is how I show affection" is a BS excuse. It's sorta equivalent to a violent/abusive person saying:" I hit you because I LOVE you, so suck it up!"
Personally, though I would consider just ending it. Because? YOU can not change him. He KNOWS you don't like it, but he KNOWS that you don't DO anything about it, so you "must" really like it after all... It's disrespectful and really immature.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 February 2015):
 Its a lack of respect, you have discussed it with him numerous times, he knows you don't like it, you've told him it hurts and what? He keeps doing it.
It wont stop, so, if he is the man you expect to live the rest of your life with, accept that you are going to be sexually hurt, with the strong possibility of his behaviour becoming worse, over the next 50 years, or leave him.
Leaving him might be just what he needs to wake up to himself, so if you leave and he promises to change and you take him back, you need to remove yourself from that relationship the very first time he re-abuses, because he will ..... just get out of bed, put on your clothes and tell him "Eff You, I'm going to find somebody who respects me".
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