A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do you consider cheating? I'm sure this is a common question but I have a particular situation in mind, and I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend in the slightest.We've been together for 14 months, and are completely in love. Recently, I've started talking to my ex again, I'd like to meet up with him, without telling my boyfriend because I know the fact that I want to see him - even just on a friendly basis - will hurt him. I don't intend to go further than friendship with this guy; I'd just like to attempt to regain the friendship we had before our relationship and specifically before I ended it. I know lying is never 'ok', but do you think I should do this?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Anything you can't tell your partner or do in front of your partner is detrimental to a relationship, In my humble opinion.
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Sometimes you have to sacrifice things in order to make someone you love happy. Honestly, I wanted to keep in contact with my ex, to see how his life goes. I am still dieing to know if he even found a new gf yet, but I don't. And I won't. It's not worth satisfying my curiosity to give my husband something to worry about.
~SY
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I completely believe you that you're over your ex, and I think that your desire to find the old friendship is innocent.
However, I think you need to be really careful here. Friendships with exes can work, but they are quite rare. All too often, there are still residual feelings (positive or negative) on one side or the other than get in the way of a friendship. I give you absolute credit that you don't feel anything towards your ex - but are you sure he feels the same way back? Can you be absolutely certain that the meeting is entirely platonic on both sides? Because meeting an ex who isn't over you would be bad for everyone concerned here, and I would not recommend it on any count!
OK, so let's imagine for a second that the answer to that question is yes. You are both completely over each other, and you can just meet as friends. Now you have to think about your boyfriend. Do remember that it's a very big ask to request that your current partner should be OK with an ex still in your life. Your boyfriend's feelings about this are really quite natural and normal. That doesn't mean you can't pursue the friendship, but it does mean that you will need to put in some work to assuage his doubts and anxieties! I'm not saying it can't be done - just that you're going to need some finesse here! Fortunately, you sound like the kind of sensitive and thoughtful person who might just be able to pull it off.
One thing I definitely wouldn't recommend is simply moving ahead without telling your boyfriend. The chances of your meeting with your ex coming to his knowledge are quite high - what happens if a friend of his sees you in a cafe together and he hears it first from someone else? What happens if you want to keep up the friendship and eventually have to tell him that you've been meeting up for some time? Or if he stumbles across a Facebook message, or an email, or a text, that reveals it? If you don't tell your boyfriend you're doing this, and he finds out, he will feel that you have deceived him. Even though you will have done done absolutely nothing that resembles cheating, the hurt he will feel that you've disguised this from him will be ever so much greater than the hurt he'd feel if you were just open with him from the start, and told him your plans. You don't want to lose his trust in you, and being open is the only way to be sure of avoiding that.
Also, it's not very healthy for a relationship to get into a pattern of lying and mistrust. For a start, the very fact that you've asked this question suggests that you are the kind of person with moral fibre and a real conscience. I think you will probably feel terribly guilty about this the whole time - and that's not good for you! Sneaking around is no fun, and it's a bad habit to get into with someone you love.
A better strategy might be to sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that you have received a message from your ex. Tell him that you have absolutely no feelings for the old partner, and that you both moved on a long time ago. Make sure he's in no doubt that you love him, and only him. Say that you felt that it was extremely important to be open and honest with him about this, because you did not want him to get the wrong idea about it and think that there was anything 'going on'. Make clear that his love and trust are the most important things in your life. Then explain that you'd quite like to meet up with your ex as friend and catch up a little. It might really help your case if you offer to bring him to the meeting with you. Yes, I know it sounds weird and your mind probably does a back-flip at the very idea of your partner and ex being in the same room, but it's a surefire way to make him realize that there's nothing going on. If you don't mind him being there, there can't be anything other than friendship happening, right?
Alternatively, if it's easier to keep the first meeting between you and your ex, explain this but say that you'd like to introduce your ex and boyfriend at a second meeting if things go well. For your safety and his peace of mind, make sure your boyfriend knows exactly where and when you will be meeting, and make sure you don't overrun and leave him in agonies of doubt about what is going on!
With careful handling, this is a situation you can navigate. But please be careful that your own motives and those of your ex are very clear. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a good relationship, and you don't want to jeopardize that. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 June 2010):
No, I do not. For a good reason. You're willing to deceive your boyfriend, and you know it will hurt him to know y're speaking to an ex again. You're going to hurt your boyfriend and deceive him. That's a bad sign on your behalf. I know that 99% of guys would panic if their girlfriend started speaking to an ex and deceived them about it. And 99% of women would do the same. You're jeopardizing your relationship with this guy for your ex. I would stop if I were you, or you're liable to end up without the guy you love
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