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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello everybody. I am seeking some advise from you. I am a 21 years old female and recently i've been dealing with something that trully botheres me. I have been in relationships before, and i have taken my time, plus the guys were always very nice to me.. so it's not like i have not been comfortable around them. But that's the thing, every time i started dating them, everything was perfect... i love being taken by the hand, stealing kisses, cuddling and snuggling in the bed all night long, exchanging cheesy and over the top romantic words. But it all stops there. I do NOT feel the need to go further... i don't want to either. I feel comfortable just with that. So could i be asexual? Because i like to be close to them, i like to share body warmth (cuddles as i have said), even kisses.. but when it comes to the actual intercourse, i don't feel any kind of interest. I don't see anything special in sex per se, and i don't mind if it lacks actually. I'm not really having sexual thoughts either.. but i do like romance.... and that's so contradicting to me! So what do you think? Could it be that i am asexual? And if so, would i (ever) be able to find a partner, who'd accept having a relationship without the actual sexual act in it? Many would say, 'well that's not a relationship'.. but at the same time, i like to think, love and sex are two different things anyway. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): It does sound like you could be, I'm asexual and can relate to a lot of what you say. Obviously the longer you go without feeling attraction, the more likely it is you are asexual. In your 20s it's possible you haven't met the right person, but get to 30s/40s then it's very, very unusual to have never felt attraction by that point.
I wouldn't listen to the people here who say it's definitely not asexuality, because it is a possibilty (personally I hate it when people just dismiss my feelings and act as if they know me better than I know myself). You won't believe how many times I heard "oh it will happen when you meet the right person" and many years later it still hasn't happened. It's also not related to orgasms or sexual enjoyment, it's the lack of desire/attraction to do anything sexual with another person in the first place.
There's really no need to label yourself, you don't have to commit to the lifestyle. Just go through life doing what you feel happy/comfortable with. I believe there are dating sites for asexuals but I won't lie, it's extremely difficult to find someone. Many asexuals I know of will have sex just to keep a partner, but they never enjoy it.
Join AVEN, it might help answer some of your questions.
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 I used to be exactly like you and even joined up on AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network - google it)as a member. I later realised that it had something to do with the fact that I was sexually abused as an adolescent. But it all changed with time and even though I now have a low sex drive, I am not asexual. I'm not saying it has to be the same with you. You might be genuinely asexual. But take some time to find out. Experiment a bit and if you don't like it, you don't do it. Finding an asexual partner is difficult but not impossible. About 2% of the world's population is asexual so it's a question of locating other such individuals. Start with AVEN for advice and help...and like me, you might want to change your mind someday and renounce membership, like I did. All the best!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 You are not asexual, you've just not met the right person, someone you really WANT to have sex with. Its a good thing actually, there's no rush to sleep with anyone just for the sake of it. Take your time, there's nothing to worry about.
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A
male
reader, xgod  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 It is possible some key part of your life when you were younger may have turned you off psychologically to sexual activity. There is nothing wrong with loving companionship: cuddling, snuggling, etc. as you describe. Romance is something you should enjoy and not over-think with lack of sexual desire.I have a few qualifying questions for you:Have you every had an orgasm?Have you ever had sexual intercourse?If you have had sex with a man, has he done anything which would arouse you sexually?Love and sex ARE two separate things. Love is desire, passion, and caring for one another in companionship. Sex is the act of consummation of intimacy or just the need to release tension or to procreate.If you have never had an orgasm, you should try relaxation techniques and let yourself go. Massage your pubic bone, your labia, your clitoris, and enjoy the sensations. If your partner of choice is the kind of person who focuses on finishing their own enjoyment of orgasm before you are even partially excited, you need to explain your needs to that partner and have them take some time out of their self-interest to be with you and focus on providing full stimulation and pleasure to you.Lack of desire can be normal. However, it is very possible you have not experienced a mind-blowing orgasm from sexual activity with your lover.Make that a goal and you will find so much happiness that will only ADD to your current level of comfort with cuddling and sharing body heat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): When you feel a strong enough attraction for the right person you will know and you will want to have sex / make love.
Don't be in a rush - there's no rule that says you have to have sex with everyone with whom you are intimate.
I honestly wouldn't worry.
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