A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and this guy were meeting up nearly everyday for a few weeks( we got very close in this time and he hinted on numerous occassions that he felt strongly towards me)and then he went on holiday and we simply cooled it all down when he got back ( not to my liking though). he was so distant. he got back a couple of months ago now and in that time ive probably only seen him 3 or 4 times. now he will no longer speak to me after finding out i slept with another guy recently. even though at the time i was very much single. ( i hadn;t even seen or spoke to him for about a week). in my head it was over. he made no effort to contact me or see me. so i saw nothing wrong with this.now things have got worse..i slept with one of his close friends.. i feel awful for this!!! but i feel more awful at the thought of him ever finding out. his friend promised not to say anything, but hes a guy... so obviously that promise means nothing. i realllyyy don't want the guy i was seeing originally to find out. sleeping with his friend was a big mistake and i greatly regret it. but i still like him and so i suppose i still want there to be hope of us getting back together or at least on speaking terms. do you think it is likely his friend will tell him?? his friend was in the wrong too as he knew i had a connection with him. i hope this will stop him saying anything. also..do you think that he will ever get over the fact i slept with someone WHILST WE WERE NOT TOGETHER!! i do not understand why he is angry about this, but since he is..i'm hoping he will get over it in time and forgive me. although i feel he has no right, and others agree with me, to get angry at this since we were not together at the time. thanks for listening. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so theres kind of a new update. he rang me at about 4 this morning.. and when i answered the phone some girl was there asking who i was and just chatting on..then she passed the phone to him and he started asking if i was with any boys and if i was with the guy i 'cheated' with. i kept saying no..that i was in bed..and in the end he just hung up.
he was clearly drunk..but i don't understand why he got the girl to speak to me? was it to try n make me jealous?? and also why is he still checking up on me? i don't think anything would be going on with this girl cos i dont think many girls would stand 4 calling a guys ex to make her jealous. but when i text him tonight asking what the call was about he didnt reply!! im so confused!!! please help. x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): I am the same anonymous male again.
This is exactly the point. Most men's emotional programming doesn't draw very much distinction whether your relationship was declared "on" or "off."
If this didn't bother your BF's ancestors a million years ago, then they could still have been unknowingly raising the other guy's kid about half a year later. No matter what the "official" status of anything was when something happened.
Oh sure, your BF can intellectually understand the difference between what's fair and what's not. In fact I'm pretty sure he does understand it right now. But his brain understanding that this is illogical doesn't make his heart hurt any less emotionally. His brain never had any choice about it.
By the way I did not say this was a problem with his hurt ego. It's not. I said that him holding this against you isn't any kind of fun thing for his ego. That's not why he's doing it. He would still hurt over this, ego or not.
I think it's a misunderstanding to blame this issue on ego or insecurity. There are plenty of men who are otherwise extremely non-ego-driven and secure in every way, but this issue still bothers the hell out of them. It's just a natural difference between men and women. No matter how much trouble it causes, unfortunately it's still perfectly logical for our brains to have evolved this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the responses..but could i also make it clear that we were definately not going out when this took place. he made it clear to me that he was not after a realtionship and so i did not see any harm in going out and meeting other guys. i do not know if this will make a difference to any of your answers...however the last response off an anonymous male states that i hurt his ego as he was by boyfriend at the time..he was not and so it's not really cheating is it? do you think he will ever be able to put it all behind him and begin to talk to me again? x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): He'll never get over it because he's male. We're bred for a million years to hurt over this.
Re-read what I just wrote again. I didn't say that we're bred to enjoy it when we get our way. I said we're bred to HURT over it when we don't.
There is NOTHING fun about this for your BF. It's not pleasing his ego to be self-righteous and unfair, he's just trying like hell to cope with feelings he's stuck with now.
So please try to have a little understanding when you tell him to "just get over it." Because he naturally can't. It was never up to him to decide how he feels about it. He gets angry because these feelings emotionally HURT him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Let's see if I understand you correctly: he went on holiday and then was very distant after he got back a couple of months ago, so that you only saw him a few times since his return.
You decided that it meant you were no longer a couple and so you felt free to sleep with one of his friends. Now you're afraid the friend will tell him about having sex with you.
Don't you think you should have made some effort to at least talk with him to find out where things stood BEFORE you went out and had sex with someone else?
Too late now. The fact is that sometimes when an affair starts out hot 'n heavy the "fire" can die down fairly quickly and the interest is no longer there. This may well have been what happened with your boyfriend - notwithstanding the fact that he hinted at having strong feelings for you. Unfortunately, it may be that he wouldn't particularly care one way or the other if he finds out you slept with his friend.
In your case, I'd just leave things alone and see what happens. IF he does call you and wants to get together again, then you might want to think whether you want to tell him what happened - which would be for the best, if you have any hope at all of developing a more serious relationship with him. Its true that doing this would mean you take a risk of losing him completely - but if so, then I think you have to take the attitude of "so be it." Why? Because a relationship that isn't based on honesty, trust, and for him, willingness to forgive you and give your friendship a chance, IS NOT ONE WORTH HAVING.
I know this is hard to hear, and harder still to do. Think seriously about it.
However, if you do NOT hear from him, the good news is you need do nothing further! Because, if he has lost interest, the likelihood is he won't call. Then what? Well, take a lesson from it, bite back your tears and go on with your life!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): He has to undestand that you are free to do what you want with your body since you were not together, and if he fails to understand that then you shall move on and find someone who deserves you and respects you. My advice is to move on as this guy sounds like troubles, and if you felt that he is going to make any troubles during the break up report him to the police immediately and get protection. He has to learn how to respect you as a simple step to be worth of you. Don't let him abuse you emotionally or physically hun, if he did anything of that then you must report him. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): All you can do is talk to this guy, and tell him that you didn't realize he thought you were together when the event happened. If he is still angry, try explaining to him tht you have feelings for him. All he can do is be mad, or forgive you. Give him the opertunity to forgive you, and mend the relashonship. If he chooses to pout like a child, wash your hands of him, and find a man who is worthy of your love and affection. Best of luck Sister Sue!!!
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