A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 1 yr, 8 months now.I know its probably still soon, but I do love him.The thing is.. I think we want 2 seperate kind of lives. He dated an older woman [whom already had kids by someone else] before me [his only previous relationship]. He proposed to her, she rejected him in a horrible way. One night a few months ago, we got into an argument and he basically asked me what I had plans for life. [Which I dont exactly know, but I have dreams]Anyhow, he basically said .. 'I dont plan on ever marrying you'...That hurt. I mean, I understand it may still be too soon, but does he really mean that? Did his rejection from his previous proposal hurt so bad, he doesnt want to do it again in fear he'll get rejected again?Another thing is, a little over 5 months ago, I got pregnant. I, was kinda excited about it. [Because before my current bf, I was in a 4 year long term relationship, where I was actually TRYING to get pregnant, but couldnt] Well at 10 weeks, I had an abortion.In a very few ways, I wanted to have the abortion.[wasnt financially stable, was the biggest reason I went through with it]I think in ways my bf insisted I get an abortion. I mean, he didnt tell me I had to get one to stay with him. He would of stayed with me either way. He just wasnt no way near ready. He hasnt done his 'living' yet. What im getting at is, I still think about it. I get depressed about it quite easily. [I dont let him know, cuz I dont want him to feel guilty about it]But I have 2 friends from HS that are pregnant now. It just makes me sad.My bfs friend likes to make jokes about abortions/dead babies and well my bf laughs at them.=/ Does he feel the same way?I want to be a wife and a mother one day. [not necessarily today, but ONE DAY] and I dont think he does. Well, I know he doesnt.But I care about him and Love him.Do you think he'll ever change his mind?Or should I move on with life?
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 It could be the rejection but I still think you want different things and should maybe think about ending this relationship instead of waiting and hoping he will change his mind.
Do get help about the termination as you need to go through the grieving process or it will stay with you for a long time. You will still never forget but at least understand why you made the decision x
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Hi there, Well there are a few things here that are interesting about your boyfriend. First of all , did you ask him to marry you? If not why did he out of the blue say he would never marry you? Sounds as if, in this instance, he is rejecting you, because the woman he proposed to, rejected him, and he wants to retaliate because he is immature for one thing. Next of all, the way he told you was very mean. So he does not regard your feelings, otherwise he would have found a better way to say it, or not at all. He says he is basically not interested in children, because he has not done his "living" yet, to me that means running around, now there is a contridiction here, one, he proposes to a woman who has children, who would require parental care. He does not want children. Second he wants to do his "living", the two things are not in snyc. You also say you want to get or be pregnant, before marriage, trying to parent a child by yourself, with no spousal support, what if you get sick, who would support and/or take care of the child. That is an awesome reponsibility, but it you want to then it would be your choice. Your boyfriend is immature based on your letter, he does not care enough about your feelings, to tell what he told you, and he wants to romp. Not necessiarly daddy material, seems a bit selfish. Your mind is telling you what is best for you, listen and take heed,
you are your own very best friend. Be happy that this man is not going to marry you ever, you are very lucky, even if you think you love him, he is not yet the person who would be the best one to consider marrying. Let him go his way na you go yours. Be as happy as you can be, and one of my favorite thoughts regarding relationships, is that I would not want to ever be with anyone who would not want to be with me, it would be their loss. Take care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question2 reasons [in my opinion] why he doesnt want to get married.
1. His parents were NEVER married & his dad left his mom when he was about 12/13 yrs old. Leaving his mom with his new born sister.
& 2. horrible rejection from previous relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): Most men say what they mean, they don't beat around the bush or have hidden meaning to their words the way women sometimes do........SO, based on his own words, your chances of marrying him are very slim. He obviously wanted to get married at some point, I doubt that has changed. People either do or do not see themselves married with children.
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A
female
reader, southernsweetie15 +, writes (26 July 2008):
I hate to not be able to sugar coat this more...
but if he doesnt want to marry you now he probably wont want to marry you 10 years from now... or even in a year...
you were totally right that you two want different things in life!
you want to be a mom and start a life with a family and stuff but hes not ready to let go of his previous relationship...
just find someone better who's looking for the same thing
they're out there
and about the abortion.. if he wanted to get rid of what wouldve been you and his child then who knows what else he's thinking..
i hope that helped a little bit
but just saying what i think of the matter
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): I am so sorry this is probably not what you want to hear; but based on the information suppied by you;
I agree with "rcn" get profesional counseling to deal with the pain and hurt of the abortion;DON'T suprress your feelings or emotions; it will haunt you forever; get HELP and learn how to deal with it; overcome it and cope with it; it is a mourning process on it's own; but you have to resolve this to be able to continue without it becoming "baggage".
I also suggest that you need to talk to this guy about the FUTURE; if he meant what he said; that he will never marry you; Vow, then you need to MOVE ON; it will be difficult;
BUT
rather now then later; you deserve the best; you should be with somebody that will love and cherish you; not use you;
I know this sounds harsh; BUT please start thinking about yourself and your FUTURE and your DREAMS;
I want what is best for you!
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 July 2008):
 Your boyfriend seems a bit cold. You can't predict how he may react down the road. I wonder what he means by not living yet. Does it mean not being tied down, and if so, with you how far will he allow himself to be tied down.
Sorry you chose an abortion. If I were you, I'd seek some professional grief counseling. I've worked with post abortion individuals. Those who don't seek counseling early have a high rate of developing long term mental issues. Do this for your own piece of mind and health.
I don't know about if he'll choose to get married to you. My initial thought would be a bit skeptical if he were too or not.
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