A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles. I am dating a guy for about 3 months now. He does not want commitment he sayd and he just says 'let's see how it goes'. We usually meet up on a Saturday for a drink or meal and maybe once during the week. My problem is how long do I carry on before I can tell whether it will be casual forever? Also, and this upset me a bit, he and his ex still speak and still argue, mostly via text but they do. She is the only person who contacts him on that number as it's an old work one and he has a new one and he promised to cut it off but he hasn't. Why is he keeping that phone when he could get a new sim card for £10 or just cut it and her off?? He said about two months ago he would bin that phone then he said it again at Christmas and the other say I saw loads of texts in there from them arguing about old issues from when they were together and him saying she let him down about some stuff etc ... When I asked him he said she texted him first but he seems really angry at her. I know I shouldn't have snooped but what other possible reason could there be for him keeping this old phone when she is the only person who contacts him on it? Do you think he still loves her and is just too angry to get back with her. More importantly am I wasting my time. We are both nearly 50 and divorced and I reallly want to look for an LTR. I know it takes a while to get to know someone but this doesn't bode well? I would be glad and grateful for advice especially from other women who have been in this situation and also men who have stayed in touch with their exes whilst dating other people - why do you guys do this?? I suppose it varies from person to person but all this is bugging me. I know they hardly ever see each other although they did meet up juat after Christmas and he said he did hug her and kiss her on the mouth goodbye and was talking to her on the phone (I was away with my family for Christmas, pre arranged before I met him and he had already planned to go to his son's). Thanks for any help. Glum lady :(
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 No he's not over his ex and apparently enjoys having contact with her, otherwise he would've ditched the phone. It's hard to be the "next girl" after a guy has been involved with someone and messy things are still going on between them. On the other hand, it's too soon in your relationship to push for too much committment at this point. Maybe he's needing some kind of closure and thinks he'll eventually get it. When I first became involved with my current b/f he was not over his ex either (though he claimed he was) yet they would e-mail each other over the title to her car, which she wanted him to give her, but he refused due to the amount of money she left him owing on the car when she took off. I eventually learned his "arguments" with her were nothing more than a smoke screen to keep tabs on her whereabouts and to have contact with her. After seeing him for about 8 months, I finally told him enough was enough and to send her the stupid title so we could get on with our lives. I don't think he ever did, but he did close his e-mail account and anytime she called the house after that, I deleted the messages she left for him, and removed the caller ID. She finally left us alone.
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 I think he is still getting his ex out of his system but I don't think you need worry. Although I am divorced my ex husband and I still send each other long involved texts fighting over stuff that happened in excess of 20 years ago. I still want to put my point across about how wrong he was and so does he. I would imagine your partner and his ex have morphed into friends and i don't think there is any romantic connection left between them. Constant fighting and bickering by text drains and kills a relationship.
If I were you I would continue having nice meals out and continue as you are. I really don't think for one minute he is going to get back with her. I do imagine however that he partly enjoys the bickering which is why he hasn't dumped the phone. I know I still do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): They sound like they really are still together im afriad. Most of the time when ex's stay in touch its because they still want each other but are too stuborn to admit it.
If you are really looking for a ltr then I feel that this will end up being a waste of your time.
Sorry
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): I ,myself never was in a situation like that, but my girlfriends were. With a men who wouldn't let go of their ex's, even having sex w.them from now and then. Your arrangement once during weekdays and one on a weekend, who's idea was it, His?
It's very typical for divorced or single guys who lived for quite a while by themselves not to get involved again in something serios, and have a certain schedule for dating, but nothing more. They are very happy w/this arrangment, as it leaves them free, they can do whatever they want on a"days off", even have couple other women like may be once a month. They basically entertain themselves like this, but not looking for anything long term.
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A
female
reader, ShonaB +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Relationships rely heavily on communication, from what you've said so far, it sounds like he has been fairly honest with you so far about how he feels, maybe it's time you were honest with him too about how you feel? Us women often get on at men for ignoring how we feel, when very often, they aren't ignoring it, they just didn't know because we didn't tell them.
Whether or not he still loves his ex, if you can't communicate on a level where you can be honest with him and know for certain that he will respect your feelings, maybe he's just not the guy for you.
You deserve, as do all women, to be treated like a princess and made to feel special. If this guy just isn't "doing it" for you, maybe you should look for one who does. Don't let anyone affect your confidence or ability to be yourself... making sacrifices is part of a relationship too... but not at the cost of your own self esteem.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Leave him, there's no chance that this will become more serious. If he wanted something serious he'd have told you so, not said he wants to keep it casual. If you aren't looking for anything casual as well, HES NOT FOR YOU. It really doesn't matter if he talks to his ex on the phone or whatnot. He's not ready, or willing to have, a serious relationship right now. He enjoys your company, but you wont be missed. You'll be replaced by someone else just as casual.
Sorry, you have wasted 3 months already. Just be glad you didn't wait longer! This man has been very honest and up front, don't think that will change soon! He said he doesn't want a serious relationship, so believe him. Maybe later in time he will want to be more serious, but let him come to you then, when he's ready. In the meantime look for someone who can fulfill your needs.
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