A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:During a works party a co-worker expressed his feelings for me (I'm 45 and he's 49) - (I've had a crush on him for ages but I didn't realize he felt the same as I didn't think I was his type so put the signs from him down to my own imagination). He came to sit down next to me at the party, after a short conversation I jokingly said "you like me don't you" (I was tipsy and feeling brave) to my amazement he replied "yes I do, a little too much that's the problem I think you're fantastic you're intelligent, funny, quick witted, look great, you're edgy and I think about you all the time". He then went on to say although he has a Girlfriend he doesn't love her anymore and has never felt this strongly for anyone as he does for me but didn't want to be used for sex (I'm married)because he wanted more than that. I suggested that maybe we could see each other out side of work to see how things progressed. we were mulling this over but were interrupted and needed to part before the suggestion could be explored further. About four days later he text to say the suggestion couldn't work in the short term because we both knew where it would lead and that it couldn't work in the long term because of the damage and hurt it would cause to third parties and that there were others ways of solving the underlying problems in our relationships. I text to say I understood and would bow out gracefully. I text him a couple of days afterwards to ask if he wanted to meet to talk things over but he never replied. This all happened approx 4 months ago and until recently (past 6 wks) we have kept our distance. However lately I can feel the old situation/signs returning. We don't see each other at all outside of work so it's difficult to broach the subject. Although we were on a co-workers leaving do recently and he spent most of the evening staring at me and engaging me in chit-chat, I kept my distance a little because I felt that if he wanted to re-open the conversation he would have asked me to step outside. I had to leave straight after the meal so I don't suppose he had much of an opportunity to get me on my own. (or is this me wishful thinking?) I'm now in the process of planning my marriage exit strategy because the whole situation has made me realize I don't love my partner and I'm not prepared to spend another 20years living a lie. I think my co-worker has mentioned something to his close friends at work because when I enter their office they smile, say hi and then glance his way as if to see what his reaction is to me being there. (I think he may have told them how he feels on a personal level - but I'm not sure because he is generally a private person)I suppose my question is do you think he regrets not moving forward when the opportunity arose? Or do you think like I that he wants to be with me but his situation prevents it so he's simply trying to come to terms with it, make the best of a difficult situation and move on? I know he is still full of praise and admiration for me (in the sense of my expertise at work) because others tell me so. I don't want to make a fool of myself or go through the emotional turmoil of thinking he wants me only to find he doesn't. I'm a good person I shouldn't have these feelings for him, he's a good person we should never have had the conversation but the monster is out and I don't want to put it back again and I think he is struggling to put it back too.Any light you could shed on this situation will be very appreciated. thank you
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at work, co-worker, crush, has a girlfriend, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 April 2012):
 HI
He put it out there when in party mode,then in the cold light of day saw the hurt and problems it would cause and has kept his distance.
There is something there but he is not about to start anything.Work relationships are very tricky even when single so keep your distance from him,he has done the right thing.
Get your divorce if thats what you need to do for your happiness but don't do it to be with the other man,do it because you don't love your husband.You have to get your house in order first and formost and that takes time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): "Or do you think like I that he wants to be with me but his situation prevents it so he's simply trying to come to terms with it, make the best of a difficult situation and move on?"
Well, if he is still with his girlfriend then that means he doesn't really want that much to get with anyone new including you, right?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (26 April 2012):
I don't think he regrets it, in fact I think he feels relieved that he had the sense to stop it before anything further could develop. He probably saved himself, and you, a lot of pain and problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): I think you have made the right decision in planning to end your marriage, if you truly no longer love your husband then it's better to let him go so both of you can move onto more fulfilling relationships. Ending your marriage is the first thing you should do before you contemplate moving onto another relationship I think you should spend some time re-finding yourself. With regards to the co-worker I think he maybe is regretting not moving forward but he is also considering the situation or should I say consequences of moving forward with you are this time. I feel this is the main reason he is holding back. From what you say he holds you in high regard therefore maybe through getting to know you he realizes you are not the type to cheat, or maybe he feels it's "better the devil he knows" (i.e better to stay with his GF)Or maybe because you are married he doesn't want to leave his GF and become the "other man". I don't know what is feelings are but I do think he wouldn't have confessed his feelings if he didn't feel them strongly. People blame drink for all kinds of things but personally I believe many a true word is said when drunk as it lowers our inhibitions and loosens our tongues. For what it is worth I do think he cares deeply for you but I don't think anything should come of it at this time, you are both attached and cheating is cheating. Concentrate on your own happiness without either man and if in the future you too hook up great, but if you are leaving your husband you need to leave on your own steam and not in the hope that this co-worker will run into the sunset with you. But I think you already know that and are making your decision for the right reasons! Goodluck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): Always trust a man's actions (or lack of), never his words. Truth is, he could simply break up with his girlfriend..it's not a marriage. I think he let you down easy. Maybe it is time to end your marriage but I'd make that decision based on you being single when it's all said and done. From your crush's perspective, a married woman hitting on him like you did is not going to be any more appealing as a single woman. He knows how you act now in a marriage and he won't forget it.
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