A
female
age
30-35,
*ottongin
writes:My boyfriend recently 'went' back to the east coast where he's from, and there's no certainty if he will come back, or when. All of his stuff is still over here with me... but I can easily see him decide to stay over there and have all his stuff and car shipped. He was in the hospital basically since last october, had heart surgery two times (last time was this february), and his latest discharge was about 2-3 weeks ago. He's struggled with depression his whole life, but he's clearly depressed over there. At first we'd talk at least a little on the phone every day, then he just completely dropped off the earth, his phone was off and he wasn't on the computer. I finally got a hold of him yesterday after a few days and he admitted to being depressed. But it just sucks I can't do anything from all the way over here on the west coast, i am poor as ^^^k and I can't afford to go see him, and it completely sucks. Part of me feels like he'll just stop talking to me and stop loving me, but part of me knows that's just my paranoia, because we've been together over a year, and i know how much he loves me, when he's not depressed. I just want him to be actively trying to get help while he's there. And i know it's hard for a depressed person to take charge of that, and I have a feeling his family has kind of just dusted it off because they finally got him home and that's all that matters to them. I just don't know what to do. I wish he would talk to me more and make an effort since we now have to keep this long distance relationship going, but i understand that it's hard if he's depressed. But i'm just like sitting here every day thinking about him, and he never responds to my emails or texts, and never answers the phone. It's not necessarily a shady thing for him to do-- his phone never works half the time, and when he's depressed he tends to recluse. I just don't know what to dooooo.
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female
reader, cottongin +, writes (27 April 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the question I do have a relationship with his family as they stayed out here while all his medical procedures were also done while out here. I may contact his sister to see that he has an appointment with a psychiatrist set up as I think that's the most important thing in the world. We were together over a year before he left and wanted to get married almost from the moment we met the connection was too amazing. We almost had a child together too. We are both so in love, but I know he has gone through some life changing experiences lately and is depressed from that and just because he is naturally. And I keep telling him how it may seem like you've tried every drug on the market but there's always one other thing out there that could help. Always. So he needs to just have faith. Which I know is hard for him to have. Anyway I'm trying to find a financially fit way fore to get there some time next month my brother is graduating from school so it's not like the trip would have to be all about him and stress him out if it would. Sigh.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2012):
 “they took him off everything at the last minute” This is NOT good.. you have to be WEANED of psychotropic drugs…
I hate to tell you just how YOUNG 31 actually is. He’s so young to have a heart condition too. Two depressed folks (especially if one is not yet being properly managed) can be a disaster, you can feed off of each other…
I feel for you but there is not much you can do if you are not there… if his family is helping perhaps you can talk to someone in the family??
In addition to being LDR you guys are age gapped as well…. You have a million things going AGAINST this relationship…
Age difference
Distance
Mental illness
IF you were my daughter, I would so want you to walk away from this man. I understand that you can’t and won’t and I respect that… but if taking care of him is going to make you sicker, is it worth it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2012):
 There's not much you can do, I see why you are frustrated, but if he's been hospitalized and has heart damage, he needs to be in good medical hands. Do you have any kind of contact at all with his family? So that you could have a conversation with somebody about how he's doing, just to set your mind at ease as to his health?
In the meantime, try writing him an actual letter, something tangible that he can hold in his hands, so that there's a physical connection you make with him through the letter. Be encouraging and supportive in the letter and let him know that you care deeply for him.
A friend of mine had been misdiagnosed and waaaayyyy over-medicated by a pill-happy doctor and she wound up hospitalized as well. She's suffered from life-long depression and struggles every day. Finally, she got to a decent doctor who immediately realized the problem. It took a long time but she was weaned off all the unnecessary drugs and stabilized her mood. Could it be that he's going through a similar episode. My friend was just not able to do much of anything while she was recovering. She's doing great now, by the way, I'm so happy for her. It was a struggle, though. Which I guess is my point, that he's in a struggle and doesn't have a lot for anything but recovering.
Maybe the way to tackle this is to go around him and cultivate a relationship with his family, just to have another link to him, and a way to know if his medical care is up to par.
Again, if you suffer with depression as well, you must make sure you are taking good care of yourself as well. This is one of those times when you have to know what you can and can't do and let go of what you can't control. Learning to live with uncertainty is scary but liberating in a way. Maybe this is the lesson you need to learn now.
I hope he recovers fully and becomes communicative shortly!
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A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (27 April 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys,
He was being treated in the hospital for depression but none of the meds worked so they took him off everything at the last minute. Most of the focus was on his heart recovery. He's 31. He's not young. And I have. Upload illness a d depression as well but mines been treatable so far. So I understand and it's no burden to put up with him. I want him to continue getting help get a new psych but I did that job when he was here of making appointments but I can't when he's not talking to me hardly!! He does indent to go Back to work eventually and I'll go there or he will come here. We're both too poor at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
Is he actively seeking treatment for his depression? It sounds like he is under medical care, if he was just discharged from the hospital, so is handling the depression part of his recovery? Or is this a self-diagnosed and untreated condition he's experiencing?
Look, as someone who was diagnosed and treated for depression, I know that you have to treat it as an illness. There needs to be a plan to treat it, whatever form that takes and if he's not taking steps to do that, well, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it. Short of saving up, flying to see him and dragging him into his physician's office, I don't see that you can do much.
I think you may have to accept that he has an untreated medical condition that needs help and that all you can do is encourage him to get the medical care he needs. Keep yourself busy and occupied and don't become a recluse yourself.
Why did he move?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 April 2012):
Questions I need answered:
1. What is the plan to end the distance? Is he coming to you? Or are you going to him? Without a plan to end the distance there is no reason to keep the charade of a relationship going.
2. Is he living with his family or on his own? Is he working? Or getting disability?
3. And mostly (and NOT related to the distance) are you SURE that at your young age you want to take on the responsibility of a depressive? It gets very wearing to deal day to day with someone who struggles with illness whether it’s mental illness or physical illness… Its ONE thing to do after you end up as a couple and it comes on later in the relationship.. it’s a totally different thing if you are willing and knowingly taking on something that will SAP your energy and your life… a mentally ill partner will DRAIN you even if you are together day to day.. to try and do this LD is even harder… and to be honest if you have no funds I don’t see how this could really work out
There are things that LDRs need
1. Communication (you don’t have that with your partner due to his illness)
2. Trust (not your issue here)
3. Honesty (not your issue here)
4. Regularly scheduled visits (whether it’s every weekend, monthly bi-monthly or quarterly) I don’t have an issue with infrequent visits but to be honest if you guys cannot see each other at least once every three months.. Then really what kind of a relationship is it? I’ll tell you what it is… it’s a friendship…. That will wane over time… I just finished an LDR so I know what I speak of… thankfully we were able to see each other every weekend till we moved in together in December… without regular visits it’s not a relationship that is viable
5. AND FINALLY you need a solid PLAN TO END the DISTANCE… ONE or both of you have to move….
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A
female
reader, cottongin +, writes (26 April 2012):
cottongin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionModNote: correction effected to title. They made the title wrong-- I'm not depressed! He is! I'm just a little irritated.
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