A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have an unusual relationship with this guy, which is why I need help with it. Normally my relationships follow the same pattern - Guy likes me, I want to get to know more about guy, we get to know each other for about 6 months, he asks me to be his girlfriend, I say yes and maybe 3 months later we start sleeping together.But with this guy it's completely different and so I'm not sure where I stand. I'd really like some advice on whether he seems to be mainly interested in sex with me or could want more.Ok, we worked together for a year, but I tend to be pretty busy at work and hadn't really spoken to him much and never about anything not work related. But he told me later that he had always sat watching me and daydreaming about me in meetings (they were pretty boring meetings!). Then his girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him and they broke up. About a month later he starts talking to me more and complimenting me. We start getting closer and talking about our problems - him with his ex and me with my still current emotionally abusive boyfriend. He helped me get up the confidence to break up with my boyfriend and I felt wonderful, it was such a relief. So anyway, we've helped each other through a lot and we have a real connection because of all that we've shared. We started sleeping together without a commitment because neither of us was ready for that. Now we're long distance and only see each other once a month. We are completely honest and open with each other and so I know he hasn't been seeing anyone else in the past year. (I've told him it's ok for him to date so he has no reason to lie). For various reasons it's now been over 3 months since I've seen him and lately he's been talking more and more about sex. I can understand that 3 months is a really long time for him to go without sex, but it's making me wonder if that's what I'm there for. What do you think? And should he have asked for a commitment by now? He knows I've dated other guys, but none seriously because I don't feel for them the way I do for him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Maybe the two of you are each others rebound. Maybe it is more, always hard to tell.
Talk to him. Don't guess, don't over analyze. And last but not least, don't forget that men aren't mind readers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I don't think he is using you for sex, but seeing as how he recently got out of a five year relationship and you got out of an abusive one, I think you both were feeling pretty needy and you used each other to shore up your sagging self esteem, your broken hearts and your fear of being alone. It seems that you both accepted this relationship for what it was, so no one has done anybody wrong here.
If he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend then I would say that you can be dating other people. The fact that you are long distance is not going to make it likely that this relationship will get serious, unless one of you moves to where the other lives and that is something both of you will have to decide.
I think you are possibly being naive that he isn't having sex with other women while away from you, but he may not have any love interests, but the possibility is there that he will so prepare yourself for that.
If you want something more from this relationship, then you have to ask for it or tell him what it is you want and expect. If he doesn't want the same thing, that is OK, at least you will know where you stand and can keep dating other guys.
It really is your decision.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Well normally I would say yes he is just after sex, but this guy has helped you through a very tough time and he wouldnt've done that unless he cared about you.
What this post is really about is you are ready to commit to a full time relationship and you are concerned he isnt.
I suggest you put it to him, tell him your feelings and see what happens. The worse case scenario is he will tell you that he isnt ready which will let you know what his intentions are pretty quick.
Good luck.
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