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female
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anonymous
writes: I just moved to new york to live with my fiance three months ago (we have been engaged since december). We haven't set a date yet. Anyway, I'm working part time jobs while looking for a real estate job, and haven't found any luck. Im not that happy here, and I don't have enough money to help my fiance pay for the mortgage. Im paying for food, but since I also just bought a car I am going into debt pretty fast. I said I wanted to go back home to colorado to stay with my parents and try to make and save money while starting a career and being independent. We aren't going to end up living in New York since we want to live somewhere else in the future. For now, though, that's where his job is. Anyway, he said if I go back home we are unengaged. He is going back to co in january for about a month anyway because he has a business renting houses, he even has his own place that he is trying to rent. But he said he doesn't want to have to explain to everyone that he can only see his fiance two weeks of the year. Surely that won't be the case. But with him saying this it feels like he doesn't respect me or my freedom or anything. Im not that happy here away from my family and friends, and I just don't know what to do. Am I making the right decision? I love him but we have been fighting a lot. Most of it has to do with me not being able to pay rent and me getting upset that he is going to be gone for the whole month of january. I feel like he just picked me up and took me across the country just to leave whenever he feels like it. Is he not in love with me?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 Let's see this from a different angle: your fiancé's. His fiancée comes to New York to live with him, but, after three months, she wants to go back to Colorado to stay with her family, start a career, and be independent. Her reason is, she isn't working yet and is running into debt.
I'm sure this is not what you had in mind, but, it sounds like you want to dump him. I think this was his reason for saying that you'll be unengaged if you go back to Colorado.
I notice you haven't set a date for the marriage. Why not, if you've been engaged for ten months already?
If he is willing to marry you, and he knows you're not working full time yet, why would he demand that you buy the food? Maybe you can make a contribution, but I wouldn't expect you to cover a good deal of the expenses.
I suppose you two met in Colorado, since he has a home there. And, it seems you were willing to move to New York. I see you don't like the situation there.
Perhaps it would be good if the two of you were more flexible with each other and tried to work things out together, instead of simply pulling your own way and expecting the other to follow. It seems you want him to leave for Colorado, no matter what, and he wants you to live in New York, no matter what, either.
The right decision would be to think things through together.
Take care.
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