A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaJust need some advice please on a current situation...I have a lovely home and a lovely boyfriend who loves me completly - however, he has 3 children. I have told my boyfriend what I want out of life and he has always said he will do it with me - these are buying a house, getting married and having 2 kids. He has always said he will do this. However, he doesn't live with me but stays at my house 5 nights a week. He had his own house but unfortunately got made redundant so had to move back to his parents for a bit. I have told him to take the opportunity to save, he wants to get a better paid job. His kids stay at the weekend, and when we want to go out, his mum and dad never mind looking after the kids. He now has a okish job also.However, everyone in a while, he keeps on getting calls offering him a council house where he lives and he literally goes into turmoil!. I told him he has it perfect at the moment living at his parents, and next year we could move in together but I always say "he has to do what he wants". I said we should both move to the town nearby his kids, but I don't want to up sticks to his village where his ex lives and where I don't know anyone and takes about 45 mins to get to work. I think we should both comprimise. My question is, although he is saying he will do all these things with me, when it comes down to it, do u think he would?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Leading you astray how? As I've said, your not been clear to him or us about what it is you want and what your willing to compromise on?
After 3years what are you worried about. You worried he'll get a flat and then another woman to move in? Are you worried he'll never get married, or will decide not to have children.
Again, lead you astray how? And what is your time frame. Married by when, children by when... also what are you doing to move closer to your goals? If he's at your house 5days a week, he is almost living with you. Why do you two have to live apart? If your talking about marriage, what's the difference if you live together now or later?
As you can see, can't really give any answers, because there are so many gaps and information missing. I have a feeling, that you guys haven't made any proper plans about anything, and after being made redundant he is just taking one day at a time and not trying to plan his life.
Why don't you just go and have a serious talk with him about exactly when your going to make some serious plans to settle down and move on from just dating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): A nice home and two kids is what you want, but are you sure he does too? He may, in theory, but he has a past life with 3 kids to factor into the equation. Unless you get some positive moves from him, you may be in for years of frustration. Be realistic, can this man give you what you want? Don't waste too long on someone who may not share your long term view.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
If he takes the council flat and stays in it for a couple of years (I think four) he'll be able to buy it at a reduced rate but sell it for market rate. He'll make more money doing that than saving by himself. Also, council house rents are very low compared to the market and should be affordable if he lives by himself or even better if you and him live together and rent your house out. Taking the council house would give you two properties to play with, much more attractive to the mortgage company than a grown guy who still lives with his parents. Plus if he can move out, maybe his parents might be able to save the money he currently costs them and provide him with additional funds for a small deposit. Tell him to contact the council department and ask to see someone about housing and mortgages, because he could also get help if he is a key worker or take out a part mortgage/part rent. There are tons of schemes available and they will tell him what is best for him. Just buying on the open market is the most expensive way to gain accommodation.
You say "he should do as he wants", but at the same time you say "you know what I want, and you have promised to give me this and I will make you stick to these promises". You want him to be near his kids, but at the same time you don't want to move to near where they ... this is giving him mixed messages, I'm unclear at this point about what you want and what you don't mind.
Also a little worried about the demands for 2 children, not 3, not 1, but you must have 2... I hope this is flexible, because you might not be able to have any at all, or you might get sick and not want another one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I am the original poster!
Thanks for your advice but your making out that I am evil here! I have told him he can move in with me for next to nothing..yet he said its not practical.he doesn't have a lot of money either (which doesn't matter at all to me) and he is always saying how he wants a better life. I have tried to help him. All I am asking is do u think he is leading me astray? I love my man to bits and all I want is for him to be happy.
Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): What are you doing?
You can't tell a man your expectations and then tell him to live with his parents so he can save so he can buy you a house. That would make a man unhappy to have to live with his parents when he can be independant, self reliant, and want some pride in being a man that can provide. So yes he goes into turmoil because he also knows what you want and you will make him unhappy if he goes against what you tell him to do.
You can issue the statement "he has to do what he wants" but you and I and HIM KNOW ITS BULL. Its manipulative and dishonest.
I agree on the not moving so close to his Ex. Thats wisdom. It avoids drama and her meddling. Distance in such things are good, especially when dealing with an Ex.
Do you want a Man or a Puppet? Because the other stuff, having a house is nothing like having a loving man at your side. Mother Nature can rise up and take a house from you and all you will have at your side is the Man. And is he the type of Man that would stand by you, if you became ill and had no way of caring for yourself? Because if he is, then you can relent on having a house for HIS HAPPINESS.
Because a woman in deep, true love for her man wants to see him happy, and a man in truest of love, does what he can to have his woman be happy.
I think this BF of yours is a gentle, loving man but with the wrong woman, can easily be beaten to a weak man over a man that can be meek.
What matters more to you, the Man, or the House?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I don't think your expectations of him are realistic or fair. This guy has 3 kids and lives with his parents so he can't even keep up with his current responsibilities. I understand a house and 2 kids is what YOU want even if it breaks his back getting it for you.
Healthy relationships require mutual consideration and support. He may require more support from you to get to where YOU want to be. Maybe moving in with him with his parents, contributing to his bills, and help raising his kids might get him to the place where buying a new house is possible. The added responsibility of 2 kids will probably fall soley on you, seeing he and his parents are already raising 3 of his kids.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 From your submittal, I believe you are describing a very wishy-washy man who has no motive to change the way he is living his life because YOU are doing all the "doing" in this relationship.....
Please re-read your submittal and see if you might not be seeing a man who will never be a great partner, in the long run....
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