A
female
age
36-40,
*yboyfriendsacnt
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I've been with Steve over 1 year. I'd consider myself a fairly attractive and confident 26 year old, he's 31. We've had an extremely tough year so please bear with the long background info.I used to work with Steve then 8 months into our relationship I found out that he was still seeing 2 other women from before we started dating and they all thought he was faithful. I was FURIOUS! I told them both what their "bf" was really like!! Unbeknown to me, One of these women was an old client and was so upset when I told her that he was a rat that she made out I'd been sending her anonymous threatening emails and sent them to my boss. ( I hadn't ) Needless to say Steve and I got fired. Steve assured me he had ended the 2 relationships and really did try and prove that he wanted only me and would change. He stopped responding to the other women and really did make a big effort.. We then spent 2 months in each others pockets as we were both jobless.. It was understandably an intense time as we had to go to the police regarding the situation with losing our jobs / his ex and the anonymous emails after all of this i was understandably a bit of a mess and toyed with the idea of leaving London to move back to my hometown for a while But in the end i decided to stay as We'd been through a lot and despite everything that happened he was still fighting to be with me and I did love him..we thought of moving in together for a while as we stayed together every night and practically live together anyway, but decided against it as he wasn't ready and id never want him to do something he isnt ready for.Now, up until now we had always had a great sex life and he had always been so comforting and assuring.. Here's where my current issues lie and where i need advice as everything else Has hurt but I have already somehow dealt with....I was out with some friends one night and Steve was playing football.. I was having a good time so invited Steve to come and meet us after or for us To go down and meet him and his buddy's as they always have a couple after training... He kind of ignored me and just went about his evening as usual. The more i had to drink the more my friend managed to persuade me that was weird and it dawned on me.. He has never introduced me to ANYONE in his life and seemed to avoid it.. Then I got upset about him not wanting to move in with me and a combination of everything.. I was pretty drunk and pretty upset and did something silly,, I slept with s guy I knew that was obviously flirting...The next morning I felt terrible and Steve was super suspicious and asking questions. I couldn't bring myself to tell him at the time as I knew that would be the end of us...a couple of weeks later as we were mid argument I confessed to him and apologised.. I told him the truth and what was going through my head when I did it and assured him I would never do it again.. and he has since tried to forgive me.. this was all a month ago.. since then Steve has started working again.. I'm not as I can still afford a few more weeks off and secretly I think I'm still confused as to wether I should leave... were trying to move forward but we keep arguing and naturally he doesn't reassure me like he used to.. He has also gone off sex a lot. I always have to initiate it but even then sometimes get turned down. I'm always giving him oral or hand foreplay - even offering to watch porn and making sure he enjoys it but he really isn't interested in my climax at all, let alone foreplay. It's not like we don't have sex, it's just like the connection has gone all together. I'm just confused.. I love him a lot.. and despite everything I'm still here fighting for us... He seems to have lost interest which I guess i can understand after so much drama..We have spoken about these things and sometimes it ends up in a row but we always make up and conclude that we will try to work things out.I have explained to him how important family is to me and how I crave a normal relationship where we share our lives with each other a bit as I don't want to feel hidden away like a mistress... He had a wedding this weekend and had text his friends to see if their girlfriends were coming.. They had said yes but there's space in their car if he wants to come... As though they didn't even know I exist... He had mentioned the wedding to me and said I could come but then he had just decided to not bother going the day before... HmmmHe also has a wedding next weekend within the same circle of friends but didn't get a plus one invite.. I guess as no one knows about me??? There's also the fact that most of his good friends most likely know that he used to be a bit of a player and hasn't been in overly serious relationships in the past? Plus of course I've never met his daughter and im almost 100% sure the mother of his child has no idea at all about me...I guess my questions are1) Can we ever get the connection back and how? - I don't want To be desperate and pushy with sex ( not hot ) 2) Why is he so reluctant to let me be involved in his life? - I don't want to be hidden, I'm sociable and capable of having my own life but My family and real good friends are all in my hometown.. I don't need to be involved in every aspect of his life but would at least like to b normal?3)should I be feeling rejected? - I'd love to commit to him after everything.. I just want our own place to call home rather than living in silly house shares and paying 2 sets of rent even though we practically live together anyway... 4) how can I make this better? And how can I make him trust me / want me? - I feel like as I've forgiven him for everything and as I'm now chasing him for affection and commitment well he must be able to sense that and no doubt it's a turn off??! 5) Finally, do u guys think we will ever have a normal relationship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 No.
You say he went " off " but, well, if he had two other gfs 8 months into your one year relationship , then he was not much " on " even before, was he ?
Then, you cheated too, and this makes you " even " , so to speak. In theory , as you have seen, since the fact that you could forgive his repeated transgression won't make it easier for him to forgive your one time transgression. It should, but apparently it does not .
Anyway , the point is , that if while still in what should have been the honeymoon phase, you both felt the need to cheat, then the relationship is doomed. What relationship, actually ? That's just two people spending time together and having ses together- unless " something " happens : temptation... frustration...a couple of drinks too many...
But since " something " is bound to happen any week or day of your life, then what you need is not eliminating the somethings, it's to be committed to not let the somethings interfere with mutual loyalty. Which, you both cannot do.
Finally, the fact that in one year he has not introduced you to his friends and social circle, eh no, that's not normal- and I can't even persuade myself that's just coincidental. It must have been on purpose. Ask yourself why. Probably Steve thinks that you'd cramp his style if you'd tag along, he may miss out on something " better" rising on his sexual horizon. Or else, he thinks there's no point in taking the trouble, since sooner or later ( and sooner then later ) you'll be replaced anyway. Sorry but right know I can't come up with a better reason.
Conclusion : it sounds messy, and with all the markings of getting ugly quite soon. You love Steve - as for him, he may say all he wants but does not act as someone in love- anyway , " love " per se it's not enough to make a relationship happy , healthy and longlasting.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 Don't confuse wanting a normal relationship as loving Steve. He is definitely not on the same timeline as you. From what you described there is nothing lovable about steve. He'd had already had his family and is certainly in no rush to have another one. With a previous breakup, a family is a burden, not a harmonious one to come home to. You are pressuring him to make a committment when he is nowhere ready to. When you cheated out of anger, that already showed you don't want to work on things and you might have done that to jeopardize chances with him, so you don't have to be stuck in this predicament anymore.
The instinct to provide a nest for a family and cause us women to be impatient and make mistakes. There is nothing abnormal about being single whilst our biological clock is ticking. You have chances to meet a better suitor in your life. Stress and setbacks can be inevitable but at least your mate should try his best to minimize stress and create stability in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): A man have to respect you first before he let you in his life and the fact you slept with another man changed his view on you completely. I don't see this relationship going anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (20 May 2013):
 You are basically two people who should not be together. There is waaay too much drama going on. You are 26 and 31, not 15 years old. The fact that nobody knows you says it all. He is either cheating on you or keeping his options open in case he meets someone else.
Walk away from this. Too much has happened and there is no trust between you. Staying will only cause you more pain. Focus on your own life, getting a job and getting back on your feet. Be glad you have no children together or joint assets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): i would just leave it now. he has probably gone of sex as you cheated and its put him of. but all your other problems as well. time for a fresh start alone i would say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): This relationship was doomed from the off. The thing is did you assume you were in a relationship and he saw it as just dating? If you are just dting then never ever start sleeping together. Dating means that you wont be the only woman on the go. You barely know each other and you have went through too much unhealthy toxic incidences for this to mend. Go back home. Breakup with Steve he does not love you. If he did you would of been introduced to his friends and family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Honey, the writing is definitely on the wall. Tikebto cut your losses and leave this man.He had not 1 but 2 full blown affairs whilst supposedly dating you. Because of his antics you are now unemployed. He does not want to share his life with you as evidenced by the wedding incident. He does not want to make the sort of commitment that comes with sharing a place.You are dabbling outside the relationship out of dissatisfaction.Is your relationship ever going to be normal? It was never normal so I don't know why you'd think it'll suddenly be different.I know you have strong feelings for him, but for your own sanity walk away from this. This man genuinely does not care about you at all. Your whole relationship was premised on one big lie! All the best
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