A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi this is not a relationship advice question however i need some help. Im currently studying in uni, iwould consider myself a less attractive plus size gal. I have always had issues with weight and have very bad hyperpigmentation on my face. Im not attractive and i dont reallly have much friends but i never thot much about it as im quite a shy person as well.. I have low self esteem due to my bad skin problems and weight. Although i have always been friendly and tried to be nice to people, in college i realise that not many people want to make a conversation with me. I have two good friends and im always around them in class. i realised that many people approach my friend and talk to her but when im there sometimes pple treat me like im invisible. they would talk to my friend and sometimes just say bye to me. It feels like im not part of that class or that i do not know what they are talking about. In actual fact im from the same class and i try to share my opinions during such a conversation but people tend to ignore me. Its not one or two of them but through out my degree programme i have noticed that people dont really approach me and talk to me however they are pretty friendly with my close friend. Im not a bad person and in fact try to be really friendly but why this biasness towards me? Just coz i am unattractive? today i had a presentation and people wished my partner good luck but just smiled at me like im not doing the presentation. All my life ive always been the unattractive girl that people do not approach and talk to. I never felt heartbroken but right now i am feeling completely sad and feel worthless like im not a human? i dont have feelings? Why do ppl treat me like this? Do u have to be pretty attractive to have people even strike a conversation with u? why do ppl ignore me alot of times when what they are talking about is related to me also. We are doing the same modules in the same class why is it that they would discuss with my more attractive friend and ignore me ?? must u be beautiful to be liked and talked to? Im already losing weight but my skin problems have been a big issue that im suffering for so long and i really think some day i would have much clearer skin. What can i do about this now? Im feeling really really down. Please someone advice me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): I truly hope someone said something that will give you inner peace and that you will try harder to just be more outgoing.
You don't have to wait for people to come to you.
Join a volunteer organization to help people in need. Help those less fortunate.
If anyone on this planet will appreciate you, they will. Helping others is fulfilling and it helps us to think beyond ourselves. You feel you are invisible; but when you give of yourself, people can only see your kindness. You are beautiful in their eyes.
Maybe if you focused on helping people, you'd spend less time hating who you are. The blessing behind giving, is healing and love.
You meet other kind people in the process.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2013): Thank you to everyone who has replied to help me. I would say alot of the problems lies with me and my anxiety as well. i have serious insecurities and anxiety problems that i hardly approach ppl bcoz all along although im nice to ppl in a group of friends, people always approach my more attractive friends.like i said it does make me feel invisible and how is that my fault? i wan to initiate conversations i wan to be friendly but people ignore me for no reason is that my fault? All these rejections has made me avoid social situations. People have even said i look unapproachable although im made up and dress well i have tried alot and trust me when i tried and failed it really breaks me and gives me all these self hatred. Nevertheless im going to try and follow all these advices and change my mindset.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 People will surely tell you that you just have to love yourself, and while that is true, it is also nigh on impossible to just start loving yourself overnight. If I told you that day was actually night and night was day, or that blue was red and red was blue, you wouldn't just abandon something you've believed for most of your life and accept what I said. It doesn't work like that.
Loving yourself after a lifetime of loathing yourself is incredibly hard. It's a long, slow, painful process and it usually requires professional help. The other posters are right in that your problem has very little to do with your appearance and everything to do with your feelings about yourself.
I strongly urge you to seek professional help from a therapist. I have lived and continue to live with horribly low self esteem. I have moments where I feel better about myself and when I look back on my life over the last few years I can see that I've made progress, but I wonder if I'll ever be free of it. It will be a long, hard road but you have to take it because this is your life and it's worth no less than anyone else's life, so why should you have any less than anyone else?
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reader, MsSadie  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Sometimes YOU have to make the effort to talk to people, you know?Do you have to be a perfect 10 to get attention and approached? No. In fact, some people make a point of not approaching super gorgeous people under the belief that super gorgeous people will be snobby or insensitive.That said, unpopular opinion here, it does help to be at least a little "normal" looking (I put normal in quotes because there is a ton of wiggle room there). And part of looks isn't just the obvious physical characteristics of a person like her size, hair, or clothes but also how a person carries herself. If you look nervous, uncomfortable, or desperate, that will show to other people and put them at unease.My recommendation is for you to do whatever you think you need to do in order to feel better about yourself. If that means hitting the gym, do it. If that means smiling more and initiating contact with others, do it.Best of luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): I only agree with the other posters to a certain extent. Having confidence helps, but people DO treat a person they find attractive different and better than one they don't. It's human nature, and anyone who says they've never treated a person better than someone else just for being more attractive is either lying, or don't realize they've done it because it's easy to do it without even thinking.That said, in your case OP it does sound more like it's your lack of confidence holding you back. Work on fixing the things you don't like about yourself so you can feel more confident, because everyone knows learning to love yourself the way you are is impossible when you look around at others, and find yourself coming up short. I would know, I have plenty of things I dislike about myself as well. My main thing is my boobs. I'm in my twenties, and it really sucks when I see a 13 year old girl who has much bigger boobs than me. Makes me feel like less of a woman. So I've done everything I can to make them bigger without having surgery. The things I've done have helped quite a bit, so I don't feel as bad as I used to. I knew I could never love myself the way I was like people told me to do. Look into skin treatments, and keep on losing weight. The confidence will follow, and people WILL notice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Oh god, no.
Personality's what counts - I'm a geek, look a bit owlish/geeky but people like me for who I am, not what I look like.
WHO you are is important; WHAT you look like comes down to things like presentation, hygiene etc. - I tend to favour "function over fashion" (comfortable but safe clothing) over trendy ones - and it's worked.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (20 June 2013):
If your theory was true then the world would be filled only with beautiful people since they would be the only ones having babies. As it is, beautiful people are the exception, not the rule.
Your problem (as noted by Mariah), is your self esteem and this negativity that you surely projecting outward.
I have to say, more than anything, a personality makes the person. Countless times in my life I've men very attractive people who were ugly because of their personality, and even more frequently, I've met people who weren't very good looking but who were quite attractive because of their personality. I just took a few college classes and specifically remember thinking this about a few of the girls in my class.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): I agree with Mariab. However; you need to do something that you can live with right now. Weight-loss and skin regimens take time; but you have to deal with the world on a day to day basis. How can you feel good now?First, judging by your post, you are hypersensitive to the fact you have a skin problem and you are always aware of your weight. You spend a lot of time making comparisons between your friend(s) and yourself. This takes a great deal of time and effort. Always focusing on every negative aspect of your being, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.You never give yourself a break. Always putting yourself down. Always focusing on your physical imperfections.You focus so much on how people are unreceptive to you, you look at how your friends get more attention, you perceive people to be cruel and judgmental. You think people hate the way you look, so you hate people. Guess what? They get your message! Loud and clear! Honestly, I don't know what part of the world you live in; but I think it is partially a cultural issue. I think you were taught from a little girl that your appearance is valued above anything else. You so devalue yourself, you have actually convinced yourself everyone else devalues you; because of your appearance. You look at beauty ads, your pretty friends, TV commercials, and you must punish yourself all day long. You are convinced beauty is valued above any other attribute; and all of heaven itself couldn't change your mind. You wrote this post, and like most others, you will probably not accept the advice. I hope with all my heart, that someone can offer something to help you. I really do.You wrote DearCupid. Will you humor me, and take my advice below and write me back?You have to stop and think about something. Most people start their day by brushing their teeth, showering, and grooming. We pick out an outfit that will give us comfort and appropriate for the weather; and hopefully, complimentary to our appearance.You start out your day prepared to be ignored and feeling unattractive. That is projected through your personality.It's well-practiced and ingrained into your psyche.Your body language, posture, and facial expressions tell people right from the start: "leave me alone. I know you think I'm ugly and you don't like me. I don't like you either, just stay away!" That message is radiating from everything about you. Then through self-fulfilling prophecy, you leave your home with the opinion the world is cruel; and will ignore me no matter what I do or say. It happens, because you do everything you can to shut yourself off. You will see nothing but the bad in everyone who comes near you. You'll dismiss kindness as phony.Don't you realize this problem you've posted about is coming from you? Nature did not single you out to play a cruel and nasty trick on you. The superficial imperfections described are easily corrected. The problem goes much deeper. You dislike yourself so much; that you project it onto people around you. You place your friends on a pedestal believing they're special and superior; because they have the capacity to see you for who you really are. Sweet and wonderful. A good friend.Most people who have self-image issues and low self-esteem don't bother adorning themselves. They wear drab clothing, their hairdo is usually just something plain and simple,they don't smile; and they rarely acknowledge others. They shutter when a total stranger smiles and says good morning,and look straight ahead without a word. They "create a reputation" of being shy and a recluse. So people leave them alone. They see no reason to wear bright and nice clothing; because it will "draw attention." You do exactly what you shouldn't be doing to get people to notice you. Then you wonder why you aren't noticed.That's because people pick up nothing but negative signals from you.What's inside you transcends to your outer-appearance. Your hyper-pigmentation makes you self-unconscious; and your unhappy facial expressions distort your true nature. This makes people avoid communicating with you; because they see the discomfort in your face when they approach you. Your feelings of being physically inferior to others reflectsfrom within.Everything about you screams: Please don't look at me!!! So they don't. That's because you asked them not to, in every way but words.People are uncomfortable around you, because of the sadness and dark inner-spirit you project. They don't want to offend you by staring; because you force them to look away. When you are unaware, people are still looking and checking you out from afar. It's not polite to stare; so they watch you when you're not looking. They see the profound discomfort you have; and notice how you carry yourself. That makes it hard to approach you. You're shutoff to the world; so they respect all your invisible barriers.They feel very awkward around you, almost intimidated. Your expression changes and your body-language is not welcoming. So they pretend you aren't there.That is because you "telepathically" tell them you don't like them; before they get a chance to reach out to you. People with your poor self-esteem and self-hatred seldom benefit from advice. When you are self-defeating and hold a hostility toward yourself, you fault others for the negative response you receive. This is reinforced by years and years of self-inflicted hatred of your own appearance.The exact opposite of conceit. My dear, you have to love yourself enough not to give a damn about what anyone thinks about how you were created for this world. Ugliness is not on the outside, it's from the inside. I get so frustrated; because I know my words usually just bounce off. No matter how true they are. If I walked up to you and said you were ugly, you'd listen to that first.People would be more receptive, if you were friendly and jovial. If you were more comfortable with yourself and projected a more upbeat image. I would bet everything that I own that you are a loner by nature. You sit alone unless your friends are there. You keep to yourself most of the time, and you sit home alone hating being you.I have read so many self-deprecating posts like yours, and have yet to see positive feedback from the recipient. Why? Because you are convinced your looks are why people don't like you. You are ashamed of how nature has designed you; so you don't even bother to change the things you can. You don't even value the wonderful personality you have. You settle for the pity.You are probably one of the warmest and most sensitive creatures created. No one would ever know; because you hide behind a shield of self-hatred. I refuse to pity you, because my experience has taught me over the years; that people are harder on themselves, than anyone else would or could ever be to them. The friends you have, would probably say you are the sweetest person they've ever known. "You" wouldn't believe it, personally. They probably compliment you all the time; but you shrug if off as untrue. "They're just trying to be nice." Why do they remain friends? Why do they value your friendship so much? How come your friends don't mind your weight and skin condition? How did you ever meet them?It is your closed-off attitude. It's the tension you project toward people. It's the self-hatred that other people pick up when around you. People have built-in instincts to read subtle body language and facial expressions; so we unconsciously avoid potentially awkward social situations.You have to work on the inside before you work on the outside.Here's a suggestion. It's a band-aid, until you make more drastic changes. Which probably wouldn't make much difference; if you don't change your attitude toward yourself. It's a mini-makeover, with emphasis on attitude exercise.Have a friend take a picture of you as you look today.Go buy a nice lipstick. Nothing expensive, just a gentle color that slightly glistens and shines in the light. Take a few dollars and get a nice haircut. Something short and stylish. If you have hair over 5-6 inches long, that is.Get a lovely pair of dangly earrings. Get a dress in your favorite color. Keep things under budget. Don't break the bank. If you don't like dresses, get a pretty blouse.Dress up, and stand in front of a mirror with your head up, shoulders back, chest out, and smile. You will notice a transformation. Have your friend take another picture of you all dolled-up. Lipstick, earrings, haircut, dress/blouse and all. Watch the expression on your friend's face to see you so confident and standing tall. Ask for her honest opinion.Now compare the two pictures, and write down on paper what you see. Then read it out loud.When you get the nerve. Take a walk down the street all fixed up. Smile and say hello to your neighbors and watch their reactions. Use the look as though you've just won the lottery. Snap a mental picture of strangers as they pass. They aren't responding to your appearance, they're responding to your sudden change in attitude. You feel better, because you allowed yourself to do something you never allowed yourself to do. To feel confident and let people see what comes from inside, apart from your face and body.Feel good and approachable. Accept how you look now, knowing you can change the outside; but even more importantly, how you can change how you feel from the inside. The power is already within you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Actual PosterHi Mariab thank you so much for taking your time to respond to me. Im naturally an introverted person perhaps this could be another reason ppl hardly talk to me. Whereas my friend is quite outgoing and extroverted. Im feeling down right now but im sure one day i will achieve the body and my skin will get better. But i just want to know does attractiveness really affect the way people look and talk to u? I always feel like ive not done anything bad to this person but why he/she did not include me in the conversationAlways and trust me since my teens i have been this unattractive gal with no boyfrend and only one bestfriend.I havent felt much but in a uni context i feel like i want to be more open but the way people react to me makes my self esteem go right down :(
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female
reader, Mariab +, writes (20 June 2013):
 The way you feel about yourself can project outwards and people will pick up on this. You must work on yourself in order to feel better about you...ever heard the saying.. you smile and the world smiles with you?
My suggestion? Work on the things you feel bad about... your weight and your skin.. start there. Go to a gym, run, walk, eat healthy... take control of this and believe you can get the body you want and deserve! Because YOU CAN!
There are natural remedies for hyperpigmentation... lemon, cucumber .. google these and get onto it pronto! I would also recommend going to youtube and listen to Louise Hay, Love Yourself (its a 5 part video).. Listen to these affirmations daily before you sleep. As you build your self esteem and it starts to reflect on the outside... you will be amazed how people will respond to your new confidence. I'm sending you hugs right now :P Good luck... you sound like a marvelous girl!! xx
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