A
male
age
41-50,
*sj00
writes:Do any of you guys ever have regrets from your youth? You know I am about to turn 30 and I look back on my life and it hasn't been that great. I mean I was a loner in high school. I never had any friends, never went to any parties, or went out with a girl or anything. And to make it sound even more pathetic I've never kissed a girl or even had sex. Jeez how sad is that? Especially considering most guys my age have had sex with much more women than I have. Hell for some them their number continued to increase even after they got married.And well I paid my own way through college and never really had much of a social life there either. And I wasn't that popular with the girls either (which has become like a fact of life for me, although I have signed up at a local gym and have been working out for two weeks now. hopefully within six months I'll look much better).As for now I have a few friends and I do go to more parties than I used to (which really isn't that many since I didn't go to any in my youth and now its like one every several months). I just feel like I've missed out on soo much you know. Missed out on the parties, the girls, being good at sports, jeez everything. Its doesn't even necessarily have to be drinking, I know a lot of people who had a lot of friends who they could just hang out with or go out to eat or something. I've spent much of my life as a loner.I don't know why it still bothers me but it really does. And I have no idea how to make up for it and end this regret. How did you ladies get over your regrets from your youth ( I assume all of you have some regrets, if not then lucky you)? Does some of it still bother you? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I can totally relate with this poster. Granted I am only 22 and still have some time, life is slowly creeping up on me. I am almost done with University and then will need to start looking for a job to support myself and pay off my University fees.
I had a girlfriend in High School. I really liked her and dated her for a year. But out of fear, I guess some inner demons, I never really touched her and got close. I believe this is mainly because I was only about 15 years old and just didn't know how to express myself. To this day I have some regret for that because I feel she left me after a year or so because she felt neglected.
I moved to another High School and started University. Had some friends but never found a girlfriend. I once dated a girl and we did have sex once. The relationship didn't work out because we didn't life close to each other. It seems like it is almost worse having sex only once and not having it again for about 4-5 years.
The party lifestyle never really suited me. Now I am studying abroad in Japan. I find Japanese women very attractive but I just don't know how to date, ask a girl on a date, have casual sex, or start a serious relationship. Most of my friends don't really feel like friends, but more like acquaintances. I only have a few months left before I have to leave, but I still want to experience some of the things in Japan that I have missed most of my life.
I know I have done many things within the past year. Living in a foreign country and traveling around, and this is maybe the only thing in life I totally won't regret. Although not having a girlfriend or more active social life will always kick me in the ass.
Some may say that I am still very young, 22 years old. But in reality, that is the end of youth and the beginning of average age. Many men (boys) my age have experienced sex and dated many times. But I just lack this experience and don't know how to attain it. That is the thing that eats at me most.
So while you look back at your youth with regrets I regret living it how I currently am, and feel trapped by not knowing how to change it.
I guess something wise that I should say, and try to use it in my own life is that, we can't do anything about the past, only the present and the future. Take a hold of your life and try to change it, although it seems impossible or you don't even know which way to begin walking. The only thing more painful than a regrettable past, is a nonexistent present and a regrettable future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): I'm going through much the same thing right now, so I can definitely feel your pain. I was such an over-achiever in work and school as a young person that I left no time for sports, friends or romance.I'll be turning 30 in about a year and a half. I've promised myself that the next year and a half will be filled with all of the stupid fun that I missed out on as a kid. Sure, it's much harder to live a party-lifestyle now, while balancing work and other adult responsibilities, but I've done more dumb/fun things in the last five months that I have in my entire life.Find some friends that don't mind "living a little!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): I was much like you in my teens and 20s. I got married to the only woman that I had sex with when I was 22. We got divorced when I was 33 and she was still my only sex partner. I also was afraid to kiss a girl when in my teens. My few friends were boys who had the same boring social life as I had.
Six months after my divorce I asked a 33 year old woman out. She was really nice and I started to fall for her and she for me. Her life in her teens and 20s was much the same as mine. She sort of made up for it in the 3 years between her divorce and meeting me, having been in bed with 10 different men. I only note that to show that it isn't as much fun as one might think.
While going with her, I dated 3 other women over the next 3 years. My social life began at 34 years of age. I had her, others who liked to be with me (both in and out of bed) and new friends. It was the best time of my life. We got married when we were both 40 and have been very happy together for 22 more years. Our social life with others is much much less than it was when we were in our late 30s, but we couldn't be much happier.
Yes, I still wish I would have been more socially liked in my earlier years and I wish I had the chance to date others after my divorce and before I met my wife, but I would not trade that for the past 28 years with her and the 3 other women early in our relationship that appreciated me so much (I appreciated them just as much).
You are still 4 years younger than I was when I started my "new" life. You still have time to have a great life socially. However, you may have to change some of your thinkings. For instance, as far as sex goes, I made up my mind between my divorce and my first date that my attitude in love making would change from my enjoyment being the most important to hers being the most important. I very soon discovered that the returns were wonderful. Not in the amount of sex that I got, but in the appreciation that i got from those women for caring about their feelings and enjoyment. They returned my attention by doing things like hugging me and showing that they liked me. I also greatly enjoyed that I was finally able to give a nice woman enjoyment with me.
I also forced myself to be less shy. I was always very shy. My wife did not want to go out with me at first because she thought that I was stuck-up. She finally realized that I was just very shy and decided to take a chance with one date. I kissed her on that first date, held her and made no attempt to get her into bed. She had never experienced that type of affection with any of the others without them expecting sex from her. I forced myself to look and smile at people and flirt with some women that I knew. I discovered that they liked the attention and took my flirting as a complement. I never made inappropriate comments or touches so they were not threatened.
Force yourself to be less shy, talk to women in a non threatening way and maybe even flirt a little with those that you know. Don't be discouraged by the occasional one that shuts you off. If you are not threatening most will take your attention as a complement.
As to my wife having had sex with many partners in 3 years. It was not that great. She had a few nice boyfriends, but most were just sexual partners. It was fun for her, but she wishes she had done without those. It's kind of funny. I wish I had more sexual partners and she wishes she had less. I guess you'll never get it just right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): from Sarah,35:hi there, I've never posted an answer on this site-or any site- before, but I have been using this site to help with my own problems and have found lots of very wise and comforting words here.I too have sometimes wondered how it came to be that I missed out on parties, social occasions etc in my youth. probably it was a mixture of being under pressure while at uni, having no time nor energy to socialise, the less I did socialise the more isolated i got without realising it....the less confident you become... it seems to be a very insidious gradual process and suddenly before you know it your 20's are gone and hey?! where are the few friends you knew from schol and uni? they're all settled down with partners and aren't around much. and you're alone. it ain't nice but i bet its more common than people like to admit to. wish i had some answers for you but i guess its down to the usual cliches of find a hobby or activity or voluntary work that gets you out of the house and out into the world. i should take my own advice hehe! I hope it helps a litle bit to know its not just you, sorry i can't be of more help.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (27 October 2007):
 Yeah, it bothers me sometimes that I wasn't brave enough to do what I wanted and instead listened too much on what other said was good for me to do in life. This is when it comes to education, career and so. When it comes to social life and having boyfriends though, I don't feel I would have regretted having had less boyfriends or being a little more on my own and not so dependent on social life and lovelife. I'm not convinced the male friends you mentioned are so much more happy or content with their lives, especially not the ones who increased their numbers of sex partners even efter getting married. You sound like a good and intelligent man and you are still young and when you meet someone I'm sure it will be way much better for you than for your "experienced" friends.
Take care!
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