A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I am very concerned about how much time I crave to be with my partner. Her job as an international guide makes it difficult for us to have any time to see each other.She is always overseas, out with friends or at the office. She is pressed for time so feels I'm adding pressure to her. The problem is that I feel so ALONE.I have a great life here teaching English. I love the job and seeing my students learn. I also have a few awesome friends that I can call up and hang out with. But it's not enough for me. I am craving the intimacy that comes with a steady partner that is always around or at least wants to make the most of the limited days that they are at home to spend with their partner.It's becoming a huge problem. I haven't had sex for 6 weeks and it's driving me crazy. She's overseas and when she's been home, she's either been too tired, not in the mood (no matter what I try) or going through her monthlies. What am I supposed to do?I feel like a single guy. I spend so much time alone. It takes a lot of willpower to stay faithful to her. But I will never do the wrong thing. Still I'm so ALONE. Friends can't fill the void of what I'm missing out on. I love my fiancee so much. How can I possibly get around this problem?I can't see an easy solution and unfortunately it's interfering with my ability to enjoy my life. I think part of the problem also boils down to how I felt before I met her - I felt very unhappy with just being single and that was dragging my life down. So I'm looking for some advice from people who are going through this kind of situation - perhaps people that are separated from their loved ones by work, the armed forces etc.The help you can provide would be so valuable. I don't want to end up straying from her but also don't want to be so alone all the time!
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (8 April 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I haven't had the chance to talk about some of the things you mentioned. She did witness her father walking out on her mother often. He would stay out overnight with friends drinking and gambling and then return in the morning to sleep all day.
There were many fights between her parents and the father often abused the mother. So sad. I feel like this has been projected onto her. I'll explain more in a moment.
Just an update to last night first. I thought she would stay out really late with her work colleagues. We hadn't seen each other for 2 days because I was over the border in HK renewing my visa. So I invited a mate around for drinks and snacks. This was OK given that she came home and spent the time talking to her good friend online and trying on clothes. She joined us briefly for the snacks.
OK I should have maximised the time to spend with her but I thought she would be the usual approach and not want to spend it with me, so I redirected my energy towards hanging out with my mate. We got pretty drunk and I came to bed quite late. She was waiting for me BUT was acting very angry. I didn't understand and I was very unsteady and drunk :( Well, she wanted me to 'finish her quickly' so she could sleep. I didn't turn the light off straight away because I was getting undressed. So she threw her mobile phone at the floor and it ended up under the bed - had to move the whole bed to get to it. I was shocked and upset by this. Because I was in a good mood and wanted to make out with her.
The anger continued with the abuse. I held back tears (I had been hoping to spend quality time with her before she goes to the Maldives) and tried again with her. My whiskers scratched her skin and she started punching and pushing me away - telling me to get off her.
I lost it at this point and just went outside to the bed in the living room and curled up cyring with a photo of us and wishing things could be like how they used to be.
I don't know what happened to her. The woman I knew 6 months ago has left. The next morning she tried to apologise and was acting nice. I recall that she thought I was trying to fight her last night when I refused to turn off the light immediately and when I tried to take my time to warm up. The verbal attack and sudden anger caught me off guard and I kept questioning her what was wrong but she pushed me away.
We will see what happens tonight. Today she was pretty calm. Still I wonder if she did something and it caused her to suddenly change her attitude towards me. And yes it has been a gradual change in attitude for the past couple of months. Since she started spending more time apart from me, she changed. Last year she would spend more time with me and she was always affectionate. Now it's changed. I have to initiate most of the time.
Today I called about cancelling the visa. I'm keeping the option open to go ahead with that and moving on. Probably returning to Australia. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I want to live in the moment and be happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): "It's becoming a huge problem."
Talk with her about it. Now, a common response to such a talk is a wild make out session which is followed by exactly the same thing as before, but you will think that it will be better. So, realize that going into this.
"I haven't had sex for 6 weeks and it's driving me crazy."
You say she is your fiancee, wait till you are married, it won't be better more likely than not.
"She's overseas and when she's been home, she's either been too tired, not in the mood (no matter what I try) or going through her monthlies."
She should be ready to see you and get back together physically and emotionally. Sounds like that isn't happening.
"What am I supposed to do?"
Talk with her, very openly, honestly, and be prepared to end the relationship. Something isn't right in the picture.
Specifically ask her if she has been sexually abused, was she neglected or abused by parents, were her parents separated or divorced during her childhood and did they have a drama intense marriage, did her parents have affairs, is she using medications or drugs (antidepressants, anxiolytics, alcohol, marijuana, opiates) that may dim her sex drive, and, to cap it all off, ask her if she is having or has had sex (not an affair...that isn't specific enough) with anyone else, man or woman, at any level (any type of sexual activity...there are so many ways people try to wiggle off that one by not considering certain things like oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, and other sexual acts as being "not sex"), since you got together.
Then, figure out what you need to do.
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