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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: So my ex and I were in LDR and he dumped me out of no where a couple of months ago. I've been through every phase,grief,hating him, missing him and now trying to forgive him. I don't know what to do is better for me. I mean we've been through a lot.I was always with him every difficult situation he was in. I loved him so much that I threw away my dignity and would put up with him even though he's sometimes a scumbag to me. I was so nice to him that I think he's the one should be dumped,not me. Sometimes I even blame myself for not being nice and sweet enough to him so he dumped me. I've been telling myself to hate him because I don't deserve this, but recently I kind of just want to forgive him and wish him the best and hope him find someone that gives what I couldn't give him. Do you guys still hate or forgive your exes after being dumped?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 July 2013):
 wanting the best for him after he was a jerk and a scumbag indicates you truly love him and want him happy even if he does not deserve it. Very big of you.
I hold no hate for any of my ex partners, not those that dumped me or those I dumped.
use the experience to grow and mature and learn about yourself.
why did you think being mistreated was ok?
why do you think that if you are nice and sweet (and a doormat) for a bad person it's ok to stay with them.
how long were you LDR? were you using it to hide from the hard work of a day to day relationship?
BTW what anyone else thinks or feels is irrelevant to you. WHAT you want to do is forgive and move on... I think that's the very adult and proper thing to do.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 July 2013):
 Hate's a heavy coat!
I have forgotten and forgiven any ones whos dumped me in the past and I hope those I have dumped have forgiven me (I am sure they have)...in time all sad feelings fade, so keep your chin up!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 July 2013):
Don't think that you lost him because you weren't "sweet" enough. You lost him because it was an LDR and because you weren't compatible.
And to your question: I never hated anyone, it's a waste of time. Fortunately there are nearly 7 billion people in the world, so I never worry too much about one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): Sometimes it is best to do things in your heart; but it isn't necessary to verbalize it to an ex.
You are offering him forgiveness just in the fact you have moved on; and allowed yourself to purge him from your thoughts.
Right now, it's your feelings that count. NOT HIS!
When people have been cruel to you, and they dump you; you have no obligation to go forward to make a big speech to profess how you have forgiven them. In most cases, they wouldn't care one way or the other how you feel.
Forgiveness in your heart means, you carry no ill-will toward another; and you move on without dragging anger, and regret. You move forward, without looking back and dwelling on their past deeds. You dilute the toxicity of the poison they inflicted; by no longer letting them consume your thoughts. They can no longer keep you in a bad place.
What helps you to heal; is always hating the rotten things that jerk did to you. Let those times serve as a harsh reminder of what he did; up until he dumped you like you meant nothing to him. If he loved you, he would have treated you good; and would not have dumped you.
Professing how you forgive him would look stupid in his eyes. It would give him just one more opportunity to hurt you; because he knows the gesture is showing you still care.
In the case of an ex, silent forgiveness is best as you progress through your healing stage. Maybe a few years down the road, you may run into each other. Speaking in the past tense, you can always say, I forgave you "long ago." I've moved on since.
Hate is an emotion that consumes you. It is an indication in most cases you haven't let go. Hate takes too much energy. So don't focus on it. Just use it to push thoughts out of your head, that weaken you to want to take him back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): In my case, when I have been dumped, I have a "kind" of hate for many months that I feed to keep me strong and resisting this person. In the tender weeks and months, perhaps even years after a breakup, you have to stay true to yourself if the relationship is truly over. If you start thinking about the good times and stuff too much, you may become consumed by longing...for something you cant have or really don't want, but think you do. So it is natural and healthy to think about the bad things too...the things that caused the breakup. Try to keep it all in perspective. Remember, no matter how joined two people become, they are always two separate people. Take care of yourself first. Analyze YOU, not him or your past. Be selfish even. You deserve the best so don't dwell on your losses. Keep your dignity..it is YOURS...not something to throw away on him.
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A
male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (13 July 2013):
Rather than "hating" you should rethink the relationship in your head and focus on his negative qualities. You can start by seeing the selfishness that is inherent with his rejection. You seem to already be doing this - keep on those lines.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): Its not good to keep grudges in our heart.
No matter how bad the situation was, we always should have room for forgiveness.
But it doesn't mean that you welcome the idea of your EX to play an active role in your life. AGAIN. (especially if your not fully recovered from being dumped)
That's why we call them EX because that person is from the past. Past should serve as a lesson. Although you have forgiven the person but that's all about it.
You may forgive, yes, because that is essential and the right thing to do. But please be wise and say No for getting hurt again. It such a pity to see a woman getting hurt by the same person over and over and over again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2013): I usually do forgive my exes after being dumped or hurt in some way. It doesn't mean we rekindle anything but we remain friendly. I still keep in touch with some of my exes and still care about them. One of my exes even calls me for relationship advice. But then again he is someone I have known for over ten years. I think that is very mature of you to want to forgive him. But I don't keep in touch with exes who were blatantly mean to me. I keep in touch with those who we had a good relationship, always treated me well and we were friends even while dating. This guy sounds like he was very mean to you and should be the one trying to make amends, not the other way around. So in this case, I don't think you should make an attempt to reach out to him. He sounds like he took you for granted big time and he doesn't deserve your forgiveness. You can forgive someone in your heart without letting them know. That's a good step to moving on. Just accept how it ended, forgive him privately, (you don't have to call him or email him to tell him) and move on. That's perfectly do-able. And I think it is a good step forward.
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