A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend Michael for almost four years.Our relationship started off on a bad note; he had been my best friend for two years, but I had been dating another man the entire time. When my ex and I broke up, Michael was there with supportive arms. I had had a crush on him years before, and one thing led to another, we ended up together. The timing was terrible, however, because I was still caught up in my ex. I made some mistakes, but Michael forgave me and we moved forward, despite fighting early on in the relationship. (I kind of ruined the honey moon period). I almost broke it off with him early on, but I felt that since he had stuck by me I owed it to him to remain in our new relationship.Fast forward 4 years, my entire life is wrapped around him. Our friends are mutual, his family loves me and I them, and we have 4 years of memories. He is a good person. He is kind, funny, good-looking, and we look like the picture perfect couple. He is my best friend, and I love him.That is one of the problems, however. I feel like he is my very best friend, not my lover. I had little to no desire for sex with him. We get along famously, we laugh, but there is no passion. I am not naieve. I know that passion fades as years go by, but it almost seems like more than that; almost as if deep passion was never there at all.Also, in the four years together, I feel that we have not moved forward. Never lived together, not even a promise ring. He did not graduate high school, has no desire to go back, and has been in the same dead end job for two years. He smokes alot of marijuana, and I do not. He is also alot less social than I am, and I have found myself doing many things alone simply because I know he wouldn't enjoy them and it would dampen my enjoyment.Recently, I met someone though work. (Thomas). It started off as just talking. We had an immediate mental connection. I thought that the infatuation would fade, but it has only gotten stronger on both sides. He has a career. He makes me laugh, he is sweet, we have amazing conversations. His outside interests are similar to mine. We have both admitted our mutual attraction. However, he is 10 years older than I am. (I am 25, he is 35.)I tried to break it off with Michael, and he took it very hard. He is super sensitive. I addressed the issues I have with him (the lack of ambition, lack of communication, lack of passion, etc.) and he has promised to change, so I have remained in the relationship. I have noticed a change in his effort level, and things have been good. But I cannot get Thomas out of my mind. I have thought for a million hours about the situation, but I cannot find an answer. I am scared of leaving Michael because I will be losing my best friend. Loosing his family, our mutual relationships with friends, so many things. Is settling for your best friend really such a bad thing? But I worry that I will always look back and wonder what Thomas and I could have been. I feel very strongly for him. I have addressed my concerns to Thomas, and he has been patient, but he will not wait forever, and I can't ask him to.I am so very lost. Do you give up something good for the chance of something else?
View related questions:
ambition, best friend, broke up, crush, my ex, no desire, period, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I think you fell into Michael's arms because he was there, was friendly, and you had always liked him, but you have never loved him. He's supercool but that's it.
You sort of stayed where you are for different reasons. He's happy as he is, with his girl, his job and his lifestyle. You stayed where you are because he was, er, supercool.
You will leave him eventually. You're already talking about a second guy, and the sad truth is, you wouldn't think of staying with Michael because you love him, but only because he's supercool. You're not doing him a favor, you know?
Yes, Thomas won't wait forever, and rightly so. You're telling him that you like him but will stay with your current guy.
Women are always afraid of hurting good guys, they resort to indirect speech (as in "Womanese") and they end up hurting them a lot more than they otherwise would. What's more, the poor fellow ends up thinking HE screwed things.
An occasional woman will find a Thomas, who will embody the man she wants for herself, but will not end up with him anyways. The reason being that he becomes the motive to do what she otherwise wouldn't have had the strength to do.
Have I given you food for thought? I won't tell you what to do, because that decision is for you to make. You can find an answer, only you don't want to deal with the responsibility of making a decision.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Well you ask can you give up something good for the chance of something else? But im not sure that your current relationship is good. Ok so yes i agree that it sounds like the both of you get on great and that you are happy in each others company but you describe him as your best friend not your life partner.
You really do need to think this thing through clearly, look at your relationship now and ask yourself can you settle for this for life? Is it enough to keep you happy? If you have any doubts which am sure you do then i suggest that you take a break from the relationship. Sit down with Micheal and explain to him that you need a break just to clear your head, tell him you just need some space and set a time limit, however long you need maybe on average 2 weeks - 1 month. Tell him the time limit you decide and tell him there has to be no contact in that time frame until you sort your head out, tell him as soon as the time is up you will be back and you can both sit down and talk.
Within that time, just concentrate on yourself and on your life dont contact Micheal what so ever, and also dont have any physical relationship with thomas while you are on this break. Meet up with himif you like and talk to him and hang out but dont kiss him or anything else.
Hopefully after this time apart from Micheal you will have a clearer head and will know if you can live without him or not, if you decide that you dont want to be with him them be firm with him and tell him it is over, and then you are free to persue whatever you like with Thomas.
Goodluck.
...............................
|
