A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:someone just told me the new "in" thing was fwb. The lady i was talking to said even women wanted this now. Why? is because men were I think she meant men were not that nice. I know per my recent post I think I have become that..but i do not want that and the guy i am as many of you know the guy i am seeing seems to want only that.he told me he could find that because now days that is what a lot of women want. So my question is this.. Is this what the modern woman wants? fwb???? I don't. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Now everyone, lets talk about the elephant in the room when it comes to FWBs.Women willing to sleep with a guy without demanding commitment, be it FWB or just casual hookups, can land a hotter guy than they could get if they held out for a relationship. Sometimes a MUCH hotter sexier guy. Lots of women in FWBs are simply trading their self respect for a hotter sex partner. Its nothing more noble than that. They usually don't set out trying to do this, they don't always admit to themselves that they have ended up doing this, but any idiot observing from the sidelines can see it plain as day. Women who engage in these kinds of unbalanced unhealthy FWBs are not bad people by any means. But the damage they do to themselves is their fault, their responsibility. They are not poor victims of a jerk who took advantage of their feelings for him. They had a responsibility to respect themselves. If they traded their self respect for a hotter guy it was their choice. There are plenty of other guys to choose from who would have given them a healthy relationship if they were willing to trade down a notch on the sexy scale. This does not describe all women in FWBs by any means. But it describes a whole lot of them. The women who can engage in healthy FWBs are in the minority. Especially at younger ages when most people have their FWB experiences.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Women tend to stay in FWB situations because they think having sex with the guy will make him love them.
These kinds of women tend to be insecure and have a history of poor relationships they are prone to low self esteem and see 'any attention' better than 'no attention'
These women will over think every little detail, examining the FWB set up for the mearest hope that it is turning to love. These women feel used and frustrated and may swing from high moods (when he is having sex with them) to low mood and despair (when he is ignoring them or not having sex with them)
You have written copious times and it is clear you are miserable and confused about the situation you are in.
ONLY YOU CAN LET GO!
ONLY YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS!
I don't think you want to hear any advice you are given here.
Most women would not bother with a FXB relationship, it makes you an unpaid prostitute...a woman that gives out for nothing in return...who in their right mind would want that??
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 October 2013):
 "per my recent post" you mean your NUMEROUS recent posts. Your relationship is a FWB and the guy you've been seeing has made that as clear as a bell to you, yet you refuse to see it. All the Aunts told you that as well. If you don't like then walk away. And answer your question , the answer is no, MOST modern women would never want a FWB relationship, it rarely works anyway.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 October 2013):
 If a woman really values independence or doesn't have the time to invest in a full-blown relationship, FWB "relationships" can start to seem appealing, in theory anyway.
In practice they are very hard to pull off without one party or the other developing deeper feelings and hoping, secretly or not, that the arrangement will morph into a committed and exclusive relationship, just as you're currently experiencing. The stereotype is that it's usually the woman who gets her feelings too involved, but my personal experience happens to be the exact opposite (both guys I've had this with fell for *me*) so you really never know.
The bottom line is that it's very very difficult to maintain most of these arrangements in the long term without someone getting their feelings hurt. In that sense they are not optimal, and a rational and emotionally healthy person-male or female--preferentially seeking an FWB arrangement out probably has concrete and specific reasons for doing so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Another woman backing up what the ladies have said -- many women, growing up in today's culture, think that sex leads to feelings, and feelings lead to a relationship. They think it's the only way to snag a guy, and like Daisy and Honeypie have said, it rarely works. I dunno about the girls they know, but I didn't put out until 25, and that was for a guy who was my official boyfriend and who had said the L-word. I know I'm the exception to the rule, but not every young woman follows the trend of hookups. I do have a good friend (30) who has a FWB, and while I'm not lecturing her on it, I'm dubious. She seems to be a very secure woman, and is transitioning out of a 7-year relationship. She takes it for what it is. I ask her whether it's hard not to develop feelings for him, and she says it's not. Good friends but with sex...she seems to be handling it well, but I know that for one, I'm not wired that way. Intrigued brings up a good point, too. Our younger generation (and older!) is the most psychologically damaged and confused when it comes to what they want/the standards we should hold for ourselves. It's the old story. Boys tell girls that all the cool girls do it. The most insecure or confused girls take the bait, thinking they've taken the only ferry over to the other side, Girlfriend-Land. For the record, my man (35) says that FWB appeals to him not in the least. That sex is great, but is much better in the context of a loving relationship. That it's the cherry on the cake of human interaction...
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I agree with Daisy_Daisy. It's not what a lot of women want, but they settle for it in the hope that the man will change his mind or realize that she's the one. Yes there are some women who prefer it. When I got divorced, I went through a rebellious year of having two affairs. I was emotionally traumatized from my divorce, and I was in no way shape or form ready to jump into another relationship. However I wanted to feel validated, desirable and beautiful again, so I purposefully sought out a FWB type situation. When my emotional health improved, the FWB scenario did not appeal to me anymore. I'm not saying this is the case, but perhaps women who do prefer FWB are emotionally damaged in some way.
I do think there are a lot of men out there who DO NOT want the FWB situation, so all is not lost.
I also think that when you are attracted to or fall in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable, this has more to do with why you choose this, and less about the man. If you think / feel / believe that you deserve better, you will choose better.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Your submittal is an interesting observation and opinion of social/sexual dynamics. To wit: "...said even women wanted this (FWB) now..." Makes it sound as if only men ever want - or wanted - uncommitted sex in the past....
Likely situation is that women are now free of the stigma of being open about their sexuality, as they were not (free) in the past..... I'd guess that that is abetted by the Internet, wherein both men and women can "communicate" in ways that aren't so available - or easy - in person.....
Sure, some women want FWB relationships.... BUT, I can't imagine that it's some great, new MOVEMENT.... but simply something that has been occurring for quite some time.... and, only now, is being considered more "socially acceptable..."
P.S. It might be interesting to learn - conversely - that not all men are horn-dogs who only lead with their penises.... and they prefer sexuality only in the context of a warm and loving environment....
Such is life....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I don't think a LOT of woman want it either. I think a LOT of women "think" if they DO start up a FWB situation it will magically turn into a relationship.
If you don't believe in or want a casual FWB or F-buddy situation, then don't do it. It's really that simple. Don't engage in sex and sexual things til you BOTH know where you stand and that you are BOTH on the same page.
If you look on DC you will find MANY MANY MANY posts from women asking how to make a FWB a "normal" relationship or make the dude "care" enough to becomes BF/GF. It rarely works out that way though.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 October 2013):
 It is not what a LOT of women want. I would say that there are SOME women who do want FWB - though I personally don't know a single woman who does.
I think the majority are women like you who end up in that situation when it's not what they intended, and then don't feel able to leave or desperately hope the relationship will evolve from FWB to a real relationship based on love, care, trust and respect (which, having read many posts here, does't happen).
If people can honestly have a FWB arrangement without getting attached then I see no problem, but so many people do end up hurt - just do a search of this website. And it's usually the women, because our emotions get involved more easily and quickly (generally).
I went on a date with a chap, and he basically told me that FWB what he was looking for. So I didn't see him again. Funnily enough, a friend also went on a date with him several months later and he told her the same, and like the man you are seeing, he told her that it's what a lot of women want. Well, apparently not since he was still searching for his f**k buddy (and since I don't know a single woman who wants this). I expect his honest approach was hindering his success, because he was very attractive, at least physically.
It might be the new "in" thing but I'm not joining in the craze.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I think it all depends on women individually. And I don't think it's anything all that new or "trendy". The young adults have taken to this, but most are not emotionally mature enough to handle or understand what it really is.There are some women that love the idea of marriage and truly want to find that partner to share the second half of their life with. Others want the companionship/active sex life, but no longer want a needy, dependent man to have to take care of, so FWB suits them just fine.It's an easy place for men or women to go to because then they don't have to commit to anything or anyone and are free to sleep around and call it FWB.If you are looking for a committed relationship to grow and have a future together, then perhaps it's time to be clear with this guy what you want and not sit back and allow it or watch it happen. He can either make that commitment with you or not. If he doesn't want that, then it's time to move on. Be true to yourself and don't settle because just because someone told you this was the "in" thing does not mean it's for everyone and you have to go with it. I would venture to guess there are more older men who would rather not be alone and are looking for a steady women rather than a string of steady one night stands.I'm in a committed relationship, in fact we are engaged, but I am in no rush for getting married. I love him, but there are days when I wish I could have a man who could take care of himself or not make me feel like I am raising another child.
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