A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd love your opinions on whether white lies in a relationship matter? I've been with my bf for a year, and he's already mentioning that he can see us having a future together, and has asked me to move in with him. I'm happy about that, but hesitant to take that step because he has told a few white lies throughout our relationship, and I guess I'd like to feel I can trust him before I move in with him. My heart says move in now as I'm so happy when I'm with him, but my head says weigh it up for a little longer first, and I'd like your advice on whether you think the lies he's told should stop me moving in with him, please.So, for example, we've been planning a short holiday together next year for a few months. I know money is tight for him, and he'd said he wanted us to go away in March, but I said we could postpone it for as long as needed to allow him to save up his half of the cost. He remains keen to go in March, and told me last week we could book the trip as he'd found an old savings account book. BUT this was a lie, as his sister accidentally mentioned to me that she had helped him sort out a loan from the bank for thousands of pounds, and that he doesn't have an old account, but that the holiday will be paid for by his loan. I know this is his business, and it wouldn't bother me except for the fact that he's asked me to move in. I guess if we move in together, we'll be sharing bills, etc, and would set up a joint account for this, so I'd want him to be honest about money - am I being unreasonable? I haven't mentioned this to him yet.The other white lies have been less white - I found out he's been out with a girl from work (a mutual friend saw them together) whilst I'd been away. He'd lied and said he'd been out with a male friend. He couldn't quite explain why he'd said that when I asked him about it. I explained to him that I have no problem with him seeing his friends, male or female, but that it looks suspicious if he tells a lie about it. Before that, I have also found out from another mutual friend that he has sent sexually explicit text messages to another female friend, and similar Facebook messages to yet another female colleague of his. I asked him about the text messages (happened 7 months into our relationship) and he said that it was just banter, how they'd always related to each other, and that he hadn't thought it might hurt me. Oh, and then a friend of his told me his ex-girlfriend from years ago had been messaging him as she wants to get back together with him. He had been returning her flirty messages, talking about what they used to do sexually in the past when they were together, and planning to meet up - again, he didn't tell me any of this at the time.Last of all, we had an unplanned pregnancy in June. I miscarried 8 weeks later and asked him to let me know who he had told so I would know what to expect from people (I personally chose not to tell anyone). He told me he'd only told his best friend. But then his sister rang me to offer condolenses after he told her (and didn't let me know), and another person came up to me at work and asked me about it after he'd told them (and again, not let me know).I have forgiven and forgotten these things, but it has shaken my trust in him, and I can't tell whether I'm being hyper-sensitive or reasonable in allowing this to affect my decision about moving in with him.I have never done anything to betray his trust in me, and apart from this, everything in our relationship is great:)What do you think?Thank you for reading.x
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 I think you're trying to lessen the severity of his lies, by calling them "white lies". What you describing are LIES, not white lies. White lies are telling someone their new haircut looks great, or telling your friends that the outfits they selected and love so dearly looks fabulous on them, even though it's not the case. You're not being hyper-sensitive and deep down inside you know it. Don't question yourself in order to make your boyfriend's actions seem more acceptable - they're not. Judging from your post, I think you're dealing with someone who is very comfortable lying to your face. If your trust has been shaken,, moving in would be a bad choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): I think white lies are forgivable...especially only a year into dating. The fact that he lied about the source of his vacation money seems understandable on the face of it. He didn't want you to see him take money from his sister.But I don't think him lying about sexting, seeing coworkers while you were gone, or disclosing your personal information are not white lies. These aren't benign or trivial issues for the sake of impressing you. He lies to cover his ass because he knows the truth will upset you. His defense that he didn't know it would hurt frankly is BS. If he was so ignorant of how it would make you feel, why would he hide it in the first place? From your stories it sounds like he has a different relationship with you than he has with other people. It seems like he feels free with to express himself with his coworkers, but with you he edits himself. He wants to impress you, which is great. But if he's habitually lying to try to achieve an impression, then you're not really being intimate, he's merely performing for you. He looks up to you, but you sound like you want to be his girlfriend, not him mother. You're not being hyper-sensitive. I think you should be able to deeply trust someone you live and share your personal space with. I'm not saying you can't build that with him in the future, but I don't think you should move in with him if he habitually hides things from you at this point.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 October 2011):
 There are many kinds of white lies. Social politeness, to make someone feel better. I don't consider what he did white lies. Money is a serious matter. He could become unethical when he is desperate to win you over. You should think about moving in with him because of financial issues. He is not a good liar and can be exposed very quickly. Using you sister is an example. Some white lies such as you look good in that dress is fine, but lying about money is not. He must have told you that's a white lie to soften the blow.Tell him that you have to think about moving in with him. Had he been truthful even if poor, he would have had a better chance with you. One good way to make him a better person is to tell him it feels better to tell the truth because there will be less tension and he wouldn't have to think about how to cover up. Life will feel more peaceful.
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