A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, and thanks in advance for any outside input on my situation. I am in a relatioship with a man I am truly in love with and admire greatly. However, I have some major issues with myself that are basicly destroying us as a couple. We were able to agree sometime ago that I am the only one who can fix me and it's not his job to validate and reassure me all day long. The problem is I cant seem to get my head out of his butt so-to-speak, long enough to make any progress. I just regress into a n envious, clingy, nightmare of a girlfriend because I'm so insecure he'll leave me. I know its well pastdue to start working to better mself. But I sometimes feel as if it isnt possible while I have him to focus on and obsess over, instead of having a life of my own. He also takes care of everything. I know if I left to fix my problems on my own I may lose him, but I also know if tjings stay as the are now, I will most definitely lose him. Tonight he finally agreed that we might need to be apart to give me time to sort my issues out but I really dont want to go. I want to be able to take action now but I keep falling short of any real change. Even though I know I have to fix this on my own, away from him, must we really separate or is that just insecurity telling me to hold on? He says he'll wait as long as it takes. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): Yes I think at this point you do need to be apart because as long as you're in the same house/room his very presence is going to trigger you to do all the smothering things that you do. If until now you know you should change your behavior and yet you still haven't, that means that you need to do something different and separating for awhile is one thing to do.
The separation is as much for HIM as it is for you. at least by being apart for awhile you have no opportunity to practice your bad behaviors on him so you will not be reinforcing your bad behaviors anymore and that's part of breaking the cycle.
but the separation is also for him. If you've been clingy and smothering he absolutely needs a reprieve from you before he gets so strangled that his feelings for you start to wither and die or be replaced by toxic feelings.
If nothing you're doing on your own is working to reduce your anxiety and insecurity and permanently change your behavior, then it's time that you got some professional counseling.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Find yourself a psycholgist to help you with your issues. If need be, your bf can also attend these sessions.
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